


Tsunami events

by Pastel_SpaceAce



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies), Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Alternate Universe - Monsters Weren't Sealed Underground, Anxiety, Body Horror, Dark with a happy ending, Depression, Dissociation, Drinking to Cope, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Good W. D. Gaster, Grillby (Undertale) Backstory, I consider retired jaeger pilots to be veterans on their own right apart from war veterans, I feel weird about using the fluff tag in this fic but there are moments of it I guess?, I mean the experiences are different enough to warrant a distinction, I'm new to this, M/M, Monster Dust (Undertale), Pacific Rim AU, Panic Attacks, Parent W. D. Gaster, Physical Disability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Veteran Gaster, Veteran Grillby (Undertale), W. D. Gaster Being An Asshole, but both cases still very much veterans, changed the rating to mature, dark themes, gets much worse before it gets better, had doubts on the rating so just in case, lol that was the first tag I should have added, military? how do I tag this?, not sure how much will be actually shown but be sure my friends it IS romantic, still not sure how to do the tag pls bear with me, tags may be added as the fic progresses and I figure out wtf I'm doing, these are a lot of tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-22 14:16:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 57,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22750954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastel_SpaceAce/pseuds/Pastel_SpaceAce
Summary: War is raging, but not the one you might be thinking of. Monsters and humans set their differences aside to fight together against the beasts that rised from the deepest of the ocean. Jaegers are being put back together from the dumps in one last desperate attempt to turn the tides before it's too late.One salvaged jaeger is ready to be deployed. Few candidates are deemed good enough to be potential pilots, and even fewer are potentially compatible.To everyone's astonishment, the one with the final say on the matter is this strange newcomer, who's all but predictable. He claims to be a pilot. Only time would tell....(No need to know Pacific Rim lore other than a wikipedia summary to follow the story. Still, the movie is awesome, watch it anyway)
Relationships: W. D. Gaster & Grillby, W. D. Gaster/Grillby
Comments: 19
Kudos: 40





	1. The first wave

**Author's Note:**

> Ho boy. Here we go.
> 
> So. First time ever posting a fic. I just. Wow. 
> 
> Typical case of "the fic I want to read doesn't exist, so I'll write it myself". This is also my very first attempt at a crossover ever, so I just hope it works out :'D
> 
> This whole AU happened one night I was half asleep on a bus and the Pacific Rim theme started blasting on my earbuds while I was thinking of my other grillster fics. And those will be also posted eventually, but the side AU fic that started as vague headcanons and an epic fight scene concocted during a fever dream was the first one to be edited enough to post, for some reason.
> 
> Enjoy I guess?

**Tsunami** _/tsu:'na:mi/_

(from japanese words _tsu,_ 'harbor', and _nami,_ 'wave')

  1. An enormous and destructive wave that is caused by a violent disturbance of the earth under the sea, such as an earthquake, volcanic eruption or landslide. Usually comes as a series of waves instead of a single one. 
  2. _(figuratively)_ A large and generally unstoppable surge. 
  3. _(figuratively)_ An overwhelming situation or emotion.
  4. _(figuratively)_ A kaiju attack.



...

_"You know why they call them 'tsunamis'? It's sudden, it's quick, and it's_ _ **devastating.** Piloting a jaeger is trying to fight a tsunami. You're fighting a natural force, you're running against the clock, and if you're not careful enough, you're left only grasping at water and _ **_hoping_ ** _that the water doesn't drag you down as well. We fight tsunamis, soldier, not people. You lot need to get out of that mindset already."_

-Excerpt of a quote from a jaeger pilot, told to a private who later recapped the events and his experiences at the base in his memoirs

* * *

Grillby was standing stiffly on the side of the training arena, where a lot of people from all sections of the base had gathered expectantly to watch the spar.

It was all a bit of a mystery; no one knew much about this pilot other than he had been one of the very first and most experienced ones, and that _king Asgore_ **_himself_ ** handpicked him without a second thought for this specific jaeger. The only other thing that needed to be sorted out was who the copilot would be; hence the spar.

King Asgore stood close to Grillby, looking about as impatient as the elemental was. The rest of the candidates were also getting nervous, as time went on and the pilot _still_ wouldn't show up. The boss monster sighed and pinched his snout, exasperated; Grillby turned to him with a deep frown insinuated on his flame.

-This is terribly disrespectful. Who did you send out to get him?

-Patience, sergeant, I am sure he will be here shortly.

-Why are you defending him? He was notified about this trial two days ago, his lateness shows a great lack of discipline. 

-Not everyone here was trained in the army, and it has been a long time since he was last in a military base. I am sure there has to be a perfectly logical explanation as to why-

Shouting could be suddenly heard from the back of the crowded room, followed by loud laughter as a bewildered section of the audience moved aside to make way for the source of the noises. 

A very fierce, _very angry_ blue fish monster was making her way to the open space in the middle of the arena, dragging along an incredibly raucous skeleton who kept laughing hysterically the entire time. Asgore groaned under his breath, hiding his entire face in one paw as the pair reached him. The crowd murmured.

The fish lady, dressed in simple military wear, forcefully removed the bony arm that was thrown around her neck, flailing her ear fins in annoyance. The skeleton stumbled gracelessly forward, still laughing and wobbling on his feet.

-Sorry for the wait, transportation wasn't exactly _easy_. Here's your pilot, sir.

Asgore could only sigh again.

-Thank you, Undyne. You are dismissed.

The redheaded fish monster bowed slightly and left, muttering something about 'not a chance in hell I'm missing this shitshow'.

The skeleton kept trying to fix his balance as he giggled and started to speak an awful, almost surreal kind of noise. He then seemed to realize something important, and with another giggle he started signing along, moving his hands sloppily as he swayed on his feet.

-Heyya A-S-G-O-R-E...

-Gaster what on _Earth_ is the matter with you?! You need to pick your copilot today. 

-'s **fine,** _bring it,_ 'm ready to...

He tilted dangerously to one side and hiccuped, barely avoiding to fall over.

Grillby just stood aside as he watched the whole exchange in shock.

-Are you- are you **_drunk?!_ **

The skeleton seemed to notice him for the first time, and one moment after the words registered he frowned, offended.

-Wha- _'course_ not! Whaddaya think I am, some-some kind of...

He stopped signing as his speech dissolved into a low babble of broken sounds, struggling to find the right word he needed. Grillby was literally fuming.

-What the hell do you think this is, some kind of _joke?!_ You're standing in front of the **_king,_** show some respect!

The skeleton only laughed louder, which made the elemental's flames burn higher.

-Whatcha mean? 'm s'rious as ever over 'ere...

Asgore, noticing the mounting tension, quickly interceded and tried to placate the elemental.

-This is quite enough, the trials will have to be arranged for another day. Sergeant, you may go back to-

-Yeah _serg'nt,_ go get that mass've stick outta your ass, 's so far up there 's gonna come out th' other side as a _torch-_

His giggling ramblings were quickly interrupted when Grillby lunged at him, blind with rage.

...

Gaster woke up with a groan in a very bright place he didn't recognize and with a throbbing headache. So far, nothing new.

He shielded his eyes and tried to move slowly, only to find that one of his legs was hanging dangerously over the edge of somewhere tall. He shifted in place, and a shiver went down his spine as a pang of pain paralyzed him.

The skeleton lied stiffly on his back, as his head pounded far too loudly. When the pain started to ebb and he got a bit more accustomed to it, he struggled to prop himself up on his elbows, and then looked down; his eyes focused enough to make out bruises and bandages all throughout his body. Some burns peppered his clothes, reaching all the way through; upon closer inspection, his face was pretty burnt as well.

-yeah, if you think thats bad you should see the other guy.

Gaster yelped and fell down the small surface that served him as a bed, which happened to be a bunk imbedded on the wall of his room. He groaned louder, holding his head.

-quite the show, yesterday. i have to say though, you stood your ground fairly well, given... well, **_everything_.** we were all pretty impressed; i think even that sergeant guy was surprised you could dodge, since, yknow, you could barely hold your bony ass up on your feet. 

- _Fucking_ **_hell_ ** Sans, speak lower...

The short skeleton shrugged.

-just tryina do you a favor. ya better get used to noise quickly, cause paps is coming and hes _furious._ and ya know how loud he usually is already...

Gaster extended his legs to lie completely horizontal on the floor, trying to take in the coldness of the tiles and wishing it was enough to sober him up. His eyes remained tightly closed. 

-Nnghh... Did I really dare an officer to a fight in front of everyone?

-mmmm _nah,_ more like insulted him until he snapped. or, well, maybe he _did_ just want to spar after all. he was a candidate, and you kept saying you were sober enough for the trial. but he seemed rather angry though. the guards had to break you apart.

- **_I fought one of my possible copilots?!_ **

-yeah, left him quite battered actually. people are still laughing all over the base; he took on a random drunk guy and _still_ got his ass handed to him. its hilarious when you think about it.

Gaster felt his sins crawling on his back.

-D-did I-?

-yup, got the blasters out as soon as it started.

The older skeleton shivered, regret and nausea sinking on the pit of his hypothetical stomach.

-in your defense, he did surprise everyone. bastard never even gave a warning, i think you got too startled to think it through? but thats the only good thing youre gonna hear. you fucked up _badly,_ dad.

Gaster stared at the ceiling and said nothing. Sans, still wearing his uniform from the tech department, sighed.

-this is _serious,_ dad. i dont know what happened to you while you were... away. but you gotta pull yourself together if you wanna stay here with us. if you cant fight, youre no use to them; humans control this whole shindig now, dont give them a reason to kick you out. you just got here. dont leave us again.

-Sans-

Loud stomping was heard from the hall, and the door swung wide open, hitting the wall with violence.

- _DAD!_ WHAT THE _HECKITY HECK_ WAS **_THAT?!_ **

The younger skeleton was then confused when he saw the empty bunk. A deep whine came from the floor. 

-told ya.

...

-Sergeant, do you have the _slightest idea_ of just how **_bad_** you made us look with that little public demonstration of yours?!

The elemental lowered his head and closed his eyes with a frown. His entire arm was bandaged underneath the shirt of his uniform, and was hanging from a sling.

He hated that damn sling, and wanted nothing more than to rip it the hell off. It was a visible reminder of that stupid fight, and his anger was only eclipsed by the complete and utter _embarrassment_ he felt. People stared at him when he entered any room and laughed behind his back; he was well aware of everything that was being said in the corridors. And it only made him more angry.

-With all due respect, captain, if you allow me to explain-

- _NO_ I do **_not_** allow you to explain yourself, sergeant. The monster army is struggling enough already to maintain its good image in front of the humans just to _survive_ as an independent force, and this little show didn't particularly impress their higher ups. We are on the brink of being assimilated into the _human_ army, where _nobody_ gives a damn about us and monsters don't get to even **speak up**. We won't get to make any decision about our own people, we will all be degraded and have no authority **_AT ALL_**. This is one of the last bastions of monster freedom and you almost brought it all down for a _kindergarten_ **_FUCKING quarrel!!_**

Grillby flinched violently, as Asgore sighed.

-Calm down, Undyne, the problem was already dealt with. Barely.

-No I _won't_ calm down, Asgore! Not until this matchstick learns his place!! For how much you preached about that guy's lack of discipline, I think you could do _damn well_ with some yourself. Do you even know what the words **_self-control_ ** mean, soldier?!

- _THAT MONSTER IS A TOTAL DISGRACE!_

The elemental finally burst, unable to contain himself.

-Not to mention a complete **disappointment** to everyone on the base! That's _not_ the behavior of a pilot! He insulted the very hand that picked him up from whatever _garbage_ _d_ _ump_ he was in, when he should be kissing the very ground Asgore walks in. I have no idea what kind of pilot he was before, but if he can't even stay sober for a single damn sparring session he's _clearly_ not worth-

-That is **quite enough** , sergeant. 

Both were startled at the boss monster's harsh tone.

-This fight was a pitiful display in and of itself, but more than Gaster's drunkenness, I find it even more pitiful that it was _you_ the one who actually started the dispute. Gaster was inebriated; what excuse do **_you_** have for your behaviour?

Grillby tensed, trembling as he looked down and struggled to control his fire and breathe. Asgore's tone turned softer as he approached him and rested a paw on his shoulder. The elemental only shuddered.

-I heard of what happened to your sister, and you have my most sincere condolences. It was truly a tragedy, but you cannot lash out at everything. You cannot let grief consume you, Grillby. If this is the reason why you are so eager to enter the jaeger program, then I would advise you desist.

Grillby kept staring at the floor and said nothing for a while. When he finally managed to find his voice again, he sounded strained, a mere hiss hidden behind a puff of smoke coming from his mouth.

-May I leave now, sir?

Asgore sighed, removing his hand.

-Yes. You are dismissed, sergeant. 

Without raising his head, the elemental simply bowed and walked out of the room in a hurry.


	2. Testing the waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get interesting.

Gaster breathed in slowly, eyes closed, and felt his body relax. He heard the fire burning angrily in front of him even before he opened his sockets again, and smirked. His magic hands signed.

-Come on, I said I was sorry already.

The elemental's intense glare didn't shift at all. He said nothing, and merely got into a fighting stance. The skeleton shrugged.

-Suit yourself.

Undyne stood between them, just outside the designated circle.

-Alright nerds, rules are simple. No physical weapons, magic only. Best out of three wins. Get ready.

Gaster met Grillby's eye, not letting any intent show and smiling confidently. The elemental kept his expression entirely neutral, save for the glares he sent his way; other than that, his body was relaxed and didn't reveal anything either. Everyone in the audience held their breath.

-GO!

A swirling dance of fire and bullet attacks started as soon as the word came out of her mouth, flying all over in a flurry too fast to make out. Grillby moved quickly, focused on extending his fire as wide as possible to maximize its reach, but the skeleton was slippery and somehow managed to escape every burst of flames.

Mid-fight, the elemental realized that Gaster was barely using any magic at all. He only dodged and circled around him over and over, making Grillby repeat his movements as he smiled smugly all the while. It made him burn hotter in poorly contained anger, which in turn made his movements harsher and less premeditated, faster but easier to read. He lost sight of the skeleton for a second, and as he turned around to shift his attack, Gaster surged from the wall of fire and kicked him hard in the shins.

With a pained whine, Grillby fell to the floor, and before he could get back up, he found himself staring at one of Gaster's blue bone attacks, that was pinning him down. Undyne blew a whistle.

-1-0 to the skeleton prick.

-Undyne, stay professional please.

-Yeah whatever Asg- _your Highness._ Round two!

Gaster offered his hand, helping Grillby stand up and then walking to his end of the ring. He was smiling again, though the arrogant smirk was gone and replaced with an interested expression on his face. His magic hands signed again as he rolled his shoulders and got back into a fighting stance. 

-Not bad at all, candle. If only you weren't so easy to provoke.

-Do _not_ call me candle.

-My point exactly.

A startled flicker went through the flames in his face, completely unnoticed by everyone around them. Gaster, however, did notice. The skeleton just kept smiling. 

Grillby barely had time to process the moment before Undyne shouted and the second round began.

This time Gaster jumped forward, taking the initiative and throwing a whole bunch of bone attacks in intricate patterns. Surprised off guard, Grillby could only defend, breaking the bones with his flames and quickly falling into rhythm once he calmed down enough from the scare. 

People were snickering in the audience, seeing as the elemental was losing _once again_ to the same cocky skeleton who had defeated him with no magic at all on the first go and was quickly overpowering him on the second one. His annoyance grew, and before he knew it he was jumping right into the wall of bones that the skeleton had been leading him towards.

Laughter broke out throughout the place, but Gaster wasn't laughing at him when he retreated to catch his breath. His eyes were lit with a vibrant purple glow, piercing right through him with his stare and seizing him up. His smile wasn't one of mockery; it was giddy, exhilarated. He huffed and breathed heavily as he recovered his calm, but his jittery fingers betrayed his excitement. He was enjoying the spar, and clearly didn't care about the audience behind him at all.

Grillby got up slowly; Gaster waited for him to get ready and back in position. 

The fight _was_ exciting, and that realization had the elemental smirking as he locked eyes with Gaster before jumping forward. His pride be damned; the skeleton was the best opponent he'd had in _years,_ and he was enjoying himself too much to care.

Gaster kept attacking in similar configurations, relying solely on speed and tactics, but Grillby also knew how to play that game. His strategy was adjusted and refined the longer he dodged the bone attacks, until he managed to find a couple of weak spots in the overall pattern. With a few precise fire bullets, he destroyed the skeleton's defense, easily breaking the weaker bones with his flames. He shifted the balance of the battle in a single move, at the cost of taking some damage himself. 

As Gaster was startled into a defensive stance to block the attacks, he lost sight of Grillby's quick approach. In the struggle to dodge all the bullets, he momentarily lost control of the complicated magic he was casting, and that gave his opponent enough of an opening to run forward and throw him to the ground with a single strike. 

Everyone went quiet. 

Grillby landed next to him, kneeling as he held him down with one flaming fist on the skeleton's chest. He smirked, panting.

-Point.

Gaster started laughing out loud, coughing as he tried to catch his breath. 

As Grillby's fire calmed and winded down, he stood up and helped the skeleton back up to his feet. He found he was also laughing quietly in between huffs.

Undyne, surprised, shook her head a few times to regain her presence of mind.

-U-uh- yeah, point! 1-1, get ready!

They slowly walked to their respective sides in the ring.

-You know...

Gaster perked up, watching Grillby reach the edge of the arena and stop with his back still turned on him.

The elemental stared the floor thoughtfully, before he turned around with a smirk.

-There's no point to this spar if you hold back. I want to see them again. Those skull attacks, the ones you used last time... I've never seen anything like that in my _life_. Come at me with your full arsenal this time, I need to know that you gave it your all when I beat you.

The skeleton's eyes were sparkling in anticipation. His grin was almost splitting his face in half.

-I'd love to see you _try_ , candle.

- **GO!**

The flames were sudden, sparking into life out of thin air in a fraction of a second. They encompassed the entire arena, consuming everything they touched, and made even the king shield his eyes. They were gone as soon as they appeared; the massive display of magic was exhausting to maintain and didn't need long to perform its task. 

As the remnants of the fire dissipated and died out, a single, massive skull stood unperturbed, acting as a shield for its caster. The floor all around the animalistic head was charred and still steaming. 

As it floated upwards to reveal the skeleton underneath it, its white pupils scanned the ground and locked in on Grillby. Its imposing presence made the elemental's legs tremble.

With a purple gleam shining wildly in his eye sockets, his face deep in concentration, Gaster raised his hand and sent the skull forward. The blaster opened its mouth, revealing a ball of white magic compressing into an attack and quickly charging. Grillby barely had enough time to roll out of the way and put up some sort of barrier between them. 

The beam destroyed another layer of the floor and went through Grillby's defense like it was nothing, missing his body by a fraction of an inch. Another blast was already charging in the skull's mouth, as two more appeared and circled the elemental. In the split second before they all fired simultaneously, Grillby surrounded himself with his magic and flames once again.

A blinding white light reached every corner of the room, and when it died out, the spot where the elemental had been standing a moment earlier was barren and completely obliterated. The fire he had conjured as a distraction was consumed entirely, put out by the raw magic of the blasts. When the judges and audience recovered their sight, what they saw was just as unbelievable.

Gaster was on the floor, half lying down on his back with an elbow as his only support and holding a bone attack up to Grillby's chest. The elemental was grabbing the skeleton's sweater with one hand, holding a fire bullet to his neck with the other; his clothes were fuming and burnt in several places, and his shoes were melted into a disgusting gunk that stuck to the square meter of floor where he was barely holding himself upright on his knees. Their breaths were shallow and labored, and both their expressions were stunned and frozen in shock.

They remained in the same position for a few moments as the last seconds finally started to register, and they slowly let go of each other, dispelling their attacks. The room, once again, was dead silent.

Gaster's expression went from perplexity to confusion to amazement, and slowly morphed into a huge, goofy smile as he blinked a couple of times, incredulous. Two wobbly purple hands started signing.

- _That's it._ **You** are my copilot.


	3. Yellow beach flag: medium/moderate hazard. Proceed with caution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where interesting introductions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been wanting to reach this chapter even as I first started to consider posting this fic, but I'm so incredibly excited about the next few ones you have no idea. The first drift is just around the corner...  
> Also, the next chapter may take a few days to upload because I still have to edit a part of it that I'm not entirely happy with. It still shouldn't take long. I may make a double update if it gets too delayed :'D

He still couldn't believe it. He had been training hard for _years_ in the possible event that something like this would happen, but it _actually_ did. That skeleton hadn't wanted to keep the tests going any longer after their fight, and would give no other candidates a chance to spar. He had decided against all odds that it was **_Grillby_ ** who would be his copilot, against popular opinion and the resistance of many, **very** unhappy superiors. It was almost as if his decision was made on a whim, and while that was exactly the kind of thing that pissed the elemental off the most, in this case he couldn't say he was complaining. Somehow, after beating the living shit out of each other as their first greeting, that so called Gaster didn't seem to mind all that much, since he had still deemed Grillby a worthy copilot. 

Without the pressure of the trials or having to impress people to get the job, the elemental actually felt a weird kind of admiration when he looked back; it wasn't every day that you got served by a monster who could kick your ass even while drunk. His pride stung a bit, but he would be a fool not to admit it. Had the skeleton wanted it, he could have probably dusted him right then and there with how much that skull attack surprised him the first time.

He was walking absentmindedly towards his room, lost in his own thoughts when he looked up and there was suddenly a small skeleton standing on his way, less than two meters away. The elemental screamed and jumped backwards, flaring a quick flash of blues and greens before he could recover and get his fire back to normal. The skeleton, unphased, only tilted his head and smiled lazily. 

-huh. weird.

Grillby caught his breath and walked a few wobbly steps forward, regaining his balance.

-A-ah, s-sorry, you scared me. I didn't... see you... there...

The skeleton (short and round around the edges, but still unnervingly familiar-looking) only smiled wider. The look in his eyes unsettled him, though Grillby couldn't pinpoint the reason _why._

-yeah, sorry bout that, tends to happen.

His eye sockets looked him up and down, scrutinizing every little detail, and the elemental couldn't help but feel he was being thoroughly judged.

-U-uhh... was there anything you needed...?

-so youre dads new copilot, huh.

 _Oh._ Well now it made sense.

-Um, y-yeah, I... didn't know he had-

-let me break this down to you buddy.

The skeleton took a step forward, and Grillby retreated. It made no sense, why should he be scared of...?

-so heres the thing, pal: _i dont like you._ i know what happened during the first trials; i saw the whole thing.

A cold shiver went down Grillby's back; the shame and regret returned, oppressing his soul in an iron grip.

-I-I'm sorry, look, I know it was fucked up and I shouldn't have-

-oh yeah it was fucked up alright. but dad seems to think youll still make a decent copilot, for whatever reason that escapes me. must be the same reason why both he and my bro can be so quick to forgive and forget. thing is, im **_not._** and youre gonna be plugged into the jaeger with him tomorrow, ya catch my _drift?_

Grillby only gulped.

-look, truth is, i dont really give a damn about you. i dont even know you enough to properly hate you. what i _do_ give a damn about is my dad, and i dont trust you _at all_ to handle being in his mind with all the shit youre gonna find yourself knowing about him. trust me, _everyone_ knows your opinion of him already; no need to keep spreading more nasty comments, **_capische?_ **

More and more guilt kept curling in Grillby's stomach, as he could do nothing but listen and nod. Well yes, he might have been a bit cruel about it, but he hadn't been _actually_ nasty, right? 

... Right?

He only looked down, nodding once again. The skeleton studied him, a dubious look on his face as he scanned his reaction. His flames were a lot smaller, burning weaker in soft yellow hues. Grillby took a deep breath, before he raised his head to look him in the eye.

-I understand your concern, and I apologize for everything I did, intentionally or not, that hurt your father or your family. I know I can't exactly expect you to believe me, but I would never use anything I learned in the drift against him. I may have a short temper, but I wouldn't fall that low.

The skeleton kept staring at him with that strange look in his sockets. Finally, he huffed, seemingly satisfied. 

-well, ya better, cause i really wanna believe ya. were eventually gonna have to get along anyways, so. names sans.

The elemental's shoulders relaxed a little.

-Grillby.

...

He'd been thinking a lot about that strange encounter by the time he left his room for dinner later that day. That skeleton sure was intimidating for how friendly he seemed at first glance. 

Sans. So Gaster had children. It was a completely normal thing, but Grillby was still shocked by the fact. He tried to convince himself that his very visceral reaction was perfectly logical, because from what little he had seen that man did _not_ strike him as the father type **at all.** He frowned at the places his mind was taking him; what kind of upbringing did those poor boys have, with a parent like _that?_

But he also felt a little bad, thinking that way. He wasn't being fair, and deep down he knew it; he knew nothing about that family, and as easy as it was to sneer, something about that scenario just didn't feel right. Sans had been awfully protective of his dad... despite the fact that he was a drunk who left his children to their own devices for years. The rumors he heard going round weren't exactly kind on that aspect.

He looked down at his food in contemplation, slowly stirring his portion of mashed potatoes. He wasn't hungry anymore, but he knew he probably ought to eat anyway. His main reason for getting out of his room had been to have dinner with Gaster to properly make amends, and maybe get to know him a little better before the final compatibility test in the morning, but the skeleton was nowhere to be seen. There went his plans for the night.

His eyes shot up when a loud clanking noise startled him out of his thoughts, and saw a tall skeleton towering over him as he settled his food tray on the table in front of him. Nerves quickly took over as his anxiety kicked in; Gaster must have seen him and he was surely angry after hearing whatever Sans had to say about him after that conversation, and he had caught him off guard and-

-OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT! DID I STARTLE YOU?

Grillby's fire immediately lowered as he stared up.

-... what.

The skeleton _(much_ more awkward in his movements than Sans) laughed, seemingly getting nervous.

-IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?

The elemental blinked a few times, and the tall skeleton seemed to take that as an invitation. He sat down, struggling to get his long legs to fit under the table, and making loud noises all the while. Grillby stared at him with a strange kind of fascination as the skeleton almost dropped his tray twice and somehow managed to get his legs tangled in the chair, before he finally settled and gave him an apologetic look.

-I KNOW WE HAVE NEVER MET EACH OTHER BEFORE, BUT I WANTED TO TALK FOR A BIT IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU. MY NAME IS PAPYRUS! CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING A JAEGER PILOT! I ALSO WANTED TO GO TO THE TRIALS TO SEE IF DAD AND I WERE DRIFT COMPATIBLE, BUT HE WOULDN'T HEAR A WORD OF IT. I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO KEEP TRAINING!

Grillby wasn't surprised at all to hear he was also Gaster's child. Aside from a few different features and the scars on the older skeleton's face, Papyrus was the spitting image of his father. The elemental was, however, surprised to hear that he also wanted to be a pilot.

-My name's Grillby. Nice to meet you, Papyrus.

The skeleton beamed. Grillby could already tell he was a inexhaustible source of constant energy.

-GREETINGS, GRILLBY! I HAVE TO SAY I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU OTHER THAN YOU WERE A SERGEANT MADE OF FIRE. WHICH IS PRETTY COOL! UNDYNE SAID YOU'RE IN HER DIVISION? SHE'S ALSO MY TEACHER FOR JAEGER PILOTING!

Grillby couldn't help a fond smile. Papyrus seemed like a really enthusiastic and earnest guy.

-Well, I'm not in her division per se. The Royal Guard is a subdivision of the monster army, but I'm not part of it, and she _does_ outrank me. She directed some of my early pilot training too.

The skeleton's eyes sparkled. But as much as the conversation was rather endearing, Grillby believed to know the reason for Papyrus' interest in him.

-Undyne is a great teacher, I'm sure you'll go far with her guidance. But I don't think this was the reason why you wanted to talk to me. I don't mean to be rude, but I get the feeling that jaeger piloting isn't exactly what you want to discuss.

Papyrus' face fell, and he gulped as his eyes started to move around. He coughed a bit nervously while he fidgeted with his fork. Grillby gave him a strained smile, but nonetheless made the conscious effort to be patient. 

-... WELL, YOU WOULD BE CORRECT. I ACTUALLY WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY DAD. I AM... RATHER WORRIED.

-I understand. Your brother and I already talked, and I assured him that-

- _WAIT,_ YOU MET MY BROTHER?!

To Grillby's confused nod, the skeleton sighed dramatically and held his face in one hand, shaking his head.

-WHAT DID THAT LAZYBONES TELL YOU? DID HE THREATEN YOU?

The elemental jumped, confused by the sudden turn of the conversation. 

-... uhhh... n- _no?_ I don't... think so...?

Papyrus sighed again.

-I WAS HOPING I COULD GET TO YOU FIRST. HE... DOES HAVE A RATHER BAD IMPRESSION OF YOU.

The skeleton frowned, but didn't elaborate. He lowered his voice, looking down at his food.

-HE'S STILL UPSET OVER THE FIRST TRIALS. BUT DAD CHOSE YOU, SO THERE'S NO POINT IN KEEPING GRUDGES. I HOPE THAT WAS HIS ATTITUDE WHEN HE TALKED TO YOU. STILL, I... I-I HAVE TO SAY I'M ALSO RATHER UPSET OVER IT.

Grillby rubbed his neck, turning away and feeling suddenly uncomfortable. That was happening very often to him lately.

-Look, I spoke to your brother, but you also deserve to hear it, I... I lashed out and I really shouldn't have. I'm not proud of what I did, there's no excuse, but I promise I won't-

-WHAT? ... OH. NO, THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

-... I... What?

Papyrus also seemed uncomfortable. His expression was a mixture of anger and disappointment.

-THAT'S... WELL YES, THAT ALSO UPSET ME A LOT, I DON'T THINK THAT IT WAS A REASONABLE REACTION. BUT IT'S CLEARLY IN THE PAST NOW. DAD STILL WANTS YOU TO BE HIS COPILOT. I AM MORE CONCERNED ABOUT _HIM_ THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

Grillby struggled to get some words out but he couldn't find any. Whatever the hell was going on right then surprised him so much that he was rendered speechless. 

-DAD... HE'S BEEN ACTING... _DIFFERENT,_ SINCE HE CAME BACK. WELL... THE WAY HE SHOWED UP AT THE FIRST TRIALS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF...

Papyrus stared at his lap, sadness clear in his face. The elemental felt bad for him.

-I'm really sorry...

He shook his head.

-DON'T BE, THAT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. WHAT I WANTED TO ASK OF YOU IS THAT YOU LOOK OUT FOR HIM, IF ONLY AS A TEAM MEMBER. YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE PERSON, GRILLBY. I'M GLAD YOU'RE THE ONE PILOTING WITH HIM.

The elemental snorted a laugh, burning a few streaks of pinks and blues as he smiled sheepishly.

-I'm not sure about that, but thanks anyway...

-NONSENSE! YOU TWO WILL MAKE A GOOD TEAM, I CAN TELL! NYEHEHEH!

Grillby sighed, grateful. At least there was _someone_ who didn't hate him for that stupid fight. 

Papyrus glanced at him with a strange smile. 

-OH, AND GRILLBY...

He blinked a few times, focusing on the conversation again. 

-I KNOW THE RUMORS DON'T MAKE HIM OUT TO BE TOO GREAT, BUT DON'T BELIEVE WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT MY DAD. ALMOST EVERYONE KNOWS HIM ONLY FROM THE FEW DAYS HE'S BEEN HERE AND WHAT THEY HEAR. THERE'S A LOT MORE TO HIM THAN WHAT YOU SEE NOW; YOU'LL SURELY FIND OUT TOMORROW. I GUESS WHAT I MEAN IS... DON'T BE TOO QUICK TO JUDGE HIM?

The guilt that had eased down quickly rised back up, but Papyrus had an understanding expression on his face. The elemental only averted his gaze and nodded.

-WELL THEN, I'M OFF! SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE SURE MY LAZYBONES BROTHER DOESN'T SLACK OFF IN HIS SHIFT. GOOD LUCK TOMORROW GRILLBY!

Before he had time to reply, the skeleton was gone, taking his uneaten tray with him in a surprisingly graceful manner. Grillby could only stare into his own plate in bewilderment, and was left alone to his thoughts once again.


	4. Bad winds ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some questions are asked. Some are answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY I finished editing this thing. I reread it so many times you have no idea...

Grillby was so nervous he could barely eat anything at breakfast, and he still felt like he might throw up when he left the dining hall.

The morning of the final trial had come. The actual drift compatibility test.

He'd been on jaeger simulators many, many times. He knew how everything worked, he had trained until every movement was muscle memory by then. But he had never been connected to a real jaeger. And he had _never_ piloted with someone else.

Grillby paced up and down a deserted hallway close to the jaeger program's main operation room, where he would soon be given the instructions to put on his suit and be plugged in to a _real jaeger_ for the very first time. He didn't like the idea at all.

He'd never given much thought to that aspect of being a pilot before, because his priorities when he started training were all focused on passing each stage to reach the goal. It wasn't until a few days prior, when he met Gaster and sparred with him to pass the first compatibility trial, that the possibility of an _actual_ drift started to become very real. And that made him realize just how unprepared he was for it. 

He had no idea what he would find, what he would think, what he would _feel._ He had no understanding of what to expect from a connection like that; sharing a mind was a very disturbing concept once he stopped to really think about it. The few things he knew were from theoretical lessons in his training, about how the neural bridge worked. But despite knowing how it all worked on the papers, he had no idea how it would be really like, and not knowing **terrified** him. Not knowing who this other person was, not knowing how much he would have to expose of himself, how much he would have to share of himself. He would have to reveal the deepest parts of his mind that made him _him_ to a complete stranger.

It didn't even matter to him that it was _Gaster;_ he was way beyond that already. He had spent all night tossing and turning in his bed after realizing, for the very first time, just how _vulnerable_ he would be. Every memory, every thought, every feeling, **everything** would have to be shared with someone else. Nothing could be kept a secret anymore, not from Gaster. There would be nothing at all that he would be able to consider purely his and his alone. And the mere thought unsettled him to no end.

He kept pacing, frenetic, waiting for something, _anything_ to happen, anything to get him out of his panicked stupor. As all those thoughts raced through his mind at high speed, he was startled to a stop when a few steps echoed on the tiles of the hallway.

Rounding the corner, looking drowsy and disheveled, Gaster appeared. His eye sockets were half closed, and from the way he was slumped forward and dragging his feet, it was evident that his body clearly did _not_ want to be moving so early in the morning. He pushed himself off of the wall he was leaning on, taking a few unsteady steps and yawning before he noticed Grillby. He gave him a tired smile, wobbling slightly as he approached him. 

The elemental couldn't help the frown on his flame. If he had a nose, it would've been scrunched up in mild distaste.

The skeleton's magic hands appeared.

-Morning, candle. Nervous?

Grillby felt a wave of... something, he couldn't give it a name, riling up in his chest, but he told himself to at least _attempt_ to be civil. He still couldn't keep some distaste out of his voice though.

-Morning. Rough night?

Gaster noticed his disapproving stare and only laughed, flinching as he did so. He held his head with a groan; the massive reddish bags under his eyes made a stark contrast with his hand and the greyish color of his face.

-What can I say? Drifting for the first time is a big deal, I obviously needed to take some of the edge off. 

-Where do you even get the booze from? I know there are all kinds of smugglers in this base, but I'm sure they must've all been ordered not to give any alcohol to _you._

-There's a whole wonderful city outside the four walls of this pretty building, candle, and it's _filled_ with smugglers. But hey, at least I'm not drunk now, am I?

Grillby only sighed. He knew he had no actual reason to be angry, but his nerves weren't helping his usually snappy temper. And somehow the skeleton managed to get under his skin _every time._

-I should have guessed. I suppose you're right... to some extent. Will the first thing I see be memories of today's hangover? Because I'm not particularly up for that.

It came out rude and a bit harsher than he intended, but he was relieved to hear the skeleton laugh at his attempted joke. His anxiety wouldn't ease up, and he didn't want to make things with Gaster any worse.

-I would hope not, it ain't a pretty sight. There's no way of knowing what you will see, it all depends on your state of mind and what the drift triggers within you.

-So... you're not nervous about...?

Another small laugh.

- _Of course_ I am! Being in another person's mind is **terrifying** the first time. You get to see and feel all these things that seem so alien and messy. You have trouble at times, making out where one's thoughts end and the other's start. It's very confusing, but... oddly calming, in a way.

Grillby laughed nervously under his breath, even more scared than before. 

-Wh-what? That doesn't sound calming at all...

-I told you, it's weird. But once you're in the drift, it's like... like you let go, you know? You aren't just a part of it; you _become_ it. And you stop trying to analyze it logically because once you throw yourself in it, it just _feels_ right. Did that make any sense?

To the elemental's worried flickers and silence, he only shrugged.

-Eh, you'll know soon enough. Meanwhile, we could use this time to get to know each other a little, yes?

Grillby just blinked a few times, confused.

-Err... sure? I meant to do that yesterday, but now... do we even have enough time for that? Isn't the drift going to do that in a little while anyway?

-Well, I mean _yes,_ but wouldn't you rather know who your copilot is a **bit** better before you drift with a complete stranger?

In the end the elemental just shrugged and nodded.

-Sure, why not. So, how do we do this? I ask a question then you ask a question and so on, or...?

-Given that it's your first time and you seem to be the most nervous, you ask the questions. You must have many.

He dropped to the floor and threw his head back with a sigh, closing his eyes and resting his skull against the cold tile wall. 

-I met your kids yesterday, you know...

Gaster opened his eyes again and turned to him, a soft smile on his face. Everything about him radiated fondness all of a sudden.

-Really now? A funny pair, wouldn't you say?

The elemental joined him, sitting next to him.

-Funny indeed. I didn't even know you had children. 

-There's lots of things people don't know about me. Most of the staff changed since my time here. I think the majority of them didn't even know I was already a pilot until the trials were announced. Sure didn't stop them from talking away anyway.

He studied him closely with a curious smirk.

-You must've heard all kinds of things about me, huh? I won't be mad if you ask, it's probably better that we do this now and not while we're plugged into that pile of junk over there.

Grillby looked away, coughing and fidgeting with some guilt.

-I mean, of course I _heard_ the rumors...

-Well, in case you were wondering, I in fact did _not_ raise my boys as a drunken father.

-That's... well, I mean people say that a lot...

- _Heh._ Of course they do.

The skeleton laughed bitterly.

-I guess it makes sense that people get that impression. I don't exactly look like a sensible parent, do I?

His laughter went quiet, and his eyes turned up to the ceiling with a somewhat vacant expression.

-I stay away from them when I drink. At least I try to. They're not children anymore, but I **really** don't want them to see me drunk. I don't want to say or do something I could regret. I would rather kill myself than hurt them.

One very short moment passed, with those words left to linger in the air. 

Gaster looked down, and just like that, the moment was gone. He turned to face the elemental again with a nonchalant grin.

-So? Questions?

Grillby was stunned speechless for a while, stuck in trying to process the immediate and radical change he'd just witnessed. While he got his bearings, he mulled some thoughts over, slowly turning ideas around in his head, and once he found his words again he settled for a simple question to begin with.

-Why did you become a pilot in the first place?

The skeleton barked out a loud laugh.

-Easy. Good food and housing.

Grillby turned around sharply in pure disbelief. His fire flared in indignation.

- _What?_ That's **it?** Not out of wanting to serve the king, protect people, just... just **_better food?_ **

Gaster shrugged.

-Eh, don't really care. _Hell,_ I even lied in the application forms to get the chance in the first place. I needed a job, didn't sound like a bad idea at the time.

The elemental was reeling in disappointment and outrage.

-You... you lied in an **OFFICIAL FORM,** _just to get better_ ** _food?!?_** Then why the hell did you even leave in the first place?! You show up after all this time, what, ten years? And you decided you wanted the job _back?_ ** _Just like that?!_**

-You're making an awful lot of assumptions there, candle.

When Gaster turned to look at him, no trace of the previous smile remained in his expression. His eyes were cold and harsh when they met Grillby's.

-I'm not expecting you to understand this, but to us civilians out there, the first kaiju attacks meant our **ruin.** It's almost like that sort of thing would _kinda_ mess with one's quality of life, you know? I bet my leg you never had to worry about bringing food to the table, right? 

The elemental sputtered, sparks flying, but found himself unable to find an adequate answer. Gaster scoffed a laugh.

-Yeah, thought so. Rations might've been scarce, sure, but I bet you _always_ had some, uh?

Grillby didn't answer.

The skeleton scowled, leaning back once more with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

-When the damn **_kaijus_ ** appeared and monster troops left the targeted cities, we could only _wish_ it was just the humans attacking us. Whatever city they went after was razed to the ground and then forgotten about. People who were lucky enough left, while the rest of us was left to rot in the dirt and fight over whatever remains of food and shelter we could find, just to _survive._ We had nothing.

Gaster scoffed derisively.

-Yes, I lied on the forms. **_Big deal._ ** Early pilots were required not to have family attachments. They would've _never_ let me in for the trials if I acknowledged that I had two little kids to take care of. I did whatever they told me to do, let them do whatever experimental shit they needed to do to develop the neural bridge technology, just so that they would let my children into the base as well.

Silence. 

-... Why... wh-why would you go through all that? It was the most taxing and dangerous job back when the project first started. S-surely there had to be another option...? 

-We didn't _have_ all that many options back then, candle, things were _pretty_ _goddamn_ ** _desperate._**

-But... but they hadn't even figured out how to fight the kaijus yet!

Grillby was only then starting to realize just how stupid his original statement was, that the skeleton would go through all that on a whim just for the sake of it.

-The jaeger program never lacked resources, and that's the only thing I ever cared about when I joined in. And if I worked my best for them and succeeded as a test subject to withstand the mental toll of piloting a jaeger, Asgore promised to give my boys food and shelter until they came of age. I was feeding them scraps until then, I just couldn't let them grow up like that. I had no choice. Even when the whole base is gossiping about how I 'abandoned my children'. _Hah._ As if that was even an option.

After the long silence that followed, the elemental cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably.

-L-look, I... I admit I still don't know much about anything like this, and I _know_ that I don't know you, and this is all new to me and you just unnerve me too _damn_ much sometimes but... look I'm sorry I fought you on the first trials. It was a low blow, and I got what I deserved for it.

He looked up at him, huffing a quiet laugh.

-You have a mean punch when you're drunk, you know that?

The skeleton looked at him from the corner of his eye, his expression shifting into a tired smile again.

-I've been told, yes. I should also apologize. I can't remember what exactly happened, but I've heard it was pretty bad. Honestly, I don't blame you for punching me in the face; I can get a bit insufferable at times.

-Yeah, you got that right.

They exchanged a small laugh, as some of the tension started to dissipate.

-Anyway, do you want to head over there? It's still a bit early and the place is surely empty, but I know one of the scientists in the team and she may be around.

-You sure you're not nervous? You seem... oddly eager about this.

Gaster gave him a strange look that didn't go unnoticed, before he turned his head away and scoffed a short laugh under his breath.

-You've got no idea what you're talking about...

Silence. 

He groaned under his breath.

-I just want to get this _over_ with. Also, the hallway just now stopped spinning for me. It's as good a time as any to get it done.

-... I'm really starting to question whether this job is worth the secondhand hangovers or not.

Gaster only laughed louder and got up with some struggle. He swayed on his feet for a few seconds until he found some sort of balance, and started walking with one hand pressed on the wall. Grillby sighed and followed.

There were millions of questions he still wanted to ask the skeleton before they drifted, and he already regretted wasting so much time bickering about the pilot story, although he got lots of answers from that. He briefly wondered if Gaster would find it rude if he asked about the scars on his face. Monsters that fought in the human war usually had to endure many tactless questions, and he definitely didn't want to become one of those obnoxious people who asked them, so in the end he decided against it. 

As they walked, he was distracted by the circles that seemed to be carved into both of his hands; scratch that, they seemed to be carved _out_ of his hands. He became enthralled with morbid fascination by the way his bones moved around the missing parts. _How the hell did he get wounds like that in the first place?!_ They looked... painful. And the scars were eerily symmetrical. 

He couldn't wonder much more about it, since he was abruptly pulled out of his thoughts when he realized that the corridor had come to an end. Gaster tried the handle of the door to the headquarters of the Jaeger Program Division, and let out a surprised hum when he found it unlocked.

-Well, it seems I was wrong.

The room was overflowing with people wearing labcoats and tweaking all kinds of machinery and controls. The whole back wall was a glass window, showing their jaeger in all its glory.

Everyone turned around to look at them the moment the door opened. Grillby's anxiety was back in full force, spiking tenfold the more he was stared at.

-Greetings, Gaster, sergeant Grillby. Well, since you are both here early, let us begin the neural bridge compatibility test, shall we?


	5. Drifting in uncharted waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The drift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did promise a double update if I took a few days too long, and I'm a writer of my word ;D
> 
> Edit: This chapter is kind of disturbing compared to earlier ones. Adding this now because for some reason I didn't realize to do it earlier.

His head spun as he walked unsteadily through the broken street pavement. He only knew that he felt an intense nausea in his gut, and that he was terrified to no end.

He tried to keep his legs from wobbling too much as he approached his destination and was met with two large, imposing monsters who looked him up and down. In most circumstances, he would have probably just turned tail and bolted, but he knew for once that these particular people weren't going to harm him. The actual terrifying place lied just beyond them, and the fleeting pity that flashed through the rough monsters' eyes showed that they knew all too well what he had come for. He knew it full well too, though that didn't make him feel any less restless.

-Yer here for the choppers, aye?

He nodded slightly, a shiver going down his back. He had to remind himself to breathe; this was necessary, he had no other choice. Nobody was crazy enough to do this unless they were desperate, and the humans running the place took full advantage of that.

The monster on the left (a tall, muscular crocodile type with a missing eye and his fair share of scars on his bare chest) only sighed and nodded.

-A'ight, pal, here's a few things you oughtta know before you go in there. First off, those humans are scummy when it comes to money. They will always try to cheat ya into accepting less than yer due, and most likely take advantage to pay less than you agreed to if ya don't pay attention, as hard as it will be. Second, those bastards don't give a shite about ya; they only care about ya so long as you provide their product to them, but after that, there ain't gonna be nobody checking what happens to ya once the deal is done. If ya dust in their tent, that's profit for them. And that's where we come in.

The second monster (a large dragon type, missing great part of one wing and many teeth, it seemed) stepped forward.

-Look, we hate to do this for money, but we oughtta make a living too. Deal's easy: if ya give us twenty five percent of whatever ya get out of the bargain, we'll go in with ya and make sure ya make it outta there, with every cent yer due. We'll make sure the bastards don't scam ya in the process, and do healing to some extent as is necessary to keep ya goin'. Deal?

He felt himself nod without thinking. It was as if he was in a trance, going through the motions like he was repeating a rehearsed set of actions. He didn't hesitate though; it wasn't as if he had much of a choice anyway. 

The large monsters looked at each other and nodded, walking behind him as he closed the distance with the large, circus-like tent and ventured inside.

The human behind the counter (a plank of wood lying on top of two concrete blocks) was busy cleaning a rusty tool of sorts. 

'Cleaning', though, was actually an overly kind term, one nicer word that he repeated to himself just so that 'noisily scraping bloody _dust'_ wasn't the only thing on his mind as he refocused on the present situation.

The human looked up and smiled widely _(far_ too wide, the same way a hyena would look at a dying prey before digging in), putting the tool down while cleaning their hands on their clothes. A small puff of dust rised in the air, and he couldn't help the shudder and cold sweat that went down his back. He hoped they wouldn't notice; that nor the trembling of his legs as he forced his chest to expand and tried his very best not to look too vulnerable. 

-My my, a skeleton monster! Haven't seen one of _those_ in a while.

The creepy smile only grew bigger. He gulped, and forced his eyes to stay on the human as he raised his hands to sign. Keeping them steady felt like the hardest task he'd ever had to do in his _life._

-I heard there's a dust market here. How much can I get?

-Depends. What's your offer?

He took a deep breath.

-Last pair of ribs.

- _Pffft,_ are you **_serious?_ ** We don't bother for so little; you'll have to make this a _bit_ more interesting if you want us to reach an agreement. I don't have all day.

He took another, quicker breath.

-Last _two_ pairs of ribs, and all toes.

-How about we skip the nonsense and get onto it, yes? Six pairs of ribs _at least,_ fifty bucks and I'd still be doing you a massive favor.

-I can't give up that many ribs and you _know_ it!

-Then what would you trade them for, skeleton?

He scoffed in frustration, frowning as an anxious desperation slowly started to creep in. His soul beat frantically in his chest, and he was suddenly very aware of the fact that he wouldn't have nearly as much thoracic capacity when he left that horrible place. The human's shark smile only kept growing as they calmly watched the skeleton's breaths become more agitated and shuddering. 

But he wouldn't yield so easily; he had gone all the way there and wouldn't return empty-handed. He glared, and squared his shoulders.

- _Four_ pairs of ribs, plus the piece of sternum attached to them; all four wisdom teeth and second set of molars, kneecaps, all toe bones, part of the feet and the palms of my hands. Good enough of an offer to you?

The human's eyebrows raised significantly. 

-Your hands? When you speak _sign?_ You sure about that, pal?

-Not my _hands,_ the _palms_ of my hands. My metacarpals. There's a big part you can take from the middle without the whole thing dusting, as well as in the metatarsals. I expect I can at least have a say in where you will cut?

They gave one quick look to both monsters standing menacingly behind him; they crossed their arms and glared back at them with clear intent in their magic. The human laughed, raising their hands in the air apologetically.

-Alright, alright, ain't my business anyway. I like the offer, how much for it?

-Two hundred and fifty.

-You're obviously joking.

-Fifty bucks for twelve ribs was a joke. There's a whole lot more on the table, I won't settle for less than three digits.

-Alright, three digits it is then. A hundred bucks, nice and round number.

-I thought we had left the joking behind.

-A funny one, aren't we? How about this, I give you a hundred and twenty and we have a deal.

-Just because I have no brain doesn't mean I'm stupid. A hundred seventy five. 

The human barked a laugh.

-You know what, I like you, pal. But you're asking too much. I can't stretch that far, I got a business to run, you know?

He felt himself huff through his nose, getting more anxious and angry.

-A hundred and sixty.

The human clicked their tongue, shaking their head.

-A hundred and forty.

-A hundred forty five and it's a deal.

They smiled slyly, leaning forward.

-Hundred and forty three, final offer. Take it or leave it.

 _Of course_ the human would have the final word on the matter. Bowing his head in defeat and sighing, the skeleton only nodded.

He had a strange feeling of disconnection, some sort of dissociation between himself and what was going on that made him severely question his mental state in that moment. Something just felt incredibly **_wrong;_ ** perhaps he _was_ going crazy. He could clearly see himself bargaining with that dealer of the black market, trying to get the most out of body parts that didn't feel _his_ at all, but still feeling like he was watching events unfold from a completely different plane of reality altogether.

His stomach churned as his body moved on its own towards the back of the tent where the human was leading him, where an operating table of sorts was located. The bodyguard monsters followed closely behind, and even as his bones moved, at the same time they didn't feel like they were part of his body at all. He heard himself discuss heatedly about how to perform the cuts on his hands and feet, felt the shaking of his fingers as he marked the lines he would have to blindly trust the human butcher to follow on bones that _weren't his own._ He felt himself cringe violently as he saw the old and rusty 'equipment' that the human was getting ready to use on him, pincers and blades that were almost completely blunt from use. He felt every panicked breath as he saw the blade moving down, heard every agonizing scream with an unsettling sense of unreality where his head spun and a spiraling feeling of horror and nausea took over and made him sick until he couldn't breathe-

Grillby opened his eyes with a violent start, and the scenery was changed entirely.

.

.

.

-They've got all kinds of crazy superstitions, those humans. All those kaiju parts, gross stuff that makes my stomach turn. _Kaiju_ powders. As if that wasn't weird enough. Whatever bright bastard came up with all that bunch of crap 'bout _monster_ dust was a total nutter. 'Magical healing properties'... _pfft._ I'd love to know what kind of new crazy shit they're gonna want to try next. They'd even eat their own kind's meat, if a good enough seller told them it had 'magical healing properties'. Bastards forgot all about magic decades ago and expect _us_ to solve that, even if it means giving them our own dust for nothin'. 

Grillby walked slowly around the group of people within the memory, listening to the crocodile monster with horror as his eyes remained fixed on the skeleton that was lying on the floor. His chest rose and fell weakly, shirt covered in blood and hands poorly bandaged with some basic healing items, while the dragon carefully replaced the damp cloth over the skeleton's forehead and eyes to lower his fever. His legs were stiff, pants bloody as well from the knees down. The sides of his face were swollen, and blood dripped from his mouth; his feet were tightly clad in pieces of cloth that showed the missing parts clearly. 

The crocodile was stirring a small pot over a fire, cooking a steaming soup in it. As he poured a portion on a bowl, the dragon helped Gaster sit up very, very slowly. The skeleton gasped and choked on his blood as he clutched his chest, coughing and shaking badly as both the other monsters stopped him from falling over. They caught him and carefully propped him up against the dragon's side.

-Easy, pal, don't push it. Here, drink this. You'll feel better.

Panting weakly, he obeyed, stopping every once in a while when the pain made him wince too much. By the time he was finished, his HP had significantly improved, no longer on the dangerous side, but his stats were unstable and kept swaying a lot.

-A'ight, the fever should start to go down soon. Here's the money, minus our fee. Ya think ya can get home on yer own? 

When the skeleton didn't answer, still breathing heavily and trembling, the dragon turned to his partner with worry.

-I dunno, his knees _and_ feet are both busted. Maybe we should get him there, at least part of the way. That okay, buddy? Where'd you live?

- _Are you kidding?!_ 's late already, human scavengers will start to come out soon. He can stay here if yer so worried. 

-... M-my boys...

They were both startled by the sudden noise of his font when Gaster spoke up, before he started coughing some more blood and signing shakily with his bandaged hands. Being in the drift, Grillby didn't need a translation, and the sound of his voice broke his heart.

-... m-my b-boys... I c-can't... I-I've left them alone for t-too long already...

The crocodile monster covered his eyes and groaned in exasperation.

- _Goddamnit_ **fine!** _We'll take the damn skeleton home._ **_You_** , lizard, bring me those sticks, will ya? We need to improvise crutches or somethin'. I'm assumin' your brats have no food at home?

Gaster looked up gratefully, smiling despite the feverish glaze on his eyes. He panted a bit, trying to get enough strenght back to keep signing.

-N-no, a-anything will do...

-There's the illegal market over there, and it has stuff other than dust _thank_ **_god._** My buddy here will go get some grub; _meanwhile,_ yer gonna work on standing up with me.

-... Th-thank you...

The monster scoffed.

-Thank us later, pal, we're not there yet.

As he helped Gaster stand with the aid of a couple of thick branches and a few sticks tied tightly to his legs to keep them straight, the crocodile's eyes softened a smidge. 

-Kids don't deserve to starve. I'm lucky enough my own brats managed to escape this hellhole with my hun, can't imagine what I'd do if I had to raise 'em here.

A small misstep bent the skeleton's knee out of place. Gaster screamed, forcing Grillby to look away with a shudder. When he turned again, the scene was different.

.

.

.

-D- **DAD!!**

- _d-daddy?_ a-are you okay...?

Grillby found himself in a dark tent of sorts, put together in the remains of a room within a partially demolished house, with a few scraps of metal plaques and cardboard that covered the biggest holes and air drafts and hid it out of sight. Two skeleton children (Sans and Papyrus, they couldn't have been over eight _dear god)_ hovered over their battered father, trembling and barely daring to touch him.

-D-DOES IT HURT TOO BAD? W-WE CAN GET SOMETHING FROM THE MEDICINE SELLER!

-y-yeah, we ate already! we even saved a bunch of food for you, th-there should still be enough for-

Grillby watched Gaster slowly rise up to rest on his elbows, removing the wet cloth from his forehead and rubbing his eyes. He looked exhausted, _sickly,_ but still tried to keep the pain out of his features as he spoke, forcing his voice to remain level.

-No, boys, medicine's too expensive. This can heal on its own anyway; we just have to wait longer. We don't know when we're going to find money again, we ought to be careful with it.

Sans looked away, tense and still.

-... but we used like, half of the money on _my_ medicine...

Gaster sat up all the way with some struggle and carefully brought the child closer. 

-That's different, Sans. 

-... it's not fair...

The small skeleton spoke so softly he could barely hear him. Gaster gave him a comforting smile.

-Come on now. I'm not going to die from not getting pain meds.

-B-BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?! TH-THOSE HEALING THINGS KEEP SHEDDING DUST! WH-WH-WHAT I-IF...

Papyrus couldn't hold his tears back anymore, and went forward to hug him, mindful of his wounds. Grillby noticed how the child's hand slipped over the hollow place in Gaster's ribcage and froze, cringing away as he cried harder. His father's free arm moved to embrace him, resting his remaining teeth over the little skull in a soothing gesture.

-I'm not going to die, boys. I'm not going anywhere.

.

.

.

The crash was violent, almost shaking them out of their piloting stations.

-This is looking real bad, doc!

- **_No shit_ ** _it is!!_ Any ideas?!

Both had one arm raised in front of their faces, protecting the main body of the jaeger while trying to fend the beast off. Its teeth crunched through the metal and circuitry like it was made out of cardboard, making it really hard for them to control the arm.

The ocean floor slowly slipped beneath them, the giant robot sliding backwards by the massive force of the kaiju as it tried with all its might to reach the jaeger's cabin. Using their free arm, both pilots coordinated their movements to punch the beast on the jaw, and used that small opening when it loosened its grip to kick it back all the way.

-What's the status on the other kaiju?!

A voice from the intercom crackled to life, static filling the line.

- _We're in a bit of a_ **_hassle_ ** _at the moment! If you could_ **_kindly_ ** _wait on the line...!_

The four of them shared a laugh through gritted teeth as the skeleton and the cat monster beside him braced themselves for the speeding kaiju swimming towards them. It collided head on, but they managed to get a better grip on it this time and blast one of its fins off with their first plasma cannon.

The kaiju wailed and retreated; encouraged by the small victory, they advanced and charged their second cannon to finish it off. 

A panicked scream came from the intercom.

-We've lost our kaiju! I repeat, _we've lost the kaiju!_ It just vanished from the radar!

A cold chill went down not-Grillby's spine, and a sense of dread built up and lingered in the drift. They stopped moving, the cat monster yelling into the intercom.

- _What the hell do you_ **_MEAN_** _it_ ** _just_** **_vanished?!_**

-It just _did!_ We're heading towards your location, keep an eye on your kaiju and hang on while-

The last part of the transmission was lost on them; the two pilots were deafened by a sudden explosion beneath them that shook the entire command cabin. Screams and shouts of confusion mixed together for several seconds until they could figure out what had happened.

- _Lambda! Lambda, do you copy?!_

-Lambda what's your status? _What's going on over there?!_

Feelings of panic started to flow heavily through the drift, as the cat monster checked all the systems frantically in search of the malfunction. Not-Grillby pressed the intercom button, already knowing the answer even before his copilot could fully register it in their shared mind. 

-The second kaiju went through the reactors, _the CORE is shutting down!_

Another strong shockwave sent them backwards as the kaiju (codename: Swordfish) yanked itself out of the robot, taking as many parts of machinery as possible with it. The first beast that they were originally fighting (codename: Sharkhead) coiled in front of them, ready to strike.

Loud screams came from the intercom, mixed with a bunch of orders yelled in unison that tried to discourage something in a disorienting mess. Unable to defend themselves, both pilots braced themselves for a final impact.

Their tag-team jaeger rushed into their field of vision, punching Sharkhead as it lunged forward, and standing in front of Lambda in a protective stance. The cat monster couldn't warn them in time before Swordfish swam around them and hit from behind, throwing them off their feet as they tried to dodge.

- **_NO!!_ **

With a quick snap, Sharkhead tore one of their team jaeger's arms, both kaijus taking turns at attacking and biting parts off. Not-Grillby felt his body twitch and bolt into movement, both pilots of the Lambda Blue struggling to get the jaeger running to their aid. 

They didn't make it. By the time they reached them, there was a massive, fuming hole in the middle of the machine and both kaijus had shredded it to bits. Before their friends' jaeger was rendered completely useless, its pilots managed their one last attack, taking Swordfish down with them as the second beast finished them off. The control cabin was smashed within Sharkhead's jaws, and the radio connection died abruptly; only static could be heard from the other end of the line.

Screaming in fury and powerlessness, Lambda ran the last couple of miles that separated them and slammed their fist into the kaiju's side. They tore Sharkhead away from the remains of their teammates' jaeger, throwing it away as the destroyed robot fell apart and into the ocean.

-Water's getting into the main reactor, you don't have much time Lambda, do you copy?

The kaiju howled, raging in a blind stampede towards them. It pushed them back, their battered commands barely responding to allow them to keep standing.

- **_LAMBDA DO YOU COPY?!_ **

The jaeger swayed on its feet, but regained its balance. 

-Doc, we're pretty bad off! If we load the cannon maybe we-

The floor disappeared under their feet, as a gigantic mouth shredded the rest of the metal casing of the jaeger and the engines directly beneath them. The kaiju was gone as soon as it had attacked, taking half the front casing away with it and completely exposing the CORE to the elements. A loud scream, followed by a feeling of pure _terror_ overran the drift, paralyzing him, as he saw Nate -his **copilot,** his **_friend-_ ** getting ripped off of his station, breaking through the railings and falling all the way down into the reactors below. The last few cables still tying him to his copilot threatened to drag him down as well until they snapped, and the drift went completely silent.

Not-Grillby _wailed,_ recoiling and holding his head. Disoriented and lost, he reacted automatically, with his mind in a haze and a painful stupor that wouldn't let him think straight. He was boiling with rage, the one thought ringing in his skull _I'm gonna kill this bastard kill it kill it I'm gonna_ **_KILL IT_ ** _if it's the_ **_last thing-_ **

Another sudden impact on the jaeger's chest almost knocked it off its feet. A sharp wave of electricity and pure _agony_ ran through his whole body when he tried to steer the commands, as if struck by lightning; he cried out as the full weight of the jaeger fell on him alone, pushing his already exhausted mind and body to the limit. The kaiju grabbed the jaeger's arms and bit into the chasis again, trying to reach the cabin.

Shouting to push past the pain, he raised his fist and loaded the cannon. Sharkhead, distracted from its target, lunged for the weapon and bit into it, trying to tear it apart. The shot pierced a clean hole through its thick head, and the beast fell, a limp mass of dead weight lost into the ocean.

The jaeger collapsed, a series of explosions going off in all its main reactors. Every system went off-line. He thought of his sons as his legs gave out and the dark nothingness swallowed him whole-

.

.

.

  
  
  


The first thing he saw were the lights. Bright lights that blinded him, while a sense of cold and numbness slowly cemented him back to the present. His body was stiff, and he couldn't quite feel his legs. He vaguely thought that he should probably be more worried about that bit, but he was still having too much trouble thinking and tryig to process what just happened.

A dark figure leaned over him, partially covering that painful brightness and saying something. It only made him flinch; the voice, though quiet, was sharp and ear-splitting. The figure seemed to quickly realize this, and stopped talking. A soft purple glow gradually came into focus before him, until he could vaguely make out a couple of magic hands signing very slowly.

-... -by? Hey, you with me? The test is over, Grillby, you're not plugged in anymore. They turned everything off.

Blinking rapidly, the elemental tried to move. A gentle hand on his chest kept him down as the purple hand signed urgently. 

-Don't get up yet.

-... Wh-what...

His voice was hoarse, and sounded strained.

-Wh-what... m-my eyes...

-You've been crying, candle.

His vision cleared a bit more with every blink, and he eventually realized that yes, that stinging sensation in his face _was_ actually from crying. He finally focused on the skeleton hovering over him, close enough for reassurance but not invading his space, and wearing an exhausted look on his face. He also seemed very agitated and pale; his eyesockets were open slightly more than was normal, and he was panting under his breath.

-No amount of warning is ever enough for the first drift. Pretty intense, huh? How do you feel?

Grillby tentatively tried to move in place, testing his trembling body. He relaxed some more against what he had come to realize was the metal floor of the cabin, huffing weakly.

-Better.

Gaster hummed in acknowledgement and leaned away, steadily winding down as well.

-Still, you should wait some more before you get up. You had a pretty nasty panic attack.

The elemental flinched, flaring.

-I- _WHAT?!_

The same magic from before returned, and the hand was back on his chest to stop the sudden jerk of his body as he attempted to get up.

-Hey, **hey,** _easy_ there. Nothing happened, besides a slightly charred headset; the equipment _is_ heat resistant, y'know?

-... I-I d-didn't... burn anyone?

Gaster tilted his head slightly and gave him an odd look.

-Well, no one else was here, so... no.

-I... d-did I burn you?

The skeleton only smiled weakly, still panting and sliding down to lie on the floor next to him.

-You have strange priorities, candle.

- **_D-did I?!_ **

-Geez, _no,_ calm down. What is the staff gonna say, when they come back and see you're still flaring, hm? 

Grillby instantly relaxed, sighing as he closed his eyes and let his head drop. After a moment he opened them again, confused.

-The... staff...?

-Just like I said, new staff, total amateurs. I told them to fuck off when they came up with the brilliant idea to try to knock you out with water, once they couldn't calm you down the first try. Clearly what they're supposed to do. _Clearly._

He scoffed when his wheezing slowed down, letting out a weak laugh in annoyance. Grillby gave him a grateful look.

-... so... that went awfully wrong.

-Not really. All those seasoned pilots you see, walking so confidently around the base? They all most likely went through something very similar their first time in the drift. The thing is that these idiots - _yes_ , I mean **_you_** **_idiots_** up there, I _know_ you're watching- never had to deal with an inexperienced pilot before.

Gaster rised to his elbows and slowly sat up, offering Grillby a hand to help him up.

-Was it the same? Your first drift...

The skeleton looked up in contemplation.

-Yeah, pretty much the same. Only I straight up fainted instead; I think I also threw up on the controls? Yucky.

Grillby laughed tiredly.

-Anyway, if you feel better you should go to the infirmary. That's where you were supposed to go in the first place.

The elemental turned to look at Gaster with a strange kind of curiosity that he couldn't quite shake off as his thoughts started to settle.

-Why are you being so patient with me? I... honestly don't know if I would've done the same, had it been the other way around.

-Of course you would have.

He was, to say the least, surprised by that answer. The skeleton smiled. 

-I get the impression you think you're a lot worse than you actually are. You're not a bad person, Grillby. Any half-decent monster who's gone through some bad stuff would help others go through the same bad stuff. Didn't you use to do that with new recruits, back during the war?

Grillby's eyes widened, a bunch of the memories and images from the drift flooding back to the forefront of his mind. Gaster lowered his hands to the floor between them, hiding his signs from others' view.

-Go to the infirmary first, we can talk later if you want, after someone checks on you. Find me later, I'll probably be on the rooftop.

With that, he stood up on shaky legs, carefully helped the elemental back to his feet, and led him out of the cabin. Grillby still managed to get a quick look around the place; there were _far_ _more_ than only a few scorch marks on his pilot station, and they extended throughout the floor and all the way around the spot they had just been sitting on. He shuddered.


	6. The ship wreck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get ugly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, another double update. Man I suck at writing consistent chapters.
> 
> Edit: I fucked up the file when I first uploaded this chapter -_- If you happen to have opened it already, this is the correct version.

The doctor gave him a look over in passing and quickly dismissed him. After he was awkwardly ushered out of the infirmary, he stood aside in a corner of the hallway and leaned back on the cool wall for a while, still confused and slightly jarred. The next step was to acknowledge that whatever the hell happened back there in the pilot cabin had _actually_ happened.

He wandered aimlessly through the labyrinth of corridors for a while, not paying attention to where he was going, until he looked up and found himself in front of an elevator. Remembering what the skeleton had said earlier, he went in and pressed the last button on the top corner of the panel without a clear idea as to why.

Despite being fairly hidden to the passing eye, Gaster wasn't all that hard to find, since the elemental knew what he was looking for. The bottle of booze was unexpected, though.

-So, first drift, huh. First impressions?

A spark of annoyance passed in a flash across his flames at the slight slur in the skeleton's voice, reminiscent of the first time he had seen him drunk (the very first time they met, no less). The familiar tightness in his chest and the small flare lasted a moment, only to quiet down a second later and settle in sad contemplation. 

At least he didn't seem _fully_ drunk this time. Not yet, at least.

Gaster looked at him like he had just read his mind, and let out a weird laugh, slightly unsteady and wobbly. His whole self seemed slightly unsteady and wobbly too, as he reclined on the thick piping and concrete that formed the small crevice he was perched on.

-Nope, not drunk yet. Jus' takin' the edge off. The whole thing ended up bein'... mmmm too much. A bit _too_ _much._

-... Uh huh...

-Still disappointed, I see.

-Wha- _No,_ but why would it even matter if-?

Grillby sighed, running a hand down his face.

-I don't know, just... bear with me, okay? It's still a lot.

-For what 's worth, at least I get where y're coming from now. Never been in a milit'ry camp, but dealin' with y'r incompetent drunk soldiers that got wasted in betw'n battles musta been one _hell_ of a bother.

- _Uff._ Tell me about it...

Gaster's demeanor changed somehow, in a subtle way that Grillby couldn't quite pin down.

-I didn' think y'were old enough to 've fought in the War. They recruited y' very young.

-Desperate times, desperate measures, I guess. There came a point when they stopped caring about age, so long as you were strong enough to hold your ground against a human. My older brothers and sisters were forced to fight in the front even earlier than me. Most of them were dust before the so called 'peace treaty'.

Silence hung thick in the air. Grillby huffed after a while with annoyance. 

-So what, _that's it?_ You're not gonna talk about **your** part of it _at all._

The skeleton's gaze was far off, as he lifted the bottle and chugged about a third of its remaining contents without pause. His head was swaying more visibly when he spoke.

-Dunno what to say, or what y' saw; 's kinda pointless anyway. 

He tensed, glaring at Gaster as he was starting to lose his calm.

-I saw enough. You're not doing yourself any favors by drinking your problems away, and you're certainly **not** doing the jaeger program any good. It's not just recklessness anymore; you're a **menace.** And if you really think that _this_ is a good way of coping, you should seriously think twice about it.

- **H A .** As opposed to _what,_ pray tell? Hm? Like y're doin' _so much better_ with y'r own baggage.

Grillby bristled, offended.

-At least you don't see _me_ stumbling all over the damn place, like some **goddamn-!!**

-What? Like some goddamn _what,_ Grillby? 

The elemental fell silent. Gaster scoffed loudly, a sour smirk twisting his face.

-Y' don't need to finish that sentence, I heard it clearly in y'r head already. A _disappointment,_ huh? A dropout. A **failure.** _Wow._

He cackled.

-'m truly honored, **truly,** didn' know y' thought so highly of me. Cheers to that. 

He raised his bottle in a mock toast.

-Yeah, Imma fuckin' **disappointment.** _Shocking_ news. No fuckin' **_shit,_** S-H-E-R-L-O-C-K, didn' have to drift with me to figure _that_ out.

Shame and guilt oppressed Grillby's chest and clawed at his throat, until his flame felt choked.

-I-I didn't mean it like-

- _Oh no,_ **_yeah_ ** _you did,_ and y' know what? 's _fine,_ cause y'r not wrong. But at least **_I_ ** have the fuckin' _decency_ to acknowledge it. When are _you_ gonna do the same, **candle?**

Grillby sputtered a flurry of sparks, as Gaster merely threw his head back and kept gulping down more and more alcohol. His voice became more slurred after each long swig he took from the bottle, clearly noticeable even to someone who didn't understand his font.

-What, y' went through some nasty shit and di'n end up a mis'rable drunk. Woohoo. Fuck'n _cheers._ ** _Y're still no better than me._** Not when y' also wake up screamin' ev'ry _goddamn_ _night,_ still feel like y' wanna fuck'n **die,** cause 's all jus' too _damn_ ** _much_** an', an' y' jus' want any _f-_ ** _fuck'n_** way out an'... y-y're so d-damn desp'rate to fuck'n... f-fuck'n _end it all..._

Gaster was sobbing by the end of his drunken babble. Words got more and more slurred, and his signs became too sloppy to read. 

Grillby was at a loss. He awkwardly shuffled forward, confused and concerned, and hesitantly reached out for his arm in an attempt to comfort him.

The skeleton flinched violently the moment that the hand made contact with him, and shoved Grillby away with more force than the elemental thought he could have in that state. Strong magic pulsed into life, a flurry of bones surging from the ground and flying outwards.

**_\- G E T O F F ! !_ **

Grillby barely got his bearings in time to dodge the sudden burst of vicious attacks. He backed a good distance away, looking at Gaster from afar with a newfound kind of panic. It was _terrifying,_ but something about it felt eerily familiar, like a deja vu, a strange feeling deep within his soul that both resonated and unsettled him...

It felt like he was looking in a mirror.

For the briefest moment, he stood frozen in place, unable to react, and he hesitated.

He turned around and bolted towards the elevator, and didn't stop running until he reached his room and collapsed in a shaking heap. 

His head was bursting with memories and thoughts and emotions that didn't make any sense. He could almost feel like was still there, staring through the distorted mirror of the drift at a twisted reflection of someone else that resembled his own. He wasn't able to contain his tears anymore as he passed out from exhaustion on his messy bed.


	7. Lifeboat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A different kind of ugly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, things start to get a little bit better after this chapter. A little. Kinda. I guess.

-what the hell dad, did ya sleep outside or something?

Gaster groaned in pain, swaying on his feet as he rubbed his sockets. His eyes still hadn't gotten used to the light of the morning, much less the artificial one in the corridors. 

-Wh-where is Grillby? Did you see him?

-no, not recently, but i saw him in passing yesterday. by the way, what the hell  _ happened _ back there?

-Wh-wh... what do you...

-dude seemed pretty rattled, what did you  _ do _ to him to get him so worked up?

-Sans I  **need** to talk to him, where is his room?

-im not sure thats a great idea, dad...

His point was instantly proven when Gaster suddenly swayed to one side, covering his face and breathing in deeply.

- _ F-fuck,  _ I _... _ I need to go, I-I need to...

- **dad.**

He turned his unfocused gaze towards his son, who was giving him a stern look from the middle of the hallway as he himself was slumped gracelessly against the wall and tried to get his legs to work again.

-youre coming to our room with me.  _ now. _

Sans' harsh expression disconcerted him, and he followed without another word of protest. It was so rare to see his son this serious that he thought it best not to question him. Besides, he would probably only make things worse if he went to talk to the elemental so soon. Perhaps it was best to wait. 

Upon crossing the threshold, he was greeted by a barely lit room and a severe glare from his youngest. The hurt in Papyrus' eyes was too evident; he couldn't keep his guilty eyes on him.

-A WHOLE DAY, DAD.

Gaster squirmed on his feet, not knowing what to do with his body.

-I did tell you two that I wanted to be alone for a while after the compatibility test...

-A. **WHOLE.** _DAY._

Sans proceeded to walk past him, and flopped down on his bed without so much as a glance at his direction.

-we thought to respect your privacy despite everything, so we didnt try to locate you besides asking in a few public places in the base. we didnt track you down or rat you out to undyne or anything like that, but may i ask, just  _ where _ were you, exactly? not to pry, but you  **were** pretty much untraceable for a whole day. might be a  _ little _ easier for us if we knew where you are next time you wanna vanish, just saying.

Gaster couldn't help a small, amused huff.

-Thought you said you didn't track me down...

Sans didn't reply. He still wouldn't look at him.

- _ DAD. _

He limited his answer to a defeated, tired sigh. He dragged his feet to the other bed in the room and sat down, falling heavily on it. His head was spinning; he closed his eyes tight, trying to make the dizziness go away. The last of his drunkenness still hadn't faded quite entirely, but he was already starting to feel its aftermath in its fullest.

-YOU'RE NOT EVEN SOBER YET, ARE YOU?

His eyes flew wide open. A violent shudder went down his back at his son's accusatory tone, making his headache worse.

When Gaster finally dared to make eye contact, Papyrus was giving him another one of his pained, concerned looks. 

-theres a bottle of water somewhere over there, you probably need it. there should be some food too, we smuggled some from the breakfast table. i take it you didnt eat anything yet either, am i wrong?

When he didn't get an answer, Sans opened his eyes halfway and turned to give him a blank look.

-yeah, thought so.

Gaster felt a crippling numbness spreading through him as he stared at the floor, eyes wide and vacant. 

Was... was he really so predictable, that his sons had immediately known he'd gone and gotten wasted the minute he was alone? They hadn't been  _ wrong, _ of course, but that only made it all the worse. Not even  **he** had known for sure that he was going to drink so much after the test, only guessed it at the time. 

Was he really that transparent? That... simple?

He jumped when a gloved hand held his own, gently unclenching it from the edge of the mattress. Papyrus had moved over and was sitting next to him, wearing a sad half smile. 

-YOU'RE SHAKING.

Blinking a few tears away, Gaster tried to settle his thoughts. His head felt very light, and the rest of his body reacted clumsily when he ordered it to move; he squeezed his son's hand a little too tight.

-HOW DID THE TEST GO, DAD?

He closed his eyes and took a few quick, deep breaths, trying to keep his voice steady.

-It went... well.  _ Too _ well. A-at least... what was tested did.

He paused again, as he felt two curious sets of eyes on him.

-We're compatible after all. Apparently we have a very strong connection in the drift, so much so that they even had trouble breaking it.

-I THOUGHT IT WAS THE PILOTS WHO ENDED THE DRIFT...?

-There was a problem, and the test had to be cut short.

There was a sound like shuffling, as Sans sat up to look at him properly from his bed.

-what happened? everyone keeps saying the same thing, that there was a problem or something but nobody knows anything. the higher ups kept their mouths shut about it.

**_... flashing lights, ash, the smell of burning blood, the dust in the air, falling, screaming-_ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

He barely contained a wince, sockets still shut tight.  _ Keep breathing. _

-W-we... the drift worked as it should, but we had t-trouble with... Grillby panicked.  _ Badly. _ He's inexperienced, it was to be expected that he'd linger in one nasty memory or another, but I... c-couldn't...

_ Deep breaths, think of something else, train your mind into something else. The smell of ketchup in the room, the fabric of your son's glove, the ticking clock on the wall, deep breaths... _

-WERE HIS MEMORIES THAT BAD?

He gave his son a weak smile out of habit.

-They... they were, actually. But I couldn't help all that much with them.

-what do you mean?

Sans was tilting his head, trying to pass as just merely curious, but his quiet concern was still plain visible. Gaster huffed, laughing a bit before his expression fell.

-I-I couldn't quite... control my memories, either. I c-couldn't stabilize the drift enough...

He paused when his voice got too shaky. With his free hand, he grabbed the bottle of water that was resting nearby and took a quick swig from it, if only to do something with his body and conceal his trembling just the tiniest bit. He put the bottle down just as fast; the way that the water went down his stomach made him nauseous.

_ Deep breaths. Don't be sick in front of your boys. Deep breaths. _

-I... I think I might have triggered his reaction from my side of the drift, I wasn't as r-ready as I thought. I couldn't handle it, I j-just w-wouldn't... c-calm  _ down... _

He was surprised into a warm hug. 

Papyrus held him firmly, but his touch was gentle as he slowly turned him around to face one other, and he took great care not to make any sudden movement when handling him. 

Papyrus had always been such a kind soul, to everyone, no matter what. In his head, Gaster knew for a fact he didn't deserve a son as kind as him; not now, not after everything that happened.

More noises came from the other side of the room, getting closer.

-you relived the whole thing, didnt you.

It wasn't a question. It didn't even sound like it was meant to be heard, more like Sans was thinking out loud without realizing it. It was too softly spoken, too uncertain and pained to have belonged to his precious Sans...

Another body weighed on the bed by his other side, and a smaller pair of arms surrounded him. Gaster had to fight his absolute hardest not to break down and start crying pathetically that very moment.

Since when did his sons feel that they needed to take care of him? 

When had they become so jaded and used to his hangovers? To his constant drinking, to seeing him so...  _ broken? _

-IT MUST HAVE BEEN VERY HARD FOR YOU TOO, NOT JUST FOR GRILLBY. AND PAINFUL.

-you dont have to talk about it, but its okay. we just want you to be okay, dad.

... Why were they comforting  _ him, _ when it should have been the other way around?

He let out a choked, quiet sob. His trembling got much worse.

They stayed like that for a long while, just holding each other, until Papyrus deemed that enough time had passed to safely break the silence.

-SO, HOW IS GRILLBY NOW? IS HE ALRIGHT?

-yeah, thats right, what was up with that?

Gaster sighed, deeply relieved that the conversation had shifted away from himself. He still didn't feel very proud of his part in that story, though.

-Oh, I... I talked to him some time after the test, and... yeah, it... wasn't great.

-WHY NOT? WAS HE UPSET? HE MUST SURELY UNDERSTAND THAT NOBODY COULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!

-it wasnt your fault, that matchstick cant give you any trouble for it and he  _ knows _ it.

He still couldn't help a small giggle. Such different takes on the same situation. 

-No, it was nothing like that, just... let's say I wasn't exactly... thinking straight, when we talked...

-HUH? WAIT- _OH MY GOD_ **DAD,** WERE YOU DRUNK THEN ALREADY?!

The painful numbness came back to his chest as his sons broke the embrace and he felt their stares on him. He closed his eyes and sighed slowly, trying to gulp down some of the shame.

-huh. no wonder matchstick was acting so weird then.

He couldn't help a shudder as he forced himself to look up at Sans.

-H-how was he? What do you mean, acting weird?

Sans only raised a brow bone.

-i dunno,  _ weird, _ he looked nervous. he jumped when he saw me, didnt talk, basically ran away. he was burning like crazy. 

Gaster kept growing more and more guilty and ashamed. He would have to fix things with him, and _fast._ By some miracle he **did** remember their conversation this time, and it hadn't been exactly civil. The bone attacks that he _definitely_ ** _didn't_** remember conjuring were still there when he woke up that morning. 

Sans was giving him that curious, odd look again.

-why? what happened?

-I-I don't _know,_ **_okay?!_** I was very rattled, I wasn't thinking, I don't know what got into me. I was angry, we yelled at each other, just... I need to talk to him.

-WELL, OF COURSE YOU DO! YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.

-yeah, dudes pretty stuck up but he really seemed upset.

-SANS! JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE HIM DOESN'T MEAN IT'S OKAY TO BE MEAN TO HIM. 

Papyrus squinted his eyes, scratching his chin.

-ALTHOUGH YOU TWO  _ DO _ SEEM TO HAVE AN AFFINITY FOR VIOLENCE EVERY TIME YOU TALK. YOU SHOULD AT LEAST  _ TRY _ TO BE NICER TO HIM, DAD!

-or how about, ya know, you  _ dont _ get drunk next time you talk to him? seriously, does the guy even know you sober-?

-...  _ ThAT'S  _ **_ENOUGH!_ **

They both stopped their bickering and turned to look at him. 

Gaster's eyes were sealed shut, and his fingers were clawed deep into the mattress, knuckles cold and shaking. He took many deep breaths through his nose, struggling not to faint, and tried to force his body to relax.

-... J-just... enough. P-please.

A small squeeze to his hands, one from each side, helped him refocus.

-... hey.

Sans sounded guilty, and pointedly averted his eyes.

-we have to head out for work soon. are you gonna be okay on your own?

Gaster nodded slowly. There was no use in making them feel worse, and so early in the morning too. A few more shaky breaths, and he raised his head to try for a reassuring smile.

-I can manage.

They both still looked very much unconvinced, but he had just put them through a lot. They hadn't even started their day yet, and he had distressed them so much already. 

The lie was somewhat believable, at least.

-GET SOME SLEEP, DAD. YOU LOOK VERY TIRED.

-I will. Have a nice day, boys.

They both leaned forward for a quick hug. Gaster returned it with weak arms, feeling his eyes slide closed. He really was exhausted. 

-I love you both.

-love you too, dad.

-I LOVE YOU TOO, DAD! TAKE IT EASY TODAY. WE WILL BE BACK AFTER LUNCH.

His tired smile was more genuine this time, as he pressed his teeth to both of their skulls in a soft kiss before letting himself fall fully over the bed. Sleep came fast to him, and mercifully with no dreams.


	8. Winds of change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which amends are made.

He didn't really know how or _why,_ but he found himself wandering all the way up to the rooftop again.

The weather was chilly that night, but not enough to be uncomfortable; fanning his flames a little higher was enough to keep his temperature stable. He slowly made his way to the railings, to the edge of the base where the metal structure met rock and sea. Even from the small distance he was standing at, looking down made him dizzy. Grillby was contemplating whether to walk away from the edge or not, when his flames sparked a bit higher upon realizing with a start that he wasn't alone. 

Quiet and partially hidden by shadows, a familiar skeleton was leaning casually on the rails, his gaze up and lost in the starry sky beyond. 

-It's a beautiful night, isn't it?

Without moving or looking at him, Gaster had conjured two hands that signed in the elemental's direction. His face was unreadable, no particular emotion showing other than disinterest and mild boredom. He didn't even open his mouth when he regarded Grillby, which made the elemental uneasy.

-What are you doing out here anyway, candle? I didn't take you for the outdoors kind; I've never seen you come here once on your own. 

Grillby shifted his weight from one foot to the other. The skeleton made no attempt to go near him, or to even acknowledge his presence other than signing at him. 

Why did that bother him so much? Gaster always talked like that, he rarely spoke while signing...

But he _did_ speak to him. He did before, at least.

-You’re right, I don't like not knowing what the weather will be like. But I wanted to see the sky tonight. How did you know that I didn't-?

-Been in your head, remember?

-O-oh. Right.

There was a short, uncomfortable silence.

Sighing, Gaster finally turned to face him, a tired smile on his face. 

-I come here very often. Never seen you here before, is all.

They exchanged a silent look, until Grillby couldn't hold his gaze and averted his eyes.

-I thought it might... help me unwind. My head's been a scrambled mess since yesterday. I feel like I can't even think straight anymore.

-It's normal, it’s bound to happen after the very first drift. 

There was another short pause. Grillby started to fidget. 

-I... well, I... also thought I might find you here...

Gaster looked down into the sea, brow knit together in thought. He sighed again, closing his eyes as he signed.

-I guess I owe you an apology. _Again._

The elemental blinked, words getting caught on his throat just as he was about to speak.

-What?

The skeleton ran a hand down his face, gaze fixed on the water below.

-Yesterday, when we talked here... I didn't mean to insult you. And I _definitely_ didn't mean to attack you, especially not after the first tri-

His hand stopped its path down his face to rest over his mouth, and then fell completely as he huffed in frustration. 

-Look, I was _drunk._ I know it's no real excuse or explanation, but it is what it is, just that. I didn't... intend to talk to you like that. I'm sorry.

The elemental stood still and quiet, processing his words. He hadn't expected that when he thought about meeting Gaster. 

The skeleton looked away, tapping the rails nervously. He scoffed with impatience.

-Damnit candle, at least _say_ something. 

-Why? You didn't _say_ anything either. 

Gaster's eyes shot up sharply, turning to him with an annoyed and angry glare.

- **_What the hell do you mean I didn't-?!_ **

-Why aren't you talking to me?

The skeleton stopped his furious retort mid-sign, face going blank with confusion. Grillby felt himself get worked up.

-Why aren't you _speaking?_

He didn't know exactly _why,_ but it was the only thing he could focus on at the time, aside from how **terrible** it made him feel.

-... What do you mean?

The elemental groaned loudly, stifling a low scream of exasperation as he made a fist with his hand and hit the rail. He flared at the sight of the skeleton's uncomprehending expression. 

- _Why won't you_ ** _speak?!_** **You know,** what you do with your _mouth_ when you want to **_say something?!_** Are you mad at me, is that it?! Is this your way of ignoring me?!

He was fuming for no reason, and he _knew_ it, as Gaster just continued to stare blankly at him. His lack of response only made him more nervous. He snapped defensively. 

- **_What?!_ **

Gaster dispelled his magic, slowly raising his real hands with a confused expression.

-I never speak. Why does that upset you?

-Because you _did_ speak to me before, and now you _don't!_ **_Why not?!_ **

-Because you hate my voice.

Grillby reeled as his fire became unstable, letting several wisps fly into the air. What was even worse was the matter-of-fact look in the skeleton's eyes, like he had just said the most natural thing in the world and was surprised he had to explain it at all.

-Wh-where did you get that I-?

-I felt it, in the drift. I didn't realize I was doing it before, nor that you didn't say anything because you were only being polite. You find my font unsettling, feel like it's nails to chalkboard on your ears.

Grillby was horrified.

-It's not your fault, everyone does. That's why I don't speak. You don't have to pretend just to be nice, I don't mind.

The elemental sputtered, thrown off. Gaster tilted his head, even more confused.

-Grillby...?

-That's... okay, _alright._

Gaster raised a brow bone. 

-... Al... right?

- **_Fine!_ **Alright, apology accepted. 

The skeleton retained his disconcerted look one moment longer, before he sighed out in relief.

-Oh good. I was concerned I had scared you with that attack, I thought you might have panicked again. I heard you were unwell after the-

-Why are you _doing_ this?

Gaster, again, was looking at him with that infuriating expression of his, like Grillby was talking crazy. 

-... Do... what?

The elemental felt he might cry. He was so tired, so frustrated and so utterly _annoyed_ that he had to explain the simplest of things when he was so bad with words.

-Why must you-?! I just-! **UGH** _IT'S_ ** _NOT_** _THAT HARD!_

He immediately stopped to take a few deep breaths upon realizing he was growing angry again, trying to calm down and think. He was being irrational, and working himself up even more; his fire was burning too wild and he better control it soon before the skeleton got more scared and-

Gaster hadn't moved an inch from the spot he was standing in the entire time. His sockets were on him, but he wasn't on edge; he looked more concerned than anything. He... wasn't scared...?

Grillby closed his eyes, sighing.

-I-I didn't come here because I wanted _you_ to apologize, I just... I wanted to find you to say sorry.

He stopped to rub the back of his neck, looking down and trying to phrase in his head what he wanted to say.

-I was... pretty nasty yesterday. I didn't mean to upset you. Look, I realize I can come off as a little arrogant sometimes-

- _Just_ sometimes?

He froze. Gaster's look had turned icy, signs quick and sharp.

-Don't get me wrong Grillby, I really _am_ sorry for the way I treated you, but that doesn't mean that the things I said yesterday weren't true. A _little_ arrogant? Are you _kidding me?_

His flames paled. He suddenly felt really small.

-I didn't know exactly what to expect from our drift, and I know I didn't react well but I think we can both agree that I at least had a _bit_ of a reason to be upset. The things you thought about me, that you accused me of in your head... You never saw me as an equal, did you.

He wanted to argue, to say something back to prove him wrong...

-But then again, why would you? I'm just a drunken dropout after all, a disappointment. You're obviously above **that.** _Of course_ you and everyone else would think I was beneath you. And yeah, I may be an asshole when I drink and you may deserve better than being stuck with a wreck for a copilot, but you know what, you make it **_damn_** _hard_ not to hate you sometimes, candle. 

... but he couldn't. 

Grillby shrank in shame, a flickering light compared to his proud flame, threatened to get snuffed out by a mild breeze. He could only keep still and quiet, eyes cast down as he stared at the disembodied hands signing just within his visual range. His chest felt cold and tight, as he tried to hold back the sudden urge to cry and run the hell out of there. He knew he deserved this, but he honestly hadn't expected-

Well, he didn't know what he expected. Less scolding? Some sort of leniency? It made him feel even worse.

Gaster studied him closely as his fire kept burning weaker and weaker. He sighed, choosing his next words very carefully.

-Look. You aren't wrong about me. You also went through some of the same things I did, and many more that were a **_lot_ ** worse, and yet you didn't turn out like... well, **me.** You lost your family...

The first few tears stained the floor, soft popping noises that sounded suspiciously similar to low, choked sobbing.

-You lost everything, and yet you didn't need a bottle of booze to deal with it. That's... pretty damn admirable.

The skeleton frowned sadly as he signed, turning away to look beyond the railings.

-But that doesn't mean I need the constant reminder. I _know_ I'm a drunken dropout, but I could really do without that attitude of superiority **_every time_ ** we drift in the future.

-... p-please stop...

Gaster's magic hands stilled and faded. 

Grillby's tears hissed and started to evaporate into the air, a thin line of smoke blending into the greyish tones that some streaks of his fire were turning.

-P-please stop being so... s-so damn _nice_ then, s-stop treating me like I... like I deserve b- _better..._

He hugged himself tightly, hunched over and trembling noticeably. 

The skeleton's expression shifted, softening as he took a few steps towards him. He opened his mouth, trying his best to produce a sound that was a little better than his actual voice. 

-Hey, now...

-... I-I'm s-sorry...

This was _exactly_ what he had been so afraid of about the drift all along. He felt so... so _vulnerable,_ so **bare.** And he _knew_ Gaster to be right, he couldn't argue with him on anything he said and it all made him feel so **_small._ **

-... I-I'm sorry I thought that, I-I'm s-sorry I'm s-so... th-there’s nothing _admirable,_ I'm **awful!** I j-just... I c-can't believe I-I...

He sobbed, hiding his face.

-Y-you're right about me, I’m n-nothing to be proud of... i-if I w-was, I w-wouldn't be like _th_ \- _this,_ I... I-I'm just a m-mess...

Gaster shuddered. He tapped Grillby's shoulder with one conjured hand, and made sure the elemental was looking when he started to sign. 

- _Don't..._ don't **_say_ ** that _._ You're not a bad person. 

He frowned at the floor, making fists with his hands and taking a sharp breath.

- _You're_ **_not_ ** _a bad person,_ Grillby. I... I really need to stop talking as if you were. **You're not bad.** You _do_ deserve better than having to deal with my shit and my shitty attitude. Sure, you can be kind of an asshole sometimes, but when haven't _I_ been?

Grillby sparked a small laugh, glowing faintly as the skeleton started to walk up to him.

-You _do_ deserve better. Don't say you're no good, cause it's not true.

The elemental gave him a weak smile, but there was no real feeling behind it. Gaster sighed.

-Hey, _it's_ **_okay._ ** I didn't say all that to get you down. We should know the things that piss each other off, it's part of drifting too after all. Don't feel bad, candle, _lighten up_ a little.

He smirked; he got a good laugh from the elemental out of that one.

Grillby slowly started to compose himself, feeling a little better. 

_Good._ The one person whose opinion he should have cared about the most from the very beginning _didn't_ hate him.

His quiet snickers faded, and he dimmed again when he found himself suddenly remembering something else. 

-... I didn't know your legs were prosthetic...

-Not many do.

-Do they hurt?

Gaster blinked rapidly, taken completely by surprise. 

-... N-no... no, it doesn't hurt, Grillby...

In his astonishment he replied out loud without thinking, voice soft as he signed.

The elemental nodded vacantly. Then he smirked. 

-Heh, got you to speak though.

A curious smile tugged at the corners of the skeleton's mouth. 

-What _is_ it with you and hearing me speak? Do you _want_ to suffer?

-I don't want you to feel that you have to hide your voice. At least not around me. You don't have to be quiet; speaking seems like the most natural thing to do to me.

Gaster's smile widened. He laughed, incredulous.

-And then you say you're not a nice person. 

Grillby paused. 

-I don't know about that, but since we're being upfront, I also meant what I said yesterday. Drinking will not do you any good. But that doesn't mean you're a disappointment or a failure. 

The skeleton chuckled quietly, watching the elemental's assertive frown with amusement.

-No, I guess not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the last of my buffer of well-edited chapters. I will continue to work on the next ones, since there are two more chapters that need revising, but I may start posting other fics in the meantime. I hope this lengthier-ish update makes it up a little for that ^^''


	9. Edging forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reaching some kind of an understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god FINALLY. This thing took so damn long. It was one of those things that you keep tweaking but never feel 100% happy with? It just didn't feel complete. Until now. I hope. Next chapter shouldn't be this hard, but you never know -.-
> 
> Kind of a bridge chapter. Stuff will get so much more intense soon :DD

Tensions had started to wind down after they finally had a _proper_ talk about their first drift, but things still weren't always smooth between them. Their personalities were **_very_ ** different, and they would clash often. But the skeleton was always nice to him regardless, and still insisted that he wanted to help him deal with his panic attacks. Grillby would never admit it out loud, but even though it was literally impossible for him to help, it was secretly a huge comfort to hear that.

The elemental contemplated their current situation as he looked at the skeleton sitting in front of him. He didn't mind his company most of the time; the more he got to know him, the more he found that he actually kind of enjoyed hanging out with him. Gaster was usually upbeat and a very interesting person to talk to. 

The exception to his usually laid back demeanor was, of course, when he drank, like he was doing right then. 

In truth, Gaster wasn't all that different when he was drunk... at least not when he was relatively coherent. Most of the times he would just lose a few filters and get more talkative, but he could get very snappy with enough alcohol in him. There hadn't been another quarrel the level of the last one, which was fortunate; otherwise, a bad mood for him usually meant staying quiet and having the tendency to drink more. The problem was when he was already having a bad time _before_ he got wasted, and drinking would only sour his mood even more.

This time, however, was a strange mix. Gaster was talkative as usual, but there were moments when he would trail off and go quiet for no apparent reason. He would shrug it off and make jokes to fill the silence after long pauses, but there was some kind of sadness there, almost palpable. 

-You started drinking after that last mission, right?

He spoke without thinking. Grillby cringed, immediately regretting his question. 

Gaster, weirdly enough, didn't react badly. He didn't really react at all; he only turned to look at him, and gave him a flat answer after a short moment of consideration.

-Yes, that's right.

Grillby was... surprised. And disconcerted. It was _definitely_ a strange day if the skeleton was willing to talk about th-

He took a sharp breath and quickly turned away from him, flames shifting and sparking along with the movement. He wasn't going to pry on something so painful and personal only to satisfy his morbid curiosity, **_least of all_ **when Gaster was drunk.

The latter, however, kept his eyes stubbornly on him, until the elemental started to feel uncomfortable. 

-Why do you ask?

-Sorry.

The skeleton tilted his head.

-Don't be. I'm not mad.

-I shouldn't ask. I was just curious, that's all.

-Curiosity isn't a bad thing. I'm just confused; didn't you know that already from the drift?

Well, Gaster didn't _sound_ drunk, so it _technically_ wouldn't be wrong to keep asking stuff... right?

-No, I didn't. Or, well, I wasn't very sure. I'm still piecing a few things together.

-Such as my parenting skills?

Grillby stilled, shrinking with regret, before he ultimately sighed.

-Will you ever let me live that down? I know I was terrible but...

-Yeah, I know, cheap shot. 

Gaster slumped back, slouching into a more relaxed position and bringing the bottle up to his mouth with a disinterested expression.

-I'm just tired of people's prejudices. _Especially_ about my sons.

Grillby stayed quiet for a short while as he mulled a question over, and finally gathered the courage to ask it, even though he believed to know the answer already.

-Did _you_ get any clear view from the drift? I mean, h-how much did...?

-How much do I know about you?

The elemental shied away from his gaze, burning some light blues as Gaster laughed.

-Hey, _I get it,_ it's intimidating at first. How weird is it to have someone in your head?

Grillby scoffed.

-You're one to talk. At least you're used it; I'm still freaking out about sharing my mind with someone else. 

-Well, you will also get to know me quite well when you get used to drifting. But to answer your question, I did see a lot. I'm actually pretty sure I know almost everything there is to know about you already.

Okay, that was just plain _insulting._ Grillby frowned, glaring at him.

-Are you saying I'm simple-minded?

-Not at all.

-Don't _patronize_ me, I may not be that smart but I'm not _daft._ If you're mocking me at least be direct.

-I am not. You can learn a lot from the drift, if you know how to look. That's how I can tell exactly where the problem with your anxiety lies, for example.

The annoyed reply he was ready to throw at him stopped in Grillby's open mouth as he just stared at him in disbelief instead.

-... You _can't_ know that. Not from a single drift.

-Do you really wanna go there?

-How could you _possibly-?_

-You also feel like a disappointment, like me. Maybe not in the same way as I do, but the point still stands. You think that you somehow failed, to the army, or to yourself, because despite this unstable peace with the humans, things never actually changed between our species, so the war was pretty much for nothing. Monsters still get the worst part out of this deal, and now we just have to suck it up and endure it because we need _them_ to survive the kaijus.

Gaster paused to take a small drink from the bottle in his hand, that same nonchalant expression on his face. He then pointed at the elemental with that same hand, gesturing somewhat unsteadily.

-And then there's the anxiety factor. Your people were always afraid of you in the army, because you couldn't control your magic properly after all the traumatic things you dealt with and you would snap very easily because of that. Which is rather common among vets, mind you; not that anyone ever bothered to tell you that. Then the panic attacks got worse after the war, when you lot were told to just go back to civilian life like nothing happened. Humans are suddenly mixed in with monsters again; we can all still see the fear and anger in their eyes when they stop in the streets to stare at us like we're circus freaks...

Grillby was suddenly thrown back in time, flashbacks to his trial soon after the peace treaty was established. He remembered with a shudder just how close he had come to end up imprisoned for life, because he had been deemed by many in the jury to be unstable and a flat-out **threat.** He wasn't declared guilty, but spent _months_ in containment anyway as a precautionary measure, making him feel even more like a menace.

-You were treated like a dangerous nutcase, locked up and left to deal with all that shit on your own; you were alone. 

His flames were very still, turned a pale yellow that barely made his widened eyes visible. Blinking some tears away, he could only stare. As he slowly refocused on the present, he finally managed to react.

-... y-you... you actually saw all that...

He found that the skeleton was staring back at him with a soft, empathetic and **_far_ ** _too sober_ look in his eyes.

-That's why you're so scared of yourself and your panic attacks. You're afraid of hurting someone else and setting it all off again, aren't you?

A long, heavy silence followed that statement. He had nailed it in every single detail.

Grillby took a shuddering breath, controlling his now trembling fire and eventually calming back down.

-... How do you do that? 

-Do what?

- _Know._ You just **know** so much... I can barely even process what I saw in the drift.

Gaster gave him another one of those unreadable looks of his before he ultimately sighed, tacitly agreeing to drop the subject.

-Experience. Practice. You will get the hang of it with time.

He then studied the elemental's face very carefully. 

-What do _you_ know about me then? What have you learned from the drift? 

Grillby's mind turned to consider that instead, deep in thought and _so very glad_ that he was given the excuse to focus on something else. He started to recollect the images in his head.

-I saw... lots of memories of your sons, some of that mission. I... saw the way that you lost your missing bones. I _felt_ it.

He stopped, averting his eyes.

-Was that how you lost your legs?

Silence. 

Gaster sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his skull back. 

-... No.

His gaze turned away, up to the sky.

-My legs lasted years after that; damaged, but functional. They were a hassle and hurt like hell from time to time, but they were still intact enough that I could use them fairly well. I lost them completely after I fell, and also got these lovely scars on my face as yet another reminder of it.

A short pause to drink.

-What else did you see? 

Grillby hesitated, suddenly unsure of how to tackle the next thing. 

-... There were many memories that I don't understand... they don't make sense. Memories of large forests, a small village, a tree fairy monster... They don't fit with any of the rest. It's like they're from someone else's life altogether.

It was as if a tight spring snapped; Gaster's body got fully petrified. His eye lights faded.

For a couple of minutes, Grillby believed he had become catatonic, or that was having some sort of dissociative episode. Just as he was about to get up and shake his shoulder with concern, the skeleton shook his stiffness off with a shudder and a sharp intake of breath.

-... that's because they are. 

A different kind of sadness lingered on his face as he brought the bottle to his mouth with more intensity behind the motion. After a long silence he seemed to have trouble breaking, he finally managed to get some words out.

-My first copilot. Nate Katmann, he was called.

Something heavy settled on the pit of Grillby's stomach as the skeleton took another, longer drink.

-I'm sorry, I should have warned you beforehand. It honestly slipped my mind. I guess there's still a lot of him on my side of the drift.

That weird memory of just darkness and burning, terror and screams and falling until...

-We were connected until the very end, you know? Up until his very last moments...

... it all happened too fast to even let him think a proper last thought.

Gaster took a deep breath through his nose, shuddering. His carefully neutral expression faltered, but with some effort he recovered his calm just enough to keep it in place. Grillby burned lower as a way of expressing his condolences. 

-I'm sorry.

Gaster only nodded absently.

-He was a good man. All he wanted was to make enough money so he could settle down with his wife. We weren't meant to fight indefinitely anyway, or so we were told at first, so he would wait until his service time was over and then leave with his wife to travel into the mainland, search for a safer place to live. That's what he told her, at least.

-What was the truth?

-He wasn't sure he had a good enough chance of survival to do that. 

Gaster raised the bottle once more to drink. Whenever he took a drink, the long swigs he took kept getting much, much longer each time.

-The original jaeger technology was very faulty, and much harsher on the pilots. Our estimated service time back then was supposed to be a few months, maybe a year _at most._ But we soon realized we were in for the long run. We fought in the same rustbucket for four years straight.

Silence.

-... What happened to her? His wife.

-Don't know. Never heard from her again. She had no reason to stay here after that; she must have gone back to her family, somewhere in Singapore I believe. 

The skeleton didn't speak again after that. With a whole lot of new information to process, the elemental could only stare at the floor in thought.

Gaster drank. Grillby spaced out. And time went on.


	10. Purple beach flag: dangerous wildlife. Warning: you might get stung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the interesting introductions are not over for Grillby yet, it would seem...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be up tomorrow. Right now I'm sitting here on my computer procrastinating and freaking out about an exam I have to take tomorrow :'D Wish me luck. It's the fourth and final chance I get to take it, Imma need all the luck I can get ;-;
> 
> On a lighter note... next chapter will be quite interesting heheheh (¬‿¬ )

The next practice session Grillby was, understandably, quite nervous.

-You  **do** understand that in order to get the hang of this you have to practice, right?

The elemental huffed, a tendril of smoke coming from his mouth as he paced around.

- _ Yes, _ I  **know** that. But that doesn't make practice any more pleasant.

-Aww, do you not like being in my head, candle? You hurt me.

-With the amount of alcohol I ingested secondhand last time, I felt drunk for  _ hours _ after that drift.

-Huh, I better start doing that then, would save on booze  _ and _ hangovers.

- _ Or _ you could stop drinking altogether and spare me the bother. 

-Sure, I started already. I stopped drinking like five hours ago.

Grillby sighed, stopping mid-hallway to rub his face. Gaster, who was sprawled on the floor watching him with mild interest, tilted his head.

-I... I don't want to freak out again.

-No one can get hurt in the cabin. You don't have to worry about that.

- _ You _ are not no one.

He groaned loudly in annoyance, throwing his head back and covering his face.

-And that's besides the  _ point! _ It's the  **_worst_ ** when you wake up feeling like shit, only to realize that you completely fucking  _ lost it. _ And then you get a bunch of people staring at you with that mix of pity and fear in their eyes. It  **sucks.**

Gaster lowered his gaze, humming quietly. 

-... Yeah, it does.

Grillby turned to look at him, burning low as he let out a sad scoff of a laugh.

-Well at least we finally agree on something.

They were interrupted by a short monster in a lab coat, quietly clicking her claws on the tiled floor. She turned around a corner and walked towards them, unaware of their presence as she looked at some papers in her hands with extreme concentration. 

Gaster sat up at once, straightening his back and practically jumping to his feet when he saw her. He kept his balance surprisingly well, despite the heavy hangover from just a few minutes ago.

- _ Alphys! _ I've missed you so much, child!

Before the elemental had time to process the weird familiarity and the 'child' thing (that scientist was  _ well _ into her adult years), the timid-looking lizard monster dropped her papers and gasped, running towards him with a huge smile.

- **_Doctor Gaster!_ **

She hugged him fiercely, her small stature barely reaching his chest as he leaned forward to hug her back, a soft magic surrounding the both of them.

-I-I c-couldn't believe it wh-when they said you were back! I-I was only gone for a short r-research trip, a-and all of a s-sudden y-you're... I-it's been s-so long...

- _ Too _ long. I see you haven't wasted your time while I was away. Royal Scientist, huh?

She blushed intensely, and started fidgeting.

-A-ah, y-yes, well I'm sure S-sans would have been b-better though...

- _ Alphys. _ As much as I love my son, he's a lazybones and wouldn't have cared at all for the job. There's a reason why he never applied. 

-... S-still, it w-would have made m-more sense, b-being your son and all...

Gaster smiled down at her with fondness and pride, the way a father would look at his daughter. He gently rested a hand over her head. 

-Even if he had applied, I would've been just as happy.

Alphys looked up shyly, a faint smile on her face as she leaned forward to hug him again, less nervous this time.

-It's g-good to have you back, doctor Gaster.

He started laughing.

-Goodness, child, there's no need for that! It's not like I'm your 'boss' anymore.

He turned around, suddenly remembering that Grillby was also there, and was met with a confused stare.

-Oh, right! Alphys, meet G-R-I-L-L-B-Y, my new copilot. 

Her affectionate look completely vanished, and in a split second derision overcame her features. It was a remarkable change from the mass of anxious energy she had radiated just one moment ago.

- _ Oh. _ Yes, I've heard of  **you.** Sergeant Grillby, right?

If words could cut, Grillby would be slit in half already just with that sentence alone.

-Uhh... yes, nice to meet you, doctor... Alphys?

She raised her chin. 

-Yes, that is correct.

The lizard monster kept staring at him coldly until he couldn't hold her gaze anymore and averted his eyes, rubbing his arm awkwardly. Gaster just giggled at the whole situation.

- _ Come on, _ Alphys, no need to be so sharp. Will you be the technician to show us to our stations, then?

She let out an angry breath through her nose. Eyeing the elemental one last time, she walked away briskly into the science department without another word.

Grillby turned to the skeleton, speaking quietly.

-I don't think she likes me.

-Don't worry, she's a total sweetheart. She'll love you.

-So... 'child'? Her  _ boss?  _ What was  _ that _ all about?

-W-wouldn't  **_you_ ** like to know...

They were both startled by an angry mutter, just loud enough to be heard by the two monsters whispering a few meters away from her. Grillby blushed intensely, flaring up a bit. 

Gaster, as always, only laughed.

-I've known this girl ever since she was a little kid, basically saw her growing up. I originally came to the base to be a pilot and nothing else, but when I walked into the labs and saw some of the  _ horrors _ those teams were making in some of the designs, I got so involved they eventually made up the whole Royal Scientist job as a sort of excuse to let me intervene casually.

Grillby gaped at him.

- _ You had a  _ **_science degree_ ** _ before you became a pilot? _

-Nope. That was kinda like a running joke. I learned as I went; I mean, I only took an interest because I had some basic level of knowledge and good intuition. 

Alphys briefly looked up from her computer to give him an indignant frown, almost like she was personally affronted by the statement. 

- _ Y-you made some of the b-best technological improvements p-possible! _

Gaster smiled at her and scoffed playfully in a dismissive manner.

-My 'job' wasn't so much in technology as it was to give feedback. I merely provided some ideas and critique. But I guess the mock title stuck; some people  **actually** called me 'doctor' unironically. And then one technician's daughter suddenly appeared in the labs one day, this adorable little lizard kid...

Her face turned bright red, as she quickly turned away and pretended to be immensely focused on her screen.

-... this small girl with huge glasses and a shirt at least two sizes too big, who kept following me around and asking all kinds of questions. She always carried a massive notebook with her, taking notes of everything and always wanting to know 'how the big robots worked'.

Grillby snorted a loud laugh; Alphys' eyes shot up to glare at him, but she didn't look as intimidating anymore. It only made the elemental want to pinch her cheeks.

-She was one of the most brilliant students, and the youngest intern in the division. It's no wonder she earned the  _ actual _ title.

Alphys crossed her arms with a frown, still blushing intensely, as Gaster looked at her with a very fond smile. Grillby couldn't help the warm feeling that spread through his chest at the sight.

She huffed, embarrassed, and adjusted her glasses. 

-A-anyway, these are your s-suits. E-everyone is in the other r-room, w-we'll go there when you're d-done. G-get ready to be plugged into the j-jaeger in ten.

Grillby's expression fell; his fire paled almost immediately. Gaster only gave him a worried look, but said nothing.

There was a tense silence as they walked into the cabin and stepped into their stations. The skeleton gave him a reassuring smile, one that barely did anything to ease Grillby's nerves, but that the elemental appreciated nonetheless. 

He heard the countdown, followed it anxiously in his head. The numbers kept going down slow and relentless until they hit zero, and everything around him just  _ stopped. _ A sudden wave of electricity went through him, and he was sucked into the vortex.


	11. Tidal bore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems Grillby wasn't overreacting after all. He was quickly validated in his worries, and he really wished he hadn't been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well better late than never. I really wanted to post this yesterday but I was just exhausted. That whole day was a rollercoaster because of the exam, but I PASSED :DDDD
> 
> On a serious note: the beginning of this chapter is heavy on PTSD and some of the darkest themes of this fic. It's a really short bit, but I wanted to state that now just in case; you have been warned. Tags were updated.

**.**

**.**

**.  
**

_Deafening noises rang in his ears. Colors, many colors shifting quickly in a blur all around him._ **_Dust._ **

_The gunshots piercing through him, the stabbing pain in his chest as he fell to his knees and collapsed over a pile of dust. The taste of dust in his mouth, the ice-cold mist rising as humans soaked him in freezing water, the dust that stuck to his fire that he couldn't shake off no matter how hard he tried, the dust in the air there's dust in the air there's_ ** _dust_** **_oh my god there's so much DUST-_**

He screamed. 

_Nononono_ **_noNO_ ** _it was over it was_ **_over_ ** _it was_ **OVER** _why am I back I can't be back I can't-_

A splash of water, binding magic, scared screams _oh god I'm back I'm_ **_back_ ** _no no no whywhywhy_ **_WHY-?!_ **

_-...-by, Gril-... -out of it candle_ ** _don't_** _-... -illby_ ** _Grillby_** **_STO-_** _... -ake up wake up_ **GRILLBY** **WAKE UP-!**

**.  
**

**.**

**.  
**

  
  


The first thing he noticed was the feeling of a breeze on his fire.

He couldn't see, so he didn't know for a fact where he was, but it struck him as odd that he only just then noticed the breeze. He was fighting in the fields just then, why wouldn't he notice before...?

Opening his eyes and blinking a few times in confusion, Grillby's sight slowly focused enough to see his surroundings.

He wasn't in a field. He didn't have his guns nor his cannon with him. There was no dust in the air.

The ground was solid and made of concrete. The air was humid, and smelled of salt. He focused on all those things as he uncurled his fists over his head, and steadily started to get the rest of his body to relax.

Taking a few shuddering breaths, he turned to look around, disconcerted. He saw... railings. A large expansion of sea beyond, a blue sky. No dust.

His head was _killing_ him. He felt dizzy, like he could throw up. He pressed his hands on the hard floor to find some sort of balance, something steady to support him, and found that his arms were shaking.

A small huff startled him, setting him right back on edge. He quickly turned around, flaring, ready to face the threat-

In front of him was a weary, familiar skeleton on his knees, panting and trembling. He was a good distance away from him, raising his hands in a calming gesture as he smiled weakly. His expression seemed relieved.

His hands moved to sign unsteadily, along with a few words in that weird font of his.

-Hey, candle. How are you feeling?

Feeling? Why would he-?

His eyes snapped wide open, fire shuddering violently and burning higher as he jerked back in horror.

- **G-GASTER** _yoUR_ **_HANDS-!_ **

Big portions of the skeleton's arms from the elbows down were absolutely _charred._ More blackened patches of bone showed through the tears of his jaeger suit, or rather the destroyed remains of it; the upper and middle parts of the armor were the ones that received the most damage, reduced to a bunch of broken bits of metal that were somehow still attached to him. Some streaks of reds and purples were mixed in along with the scorch marks, covering the exposed bone until its original color almost wasn't visible anymore. Part of his face was badly burnt as well, and judging by the way his clothes were fuming under the suit, he had probably been hit in a few other places as well.

-Grillby, **Grillby** _calm down..._

- _C-CALM_ **_DOWN?!_ ** I COULD HAVE **_KILLED_ ** Y-!

He sucked in a sharp breath, letting out a loud wail. Gaster moved his hands again; Grillby couldn't tell if he had said something or not. Then the skeleton slowly took a few steps towards him. 

The elemental jumped back, screaming.

- **_G-GET AWAY!_ **

Gaster stopped, crouching to be more at eye level with him. His hands were still extended in front of him, always on Grillby's sight, and lowered in a relaxed and non-threatening position. After a short while, he started moving again, even slower.

The elemental choked, sobbing and sputtering as he crawled backwards, flaring in abject _terror._

- _S-stop,_ **d-DON'T-** I-I will- _I d-don't want to h-hurt you!_

Gaster shook his head, calm expression never wavering as he shifted his hands to sign.

-You won't hurt me. Focus on breathing.

- _I-I_ ** _C-CAN'T-_** _I W-WILL-_ J-JUST- **_G-GO AWay..._** p-please...

Grillby was exhausted. He fell backwards, raising his knees to his chest and covering his face as if that somehow meant he was not there anymore. He could only keep crying and whimpering into his hands, making himself as small as possible. 

-... p-please d-don't let me... h-hurt...

His voice was tiny, broken. 

A quiet, warbled sound made him peer up, into a gentle pair of eye sockets that were looking at him.

He was looking at _him,_ not the huge fires spreading around him or the many shifting, half-formed attacks that saturated the air with magic and completely surrounded the both of them, but **him.**

Gaster knelt a couple of meters away from him, not making any other attempt to get closer than that, and he was smiling. He was smiling through the burnt patch of bone on the right side of his jaw and cheek that made his expression droop...

Grillby hid his face again.

-Hey, come on candle, come on look at me.

His magic hands, also floating a good distance away from the elemental, tapped the floor to get his attention and signed slowly, changing positions so that they always remained within Grillby's visual field. 

-Come on, it's okay, bone is sturdier than it looks. It was just an accident, can happen to anyone; no reason to feel bad about it. I sure don't. 

The elemental turned to face the skeleton, hesitant, and stared at him with regret in his wide eyes.

-I b-burned your f-face...

-Didn't do much of a difference, did you _see_ my face before?

-... th-that's not funny...

Gaster huffed a small laugh. Grillby had started to wind down without noticing, steadily getting less shaky as his flames lowered back to something that resembled normal.

-Okay, fair enough. But it still wasn't your fault; things weren't too bad until the team decided to 'intervene'.

His smile fell just the tiniest bit, brow knitting in worry.

-Are you in pain? Are you hurt anywhere?

To this, Grillby blinked, confused. His mind was quickly distracted from his fear of losing control again, and turned to ponder on that instead. _Was_ he hurting?

After a moment of consideration, he shook his head.

-N-no, nothing hurts.

Gaster sighed in relief, smile returning fully to his face.

-Great, that's very good. How are you feeling, then?

He was a bit puzzled by the question. 

-F-fine? I-I'm not in pain...

-That's not what I asked, candle.

There was a short silence, as Grillby thought. He didn't want to talk, he was tired and he just wanted to _sleep,_ but Gaster was worried and he didn't want him to be.

-I'm dizzy. M-my head hurts.

He closed his eyes, trying to calm down and just _think._ Thinking took a lot of effort.

-I f-feel... weak. Tired.

Gaster said something, making him realize he had closed his eyes. He forced them to open when he remembered that he wouldn't understand him unless he saw his hands. The skeleton patiently repeated himself.

-Then we will go somewhere you can rest. Where do you want to go?

Grillby's head was spinning. He didn't have the energy to think very hard, so the best option he could come up with on the spot was his room.

-I... I wanna go to my bed... but we have to go through all the hallways...

He shuddered at the thought of having to walk through the crowded corridors full of loud people. They were surely angry and scared, and very likely to scream at him. He cringed and sighed in resignation. 

But for some reason, Gaster was still smiling.

-Not really. We're not in the cabin anymore.

Grillby stared blankly at him for a moment, before he looked around again.

They were on the rooftop.

-Wh- h-how did we-?

-I have a few magic tricks up my sleeve.

Grinning with a bit of mischief in his eyes, Gaster waved his hands around like a magician after performing an act.

-Teleportation. Comes in handy when running away from annoying people.

The elemental was still looking around in amazement, when he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye that made him turn sharply. The skeleton very slowly started to approach him again.

- _Wh-what are y-?!_

He jumped, but didn't manage to move very far.

- _D-don't come near me you'll get_ **_burnt!_ **

Gaster's calm smile was starting to become annoying to the elemental, who was too exhausted to stay in his panicked state but still couldn't help it.

-Of course not. You're not dangerous, Grillby. 

-Wh- I _hurt_ you! I-I'm not **safe,** _d-don't come any closer-!_

The skeleton was now sitting just a few feet away from him. Tears hissed down Grillby's cheeks, tired and scared Grillby who was desperately trying to get as far away as his numb limbs allowed him to.

-Intent is what determines damage. You won't hurt me, because you don't _want_ to hurt me.

He slowly raised a hand, one of his real hands one of his _burnt_ hands one that would get **_even MORE burnt_ ** **...**

Grillby closed his eyes and shrunk in place with a whimper. He curled into a ball, holding his head in his hands, ready to hear the screams of pain...

... but they never came.

He opened his eyes, stunned, as the distinct feeling of touch went through his flames. He looked at the source of the sensation, perplexed at the softness that he felt from skeletal digits gently holding his forearm and rubbing circles on it. Grillby could only stare in fascination for a while, until he finally raised his head.

Gaster was giggling, seemingly amused by his expression, and soon conjured an extra pair of hands to sign beside him.

-See? I told you. You're not dangerous, candle.

The elemental stayed quiet for a long time, just staring at his arm where the skeleton's hand was resting perfectly safe and unharmed.

-We can deal with Undyne and her superiors and all the paperwork later. For now, how about we take you somewhere more comfortable to lie down for a while, yes?

Grillby felt the telltale prickling of water welling in his eyes again, as he covered his mouth and his flame started shaking. Gaster carefully moved closer, surrounding him with his arms in a gentle embrace. The elemental broke down.

He sobbed while screaming, crying hysterically on Gaster's shoulder as he held on tight like a lifeline. The skeleton pulled him close and waited patiently for Grillby to unwind, rubbing his back and humming a soothing melody to comfort him; he let him scream his throat raw and cry himself dry, until his voice was hoarse and he let everything out.

After a while, neither knowing how long, the shuddering sobs and unstable fire calmed down, growing quieter until they completely stopped. He let his head rest on Gaster's shoulder, his grip going slack as he kept his eyes closed and just breathed. Gaster kept holding him steady, soft but firm as he ran his hand up and down his back and hummed that made up song that was almost like a lullaby. Grillby only focused on breathing evenly; air in, air out, air in, air out, again, and again, and again. 

A bed was suddenly under him; he let Gaster maneuver him to lie him down over the mattress, not protesting once. He was vaguely aware of bringing a pillow close to his face, and as the skeleton pulled the covers over him he was, quite ironically, out like a light. 

He snickered weakly under his breath right before he fell asleep, thinking that Gaster would find that _hilarious._

* * *

  
Fun fact: As destructive as tidal bores can get, they are apparently also great for surfing? Make of that what you will.


	12. Still waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inconsequential, everyday occurrences. Just standard life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what took me this much for such a short chapter. It just didn't want to get finished. Unfortunately some of the next chapters might have relatively long waits, since currently they are barely fleshed out at all ^^'' but I have a good buffer after those I promise!
> 
> Also, OH MY GOD 130 HITS?! Thank you so much people! I honestly didn't think this fic would get this much attention, being a really weird and incredibly specific AU, and in such a short time too! I hope you're all enjoying the story so far, and that I can keep writing more interesting content for y'all. Thank you! <333

Another day of practice, another bout of anxiety. Another relatively quiet chat where the skeleton did most of the talking while trying not to drink himself into unconsciousness. 

After the first few drifts, routines were quickly formed, and a few rules were set. 

The noise in their heads after a drift was too loud to keep adding to it, so they agreed first and foremost to keep conversations to a bare minimum. They would always hang out to calm down after practice, and they would always meet somewhere hidden and quiet to avoid background noises and unwanted social interactions. 

Another unspoken rule was set regarding the main issues each of them had to deal with in their day-to-day life, which only seemed to grow progressively exacerbated the more their training advanced. 

The elemental would regularly keep an eye on Gaster's drinking so that he didn't go overboard with it, and so the skeleton was free to drink more or less safely, but not nearly as much as he'd like. Gaster would berate him very often because of that. And Gaster wasn't exactly agreeable when he was drunk and getting his alcohol taken away from him. Grillby quickly discovered that some of his heaviest drinking sessions were right after a drift, so as much as he wanted nothing more than to calm down and collect his thoughts, the elemental would have to stay alert and be prepared to get into long arguments if needed. 

He didn't always succeed, of course. But at some point he got tired enough that he couldn't really care all that much when his efforts failed, so he didn't feel too guilty when the skeleton got a little  _ too _ drunk for his own good.

In exchange of that, Gaster would keep an eye on Grillby's mental state, checking on him as often as he could, which decidedly wasn't that often. The elemental was terrible at monitoring his own emotions, and time and time again he would fail to notice when he was getting too close to a nervous breakdown. Some of the checkups included questions that Grillby would find incredibly infuriating depending on his state of mind at the time, to the point of snapping and screaming curses at him and overall lashing out until he gave an actual answer. The skeleton was very cranky himself, having a hard enough time already ever since he was forced to cut down on his drinking, so in the end he figured he didn't actually have to check on Grillby all that much since the elemental appeared to be doing better than him anyway. Being yelled at only made him want to drink more, so he thought it would even be best to avoid the whole situation as much as he could. 

Gaster would also talk about what fighting in a jaeger would be like, since Grillby kept growing more anxious by the day and was coping poorly with it.

It basically boiled down to keeping Gaster just sober enough to function, and letting Grillby ask questions until the skeleton became too drunk to make much sense and had to be cut off; at least trying to do that, anyway. None were exactly happy with the agreement nor the way that it was carried out by the other, but when they managed to pull it off, it worked to both of their advantages, so they stuck by it. 

Gaster drank. Grillby worried. And days went by.


	13. Her name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say it's bad luck to sail on a ship with no name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, a little more upbeat than last one ^^'  
> But yeah, remember that tag I used that says 'gets a lot worse before it gets better'? Yyeeeeeaaahhhhhh... might be somewhat relevant soon... just to keep that in mind...

-LIKE, IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING THAT REPRESENTS THE BOTH OF YOU, RIGHT? SOMETHING WITH FIRE ON IT, BUT ALSO SKELETON-Y.

Sans shrugged.

-i wanted to call it 'ghost rider' to be honest, but no one else agreed, so.

-OOHHHH WHAT ABOUT 'FIRESKULL'? IT HAS BOTH THINGS!

-but arent jaeger names more codename-like? like something you would call a really shitty spy on a mission.

-LIKE... 'FLAMING TORNADO'!

-... theres literally no skeleton reference in that one, bro.

-IT COULD BE A TORNADO OF BONES!

- **wait,** i got it!  _ bonefire. _

-SANS I REFUSE TO LET THIS JAEGER BE NAMED AFTER A PUN.

-Wh-what about 'Hellstorm Subzero'?

Everyone in the room turned around to stare at her. Alphys blushed, frowning as she crossed her arms defensively.

- _ Wh-what? _ There's a-always some cool attack in anime that's n-named like that.

Grillby cleared his throat, not really knowing how to respond to the situation as a whole. 

-Yeah, not really a fan of storms, sorry.

-OH, RIGHT. FIRE AND STUFF.

Alphys huffed, looking away.

-W-well, it was worth a sh-shot.

Gaster hummed quietly. 

-Hm, it  _ did _ sound kinda cool. Something like Hellraiser, or Hellblaze.

-oh my god dad, thats  _ so _ over the top and i  **_love it._ **

The elemental was getting more disconcerted and uncomfortable by the second. 

-Yeah,  _ too _ over the top, don't you think, Gaster? Also why this obsession with cliche fire references? I had so many pun and hell-related nicknames in the army it's not even funny.

-AND A BIT OVERUSED, DON'T YOU THINK?

-Y-you say that as if the other j-jaegers have much more original n-names...

Grillby covered his face and huffed in frustration. She did have a point. 

-Well  _ yes, _ I mean they took random words that sounded cool and put them together, but they  _ do _ at least sound good. I won't be offended if there's no fire reference in the name; in fact,  _ please,  _ **_do_ ** **not** put a fire reference in the name.

-Then we're stuck with random words too. There's not many bone-related names that would work well. Or that most people could pronounce, anyway.

They all looked down at the floor intensely for a while, frowning in deep concentration. 

-W-well, I-I've got nothing.

Everyone sighed.

-Can we  _ please _ go for the randomly generated option?

-easy there, fire hazard, whats the hurry?

-Aaannd  _ another _ fire pun.  **Great.**

-AWW COME ON, GRILLBY! THIS IS THE NAME MOST PEOPLE WILL ASSOCIATE YOU WITH HERE IN THE BASE! YOU DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK WITH SOMETHING STUPID, RIGHT?

Gaster scoffed a poorly disguised laugh.

- _ Pfft, _ yeah, good luck with that. Last time I let  _ you two _ name my attacks I ended up with the infamous 'Gaster Blasters'. No one ever forgot about  _ that. _

Grillby snorted and started laughing out loud, when a sudden idea sparked in his head. He stopped abruptly and looked at the skeleton, who seemed to have a similar thought.

-'Blaster' doesn't actually sound too bad for a jaeger name though...

-Yeah, it would lend itself well to one of those weird mix-and-mash names... something like that fire hazard thing...?

There was a beat of silence before they simultaneously spoke, both struck by the same inspiration. 

-'Blaster Hazard'?

They smirked at one another, and the matter was immediately settled. 

Blaster Hazard. Not too obviously  _ out there, _ not too far-fetched. It was actually an incredibly accurate summary of their first meeting.

...

-So it's official then. 

-Uh huh.

-It's  _ really _ happening.

Grillby paced up and down the corridor. He burned incredibly high. He paced. Burned. Paced.

Gaster didn't even look up at him. His expression was vacant; his lack of energy was in stark contrast with the anxious sparks and wild wisps of fire that the elemental didn't have the presence of mind to control.

-Yup.

-We've been formally assigned our jaeger, we already named it. Anytime now, we'll be called in for duty.

Grillby couldn't stop the blabber that poured out of his mouth, in an attempt to rationalize his fears by stating his many nervous thoughts out loud. 

Gaster only nodded, devoid of emotion. He looked everything  _ but _ nervous. If anything, what his magic radiated was resigned dread.

-Woohoo. Can't wait.


	14. Stormy night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An awful night for everyone involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bittersweet, at least from my point of view.
> 
> As always, I have no idea how long this next chapter will take. It's the last one of the batch that needed to be thoroughly revisited, but after that the schedule will be consistent for a while. The same thing is happening right now with chapter 2 of Butterfly Effect, which is really frustrating because that thing has been rewritten so many times it's not even funny anymore :'D
> 
> Hope you're all doing well, and see you soon/whenever my writer's block for very specific chapters allows me to! <33

He wasn't having a good night. He  **definitely** hadn't had a good day either; getting beaten up during a particularly rough spar with Undyne and then enduring a long, nerve-wracking therapy session imposed on him due to his supposed 'anger issues' was not exactly what he considered to be a good time. Things could  _ hardly _ get any wors-

A sudden banging on his door startled him so much he literally jumped off his bed. Soul racing, and not really knowing how else to react, Grillby just scrambled to open the door and see what the hell was happening; he was met with an even more confusing situation. 

Gaster barged into his room  _ completely _ shitfaced,  **way** more than Grillby was used to seeing him, and kept stumbling over his own feet and laughing as he waved a bottle around and pushed past the bewildered elemental.

- _Gaster_ _what the_ **_FUCK-?!_**

The skeleton kept snickering, lifting his index finger up to his teeth and shushing him as he tried to stifle his giggles, magic hands signing messily. 

- _ Shhhhh, _ wa-wait, G-grillby, stay-  _ pffft, _ s-stay  _ q-quiet... _

He shooed him away with his hand as he tripped back to the door and closed it, bursting into a fit of laughter. Grillby could only stare with wide, disbelieving eyes.

-What the- the  **_fuck_ ** is going on?! What are you  **doing** here??

- **_Hiding,_ ** _ of course! _

The elemental blinked, confused and mildly terrified. Gaster, ignoring him, just brought the bottle up to his teeth and kept drinking and spilling its contents on himself as he kept swaying constantly, which only made him laugh louder. He tried to walk, but clearly couldn't, so Grillby had to catch him before he could fall unceremoniously to the floor.

In between giggles and hiccups, the skeleton managed to explain himself.

-The-the higher ups, they're g-getting  _ annoyed _ and want me to, t-to sober up and, and keep sending officers to s-surv- survei- surv _ ai- _ to  _ watch _ what I do, and it's so g-goddamn  _ annoying... _

He snorted a laugh with his mouth full, and started coughing as he attempted to swallow the liquor so he could keep drinking. Grillby lowered the bottle in his hand and held him firmly by the shoulders.

- _ And they're fucking  _ **_right_ ** _ to want you sober! _ We could be called in for duty  **anytime** now! Okay, you  _ listen to me. _ I want  **no part** in this, so get the  _ hell _ out of my room before somebody finds you here.

Gaster, oblivious, just kept signing while speaking in that screeching,  **unnatural** voice of his that sounded like the dying wails of some ungodly creature, and wobbled away from his grasp to hold himself upright against a wall. 

-'s  _ fine, _ candle, they won't know... c'mon, won't ya do your copilot a favor?

- _ Look, _ they already think badly of me, I  **can't** risk getting in trouble because of some stupid-  _ Gaster are you even  _ **_listening?!_ **

The skeleton busied himself inspecting a shelf close to him, almost tipping it over along with himself. Grillby grabbed his arm again and spun him around harshly.

- **_Gaster._ ** I  **can't** be found with alcohol in my room. Do you even  _ realize _ the amount of trouble I could-?!

-Ugh  **_fiiiine,_ ** alright ya don't have to  _ yell... _

To Grillby's growing horror, Gaster simply threw his head back and chugged the remaining  **half** of the  _ freaking bottle _ at an alarming speed.  **_In one go._ **

The skeleton took a few unsteady steps in place, making a face as his skull bobbed back and forth. He dropped the bottle, looking around in a haze; extending both arms, he tried to find some support until he eventually managed to find the wall again. His eyes were glossy and unfocused.

Gaster blinked rapidly, disoriented. He shook his head a few times, straightened his back, and ultimately bent in half while laughing maniacally.

- ** _WOOOOH!_** **W O A H.** _Ther',_ see? N-no m're... b-booze...

The elemental  _ bolted; _ he rushed to his side when Gaster swayed dangerously forward, making a sound like a hiccup mixed with a retch. 

- _ Don't you  _ **_dare_ ** _ throw up in my room. _

The skeleton slid to one side and was promptly caught by Grillby, who grabbed him by the shoulders to stabilize his footing. Gaster held blindly onto his sweatshirt, still laughing.

- _ C'mon, _ loos-  _ hic _ -loos'n up, c-candl', how'dya ev'n  **_s'rvive_ ** s-so lon-  _ hic _ - **long** w'thout d-drink'n ev'ry once 'n a while... 

His distorted speech was constantly interrupted by loud hiccups and giggles. Grillby already had enough.

- _ GET.  _ **_OUT._ **

Gaster met his eyes, and after a few seconds to fully process his words, he grew very quiet.

-... Ar'-ar' y' angry at m-me...?

His mouth started to tremble, and his sockets got suspiciously shiny.

_ Oh  _ **_fuck._ **

Grillby groaned under his breath. He  _ still _ couldn't believe what was going on in his  **very own room.**

_ What the fuck did I do to deserve this...? _

-No, I'm  _ not _ angry Gaster, but you really shouldn't-

- _ Y-y'  _ **_HATE_ ** _ me! _

The skeleton outright  **bawled,** bringing a hand to his face to sloppily rub at his eyes. Grillby started to panic.

-N-no,  _ hey, _ c-calm dow-

He froze when Gaster's face suddenly fell and his eye lights disappeared; his body stilled, a hand shooting up to hold his chest. A low, gurgling sound came from the bottom of his ribcage. 

-I-I dun' feel good...

Grillby covered his face and groaned, exasperated.

- **God,** Gaster,  _ of course _ you don't, you just downed an  _ entire  _ **_goddamn_ ** _ bottle! _

The skeleton swayed forward. His mouth was pressed into a tight line, in a strained expression of nausea. He leaned on the elemental and held weakly onto him, pressing his face on his chest. For a panicked split second Grillby thought he was going to throw up all over him.

- _ Nnnnnnng _ 'm tired...

-We'll go to your room, tell me where you _ nono _ **_waitDON'T-!_ **

Gaster let go of him and slid down the wall completely. He landed on his side, whining a little longer before he ultimately passed out then and there.

Grillby stared at him for a short moment, unmoving, before he bent in half screaming into his hands. 

He grabbed the skeleton's shirt without the slightest care and all but  _ dragged _ him to his bed. Meanwhile, Gaster snored as he slept like a log and was, to all ends and purposes, dead to the world.

The elemental dropped him on the mattress -of  _ his bed- _ and sharply tugged a blanket and his pillow out from under his drunken copilot.

Huffing in annoyance and glaring daggers at the skeleton one final time, he threw the blanket on the floor and flopped down over it. It wasn't like he'd never slept on the floor anyway; it reminded him of his days back at his camp. 

It was a horrible memory. He quickly tossed the thought away.

Gaster's snoring was really starting to get on his nerves, on top of  _ everything else, _ so he closed his eyes tightly and focused on something else. He became aware of his respiration, steadily controlling his breaths and slowly calming down. He went through his meditation routine, ridding his mind of thought. 

The rhythm of his own breaths filled his head, until he finally managed to fall asleep.

...

He woke up the next day feeling like absolute  _ garbage. _ He had no idea what the  **hell** he had done, but the hammering inside his head was relentless, and there was also that  **_damn_ ** _ light... _

Groaning, Gaster opened his eyes a smidge, and instantly regretted it. Everything was so goddamn  _ bright- _

-Sleep well?

His sockets flew open.

-I would certainly hope so, since it was  **_my_ ** _ bed _ you took to sleep it off, you know.

The skeleton became outright  **horrified,** and was immediately ten times more sober already.

-Wh-what the hell a-am I-?

-Doing here? No clue, and I really don't want to know anymore. I'm off to have breakfast, I'd appreciate it if you directed any substance you happen to throw up right into that bucket over there. Have a good one.

-Wh- n-no  **hey,** G-grillby  _ wait- _

It hit him the moment he moved to get up, and it hit him  **_hard._ ** Even before the elemental got to the door, he was already reaching for the bucket with desperation and barfing violently into it.

Grillby turned around with his hand over the handle and huffed, watching him with a pitying look in his eye as the skeleton clutched the bucket and kept vomiting all the alcohol from the night before. He hesitated.

-Do you need me to stay?

Gaster whimpered in between shaky breaths and choked coughing.

-... G-go away...

The elemental could swear he saw tears, right before Gaster buried his face into the bucket again to keep throwing up miserably. Grillby sighed sadly, but turned away and left nonetheless. 

There was no point in trying to help someone who didn't want any help. There was really nothing he could do, when he was so clearly instructed to stay out of it.


	15. Receding waters, pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going down memory lane isn't always good...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS IS TOOK SO LONG DD':
> 
> I had a REALLY hard time with this part for some reason, when I started posting the fic I kept postponing it until the very last moment. This is the first time in a while that I had to sit down and write an entire chapter from scratch, because my original idea got completely scrapped and it became this instead. I hope it has a decent enough length to make up for the lateness >.< kind of a downer though.
> 
> Originally this chapter and the next one (that I haven't started yet heeeeh...) were going to go together, but I had to split it into two because this first half was getting too long already. Unfortunately, another chapter started from scratch means another indeterminate wait.
> 
> Anyway, some backstory! I'm really happy with how this turned out. I hope it was worth the wait ^^'' Til the next chapter! <33

* * *

**Drawback** /ˈdrɔːˌbæk/

  1. A hindrance or disadvantage; something that detracts or takes away.
  2. An undesirable or objectionable feature of something that makes it less useful than it could be.
  3. The withdrawal of water from the shoreline following or preceding a tsunami.



* * *

Since his heightened anxiety was making him rage much more often than ever, Grillby opted to spend most of his time (as much as he could afford to, rather) isolated. It was both a good thing and a bad thing: it was good, because he got into much less trouble and didn't have to waste his energy quarreling with people about disputes he himself had likely started in the first place. But at the same time, it almost felt like he was back in that horrible cell all over again.

It hadn't even been his fault, he liked to believe. Being an ex soldier himself, that stupid human should have known better than trying to fuck with a _fire_ monster of all types, and **least of all** catching him off guard. Fucking idiot. 

Isolation in this base didn't necessarily involve staying inside though, so in an effort to avoid thinking back to that tiny, claustrophobic metal cage that the humans claimed was an innocent 'temporary containment room', he would walk aimlessly around the open areas to pass the time. But not thinking about his imprisonment didn't mean he got to avoid thinking of other painful things...

_-Ember, Ember!_

_-Yes, sweetheart?_

_The small fire frowned, crossing his arms and letting out a small puff of smoke from his mouth._

_-Stop calling me 'sweetheart' like I'm a child, I'm_ **_ten_ ** _already!_

_Ember put down the shirt and the metal plate she was ironing it with, and only crackled a soft laugh._

_-You're my baby brother, Grillby, you will always be a sweetheart to me._

_He huffed loudly again, tinted blues and magentas with embarrassment and looking away._

_-Forget it, I won't tell you!_

_-Come on, really? But I'm so curious now! Oh well, I guess I will have to go back to ironing then._

_The second she turned around to resume her chore, Grillby started to giggle. His previous offended posture was immediately forgotten, as he started jumping up and down in excitement._

_-Okay, okay, I'll tell you! Come outside! I want to show you something important!_

_Her smile only widened._

_-Important? Sounds mysterious._

_The house that their family lived in had a decently sized backyard, with lots of greenery but also a large portion of stone floor. Their siblings used it to practice bullet patterns and spar, but once or twice an accident would occur and a chunk of grass would be burned off, as the patches of bare ground nearby showed. Ember stood by the wall of the house, leaning her back on it and casually crossing her arms._

_-Well? What is this mysterious secret about?_

_Grillby burned higher and snickered, poorly trying to disguise his impatience as he ran a few meters away._

_-Alright! Let me get ready first._

_He took a deep, nervous breath and turned his back to her, still giggling. Ember tilted her head with curiosity._

_His flames slowly started to calm down into a more controlled and steady fire as he focused, fluctuating in unison until every single spark was melded together. They flickered rhythmically in perfect sync; his magic seeped into the air in heat waves. With deep concentration in his face, eyes closed, he turned around again, and breathed in._

_Suddenly a large blaze erupted from the ground, startling his sister; the amorphous fire quickly took shape and compressed into many bullets. Grillby focused his will into the fireballs, making them dance around until they eventually faded after a little while when the small elemental started panting with exhaustion._

_The display was short, since Grillby didn't have full control of his magic yet; the pattern was simple, as expected from something a child would come up with on his own, and the bullets lacked stability and balance due to a lack of skills such as the fine control of his magic. But the little fire was burning proudly at his older sister, because he had just beaten all of their siblings. He had conjured a full pattern at a younger age than any of them, closely followed by Wisp, who had managed her very first one at eleven._

_Sparking out a loud, elated laugh, Ember ran to him with a huge smile and lifted him up in her arms, hugging him tightly and kissing him all over the flames of his head._

_-Ember, stop!_

_He wanted to sound annoyed, but he couldn't stop giggling. His sister nuzzled his forehead with her own._

_-I'm so proud of you, sweetheart._

_-_ **_Ember!_ **

As he grew up, all their family got enlisted in the army. Only Ashley went willingly; she was the first one to leave. The rest had no choice. 

When the war got bad enough that monsters were getting dusted left and right, the obligatory enrollment began. So as each of them came of age, they left the house one by one until they were only him and Ember left. In a few cases, since some of their dust-related siblings shared the same age as their step-siblings, more than one would leave at a time. Ember had managed to escape the enrollment out of sheer luck, simply because chance had it that she had gotten pregnant around that time. She saw each of them off with tears in her eyes every single time one had to leave.

Ember was the oldest, having singlehandedly raised them all on her own. She was sixteen years older than him, and to Grillby, she had always been the closest to a mother he had ever had...

_He found her crying over the kitchen table one morning._

_-Ember...?_

_She looked up at him burning low in anguish, holding her mouth as her whole fire trembled._

_-W-Wisp... W-Wisp was... sh-she..._

_Grillby ran to her side, growing even more anxious as she kept dimming and her sobs eventually choked her so much that she couldn't speak. When he touched her shoulder, she surprised him into a tight hug, holding him to her chest with all her might. Stunned, he could only hug her back, nestled in the crook of her neck as she sobbed and obsessively ran her hand through the fire of his head. He managed to get a glimpse of the table and the papers on it._

_The open letter was slightly singed at the edges, likely from Ember's unstable hands, but the king's emblem was clearly visible on the top, and he managed to read the first lines before his sight became clouded with tears._

_'We regret to inform you that Wisp Flarson, soldier of the King's army, fell in honorable battle, fighting courageously for th-"_

_She brought him closer when his grip tightened and he started bawling; she unconsciously started to rock him back and forth, soothing, as if trying to protect him from the world around them._

_Wisp was the fifth of them to fall. They still had no news from the few others that were left._

_Grillby knew exactly what was on Ember's mind, because the exact same thing was on his. Only a few months from then, he would turn fifteen. And the army's obligatory enrollment policy kept lowering its age requirement more and more..._

He let out a short scream and punched a wall with an angry flare of his fire. Some people nearby jumped, startled, and quickly ran away. 

Panting breathlessly, Grillby rested his forehead on the wall with his head hung low. He closed his eyes, trying to regain some presence of mind; his hands were curled into tight fists in an attempt to reel in his urge to keep screaming and punching the wall until only the bare bricks remained. He was so furious he wanted to cry. 

Why was he so angry lately? Why was he in a constant rage, when hardly anything around him would justify it?

 _Yeah,_ **_hardly_ ** _anything,_ he thought with spite, _only throwing myself head-first into a mission I have no_ **_fucking_ ** _clue how to execute, only having to fulfill everyone's expectations doing something I have_ **_zero_ ** _fucking experience with. It's_ **_totally_ ** _not like thousands of people depend on our success at surviving the fucking kaijus that will rip me to_ **_shreds_ ** _when I fight alongside that_ **_FUCKING_ ** _drunken_ **_asshole_ ** _I call a copilot-_

His eyes snapped wide open with a full-body shudder as his train of thought halted abruptly. He stood very, very still.

 _What is_ **_wrong_ ** _with me...?_

His fists tensed even more, as he hit his forehead repeatedly against the wall in front of him.

 _Why are you like this? He's been nothing but kind to you and dealt with your stupid tantrums and yet you_ **_still-_ **

He slid down until he was sitting on the floor, running a hand through the flames of his head and down his face.

He was an absolute _disaster_ and he knew it. And he was alone. There was no one he could talk to, no one's company he wanted. Gaster was automatically discarded; the way he had glared and yelled back when the elemental snapped at him earlier that day made it clear that the skeleton wanted nothing to do with him at the moment. He could do nothing, other than sit alone and think.

He thought of his siblings, his niece. Fuku must have surely grown a lot by the time the peace treaty was signed. How bright must her emerald flames have burned as a grown woman, which was a hilarious notion to him when he remembered her as a toddler running around the house setting chairs on fire. He remembered just how much he had been looking forward to getting out of that godawful prison and greeting her and his sister after such a long time apart, after the war finally ended and they would finally, _finally_ be allowed to live their lives in peace...

But no one was there to greet him at the door.

The wall cracked under his fist. He may have broken a finger or two, he didn't care. He let his arm fall carelessly to the floor, facing the wall with a blank expression, with his forehead pressed against the cold surface and all energy completely drained from him.

  
  


...

  
  


The rooftop was always a good place to spend time and do nothing. Good enough at least. Virtually no one went there, and hiding was easy whenever someone did appear. And no one knew he was there.

Well, no one that would want to put up with him anyway.

Gaster was lying on his back on the concrete floor, looking at the sky above him. An empty bottle sat by his side. A full one rested a bit farther, just within his reach.

His mind was blank, and he was set on keeping it that way. He had just finished what little remained of the now empty bottle, filling his self-imposed quota for the day, but it still felt like too little. It wasn't enough, not nearly enough. And he _really_ didn't need another reason to say 'screw it' and open the other one. 

Grillby was right; drinking wasn't a smart thing to do now that he was officially a pilot again. Grillby deserved better; failing a mission wouldn't only drag _him_ down, but the elemental as well. Grillby deserved better than having to babysit an adult idiot to keep him sober for both of their sakes. 

He had promised Undyne at the very beginning that he could perfectly go by drinking only enough not to go into withdrawal, but setting foot on the base again proved to be much harder than he thought. He just couldn't do it. Trying to talk himself out of it was out of the question; in ten years' time it had never worked even _once,_ and there was no chance of a sudden miracle happening that would somehow make it work now. Telling himself to get distracted with something else, to hang on just a little longer until his next drink, to do it for his **sons** if not for himself, nothing ever worked. 

His sons. Seeing them had been a true blessing; the happiness he felt the moment when he held them in his arms again after so long was the most intense emotion his messed-up soul had felt in over a full decade. He felt _alive,_ he felt he could take on anything and everything... and then it faded away. 

He turned his head to stare at the unopened bottle.

At first his life had seemed to be finally getting back on track after such a long time of struggling just to get by. He got actual prosthesis to walk properly for the first time since the fall. He had warm food and a warm bed to sleep in on a regular basis. He got to see his sons happy, smiling, thriving in life... 

He felt nothing. It ultimately had no effect on his ever dwindling will not to give up altogether-

He shivered, and forced the unwanted, intrusive train of thought to stop and take a sharp turn away from the topic.

Eighteenth reason to open the bottle. Still only four not to. 

His mind kept taking him places he didn't want it to. Trying to keep himself from thinking about the current situation only made his head spin, bringing up old memories he had long since forgotten...

_-wing dings, baby, what is it?_

_He laughed along with her shy snickers, bringing her closer in his arms to kiss her cheekbone._

_-You're so beautiful._

_She playfully shoved him away, giggling, but he ignored it and kept kissing various parts of her face. He did mean what he said, with loving adoration behind every word; her faint yellow blush was the prettiest color he had ever seen, and the way that her curvy font was laced with small leaves reminded him of delicate vines. The sweet lowercase letters were very similar to the font's more serious uppercase, but so completely different at the same time. People barely noticed the difference; she was always so softly spoken that even when she got angry, the shift was so subtle that it got lost on others. But he always saw it. And every form of her font was absolutely beautiful._

_-come on wing dings, seriously, we were supposed to be studying._

_-My mom won't care._

_-well_ **_I_ ** _care. and I would actually want to graduate now that I still can._

_He snickered giddily as he kissed her again._

_-I know. I will graduate too, so I can find a job and move out with you! Then we can start saving so you can go to college._

_She giggled._

_-don't you mean 'so_ **_they_ ** _can go to college'?_

_Dauphine turned her skull to meet his eyes, and leaned in to kiss his mouth. He buried his face in her shoulder, smiling as he ran a hand over her stomach._

_-Yeah, that's what I said._

_Her hand went to rest over his, caressing the growing bump in her belly. She held his head close._

_-it's only a couple of months now. and if we_ **_don't_ ** _study, the extra worry from the exams won't be good for the babies, so bring out your damn calculus notebook and help me with our homework-!_

He shuddered, and closed his eyes with a sharp intake of air.

Nineteenth reason to open the bottle.

He didn't want to think, he didn't want any of it. He didn't want to think of her, the way she made him feel so hopeful looking forward to a future together, her teary laughter when she told him she was expecting...

_... the way she cried when she sneaked out of her house to tell him that her parents would make her leave the city..._

Her family had quickly run away from the approaching human army, forcing her to leave him behind right before the siege and dragging her along with them against her wishes to stay. Had she not escaped just in time to warn him, he would have never known; she wasn't even allowed to say goodbye-

_The babies were crying in their crib as she rocked it and tried to calm them down through her own tears. She sobbed hopelessly in his arms, paranoid of every noise from the outside. She was desperate to stay with them as long as she could before her parents or their hired chasers found her. They always found her._

_She cried because they wouldn't let him go with them, because no matter how much she pleaded and begged they wouldn't even let her take the babies with her..._

_-H-how can they_ **_NOT_ ** _take them?! They_ **_CAN'T_ ** _stay here, th-they need to_ **_LEAVE!_ ** _I can't keep them, I c-can't k-keep them s-_ **_safe..._ **

_He paced around the room in a panic, heaving broken screams and shallow breaths that barely allowed him to talk._

_She slid down to the floor, rocking their children in her arms and holding them close to her chest. She looked up at him in grief and raw_ **_terror._ **

_-run away. f-follow us, my family has connections with human merchants around the city and they will let us pass, i-if you tell them they're my babies they will surely-!_

_-... k-kill the three of us..._

_His eyes were haunted when he fell down beside her, pressing himself as close as he could to her._

_-Your family hates me, they clearly don't want their connections to let me tag along. And if_ **_they_ ** _don't care for our children, why would the humans?_

_Her desperate sobs became wails._

_-th-they_ **_can't_ ** _kill them, th-they're_ **_BABIES_ ** _for god's sake! h-humans can't be s-so s-soulless..._

_Dauphine hid her face in his chest, and as he gently rested his mouth on the top of her skull, he brought his arms around hers so they could both hold their babies together. He tried to take in as much of that closeness as he could, before it got ripped away from him._

_-They burned down an entire city only a few days ago. There were no prisoners, no refugees-_

He tore the cork out with his teeth and started chugging the bottle's contents, until the burning in his chest became too unbearable and forced him to stop with a dry cough.

How would she react, if she saw him now? Would she be ashamed, bashful? Would she feel pity, or outright disgust? How would she react upon seeing the monster she had once hoped to marry all those years ago, and seeing the utter _disaster_ that had become of him? Would she even be able to recognize him...?

Gaster raised his arm again, and drank. Then he drank again, and again, taking longer and more desperate gulps each time that didn't stop until the bottle was fully vertical and had no more liquor in it. 

His arm fell like a limp piece of rope in front of him, bottle hitting the ground with a loud _clink._ His eyes remained vacant as his head slowly slid back down to a normal position, before he let himself fall backwards to lie down on the floor again. 

He was vaguely aware of what had just happened, and _just_ aware enough to grasp that he had completely failed to do the one thing he was supposed to do. He knew well enough that it would still be useless to chase the memories away, and there was nothing he could do to stop them, but at least he was numb now...

_Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic._

The images kept flashing in front of his glossy eyes again and again as he cried, but he was numb now. At long last he had some few precious hours where he could finally stop thinking and just feel **numb.**


	16. Receding waters, pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the tides keep going back, and back, and back...

_ "Yeah, I seen it alright. Ya know what they say, the tides go back into the sea before they hit shore, and I'm here to tell ya, 's all true. Only a few minutes you got, after the earthquake's done and the waters start to draw back. Never seen one on land, but I seen one from the sea. Lucky we were well away; I saw ships and ferries of all sizes swept up in the wave and be smashed into the buildings when it hit. At landing the whole city was gone. Fresh bodies floating all over the harbor, massive trees pulled out by the roots and dragged into the sea. A sight of nightmares." _

-An old sailor's tale recounting a tsunami that struck in Alaska, year unknown.

* * *

At some point he realized that he would have to move eventually. The drowsiness and the warmth from the booze plus the apathy in general made him want to stay still in his small hideout and just sleep. His face felt hot despite the wind, but he vaguely noticed that his chest and the rest of his body were steadily getting colder. Maybe more alcohol would help? He tried to recall where exactly his nearest stash was hidden, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't remember for the life of him. He nodded off a few times. 

Something told him that he should be worried about feeling so cold. Even through the stupor, there was an urgent voice in his head telling him that  _ he had to  _ **_leave RIGHT NOW-_ **

After a while he finally managed to gather enough willpower to move; he didn't hate himself enough to let himself freeze any longer. He would have found that thought odd and somewhat hilarious, had he been able to think straight.

With almost literal ice on his clothes, cold chilling him to the bone, Gaster dragged himself to the elevator and barely managed to crawl into his room after his two attempts at teleporting failed. He didn't even reach his bed; he just collapsed on the floor, and stayed there. 

The cold was starting to fully register in his body, and it made him feel completely numb. At least he thought it was the cold. And the booze.  _ Definitely _ the booze. That nagging little voice in his head told him it probably wasn't. 

It was easy to ignore; the constant haze his mind was in always drowned it out pretty quickly. So the only thing he could do was curl into a small ball as the only way he had to try and mitigate that feeling. And that was how Sans and Papyrus found him later. 

The door had been left wide open. He couldn't even reach his bed; how the hell would he even be bothered to close the door?

His labored breaths sounded all the louder in the silence that stretched on, which had suddenly turned much heavier. His bones rattled (it was just the cold, right? It was the cold, they would surely understand that).

-... dad.

No answer. 

His face was hidden behind his arms, eye sockets screwed shut. It made perfect sense, he was freezing and his sleeves would make him feel warmer.

Papyrus crouched and held out his hand, reaching out for him. Gaster just flinched and shrunk away. 

_ Of course he would try to warm up like this curling in on oneself is the best way to keep warm, if he just kept hugging his knees closer to his chest he would surely feel better right...? _

-DAD PLEASE. 

Still no answer. 

Sans sighed. He didn't crouch or attempt to reach out at all; he only looked down at his feet, hands curling and uncurling into fists at his sides, until he could finally turn his eyes to the miserable skeleton in front of him with a vacant expression. He seemed to be searching for the right words to properly speak his mind, and came up blank for a good while.

-look, its  _ hard, _ okay? we dont get it, we will  **never** get what its like to be in your shoes but we  _ do _ understand that its hard. but you also have to understand how hard it is for  **_us_ ** every time we have to see you like this.

Silence. More rattling. 

_ The cold. It was just the cold, he wouldn't be shaking otherwise. He wasn't going into withdrawal, he specifically made sure he would  _ **_never_ ** _ go into withdrawal it was  _ **_just the cold..._ **

-YOU CAN'T KEEP DRINKING LIKE THIS, DAD. THIS IS BEYOND PILOTING AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU GET KICKED OUT OF THE BASE. YOU JUST NEVER SEEM TO CARE ABOUT CONSEQUENCES. YOU  _ HAVE _ TO STOP DOING THIS. IT  **HURTS.**

Papyrus looked away. Everything felt far, far away.

_ When had he started crying...? _

-... s-sorry...

_ Was that really his voice? It sounded so... frail. Small...  _ **_pathetic._ **

-DAD?

He didn't know how long he spent silent, but it felt like an eternity. A dark, terrifying eternity. So he did the only thing he could ever seem to manage to do.

Nothing. 

The only noises were the rattling of bone against concrete and a few intermittent sobs-

_... he wasn't crying he  _ **_wasn't_ ** _ crying his eyes only got teary because he was surely starting to warm up his nose was runny because of the cold  _ **_why couldn't they see that he was JUST COLD...?_ **

The two skeletons by the door stood there for a while, waiting for something to happen. A reply, a movement, anything. 

Nothing did. The silence became unbearable, so much so that Sans eventually turned around and left. Neither brother had anything else to say anyway.

Papyrus sighed, staring down at the floor directly in front of him. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no words came out. He eventually walked up to the bed, taking its thick cover to gently lay it over his father. Then he turned around and left too.

Gaster could only keep still through all of it. Their stares on him and their disenchanted magic hanging thick in the air hurt more than any other argument they ever had. 

He wished with all his soul to pass out quickly so that the cold in his chest would go away. He curled up tighter under the cover when it only got worse.

...

The wait was terrible; it was the worst part of it all.

When he entered the program he knew what he was signing up for; to live constantly on edge in case of a kaiju attack. But never having fought one before made the wait even worse. It felt like waiting in line to enter the slaughterhouse.

Grillby made a point of being active all hours of the day; training, magic practice,  _ hell _ even solving crossword puzzles if it meant he could keep his mind busy at all times. A few punchbags were seriously damaged within a couple of days, and he had eventually gotten banned from the gym after one week because a) exercising too much would be detrimental to his health and b) they couldn't really afford to keep replacing equipment so often.

Any dead time Grillby spent mostly pacing. He moved around from sector to sector of the base offering help for whatever was needed; the production line and the maintenance crew greatly appreciated his ability to manipulate metal, especially the ones tasked with fixing the holes on the walls that had mysteriously started appearing all over the place.

The smallest of noises was enough to make him jumpy and paranoid. Evacuation and fire drill sirens nearly drove him over the edge  _ sirens of alert sirens to take cover the sirens she heard in the shelter the sirens as the kaiju broke in alarms going off- _

He nearly screamed when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

Out of breath, he turned around sharply, only to find Undyne with her arm extended to him. He sighed deeply in relief, panting and running a hand down his face, trying to calm his fire back down.

Undyne eyed him with an indescribable expression on her face. Her voice was uncharacteristically quiet when she spoke.

-It's been a long time since the last kaiju appeared. You better get ready, sergeant, your time to shine may very well be sooner rather than later.

He was ordered to go back to his room and get some sleep. He hadn't realized, but he'd apparently been awake and going for the best part of twenty eight hours. No wonder he was so agitated; the lack of sleep had made him twitchy and nearly delusional at some point. 

He had compulsively cleaned and organized every single object in his room at least twice before he could finally lie down in bed for more than a few minutes straight. His hands were shaking when he pulled the covers over himself, and once he took some deep breaths he finally managed to calm down enough to realize just how incredibly unhealthy his state was. He had chastised Gaster so much for his poor way of coping, and yet there he was, having the exact same issue. The skeleton hadn't been wrong after all; he seemed to understand Grillby better than the elemental himself.

As his mind  _ finally _ started to slow down and wander before falling asleep, Grillby thought briefly about Gaster. For how perceptive he was, the skeleton sure had trouble spotting his own flaws, or at least working on them. But luckily that seemed to be changing; despite the fact that the skeleton had never been  _ actually _ wasted during their drifts, it had been a considerable amount of time since he had last seen Gaster drunk. Buzzed? Sure, a bunch of times here and there. But full-out drunk? Not once. The elemental didn't feel even remotely under the influence during most of their daily drift practices, and he hadn’t for weeks, aside from that one last hangover some time ago. It relieved him to no end. Despite his growing anxiety, that felt like a huge weight lifted from his chest.

He felt something nasty curling in his stomach. Their drifts had always been fully operational, but lately the skeleton's mind seemed to be under lock and key. They connected just fine to control the jaeger, their focus and movements and reflexes were perfectly coordinated, but he had absolutely no access to the skeleton's deeper psyche; anything under the shallow level of his conscious mind was virtually unreachable…

But sometimes there would be slip ups.

Grillby passed out feeling even more restless.

...

Soul traits in general had always been funny little things. In humans, they were mighty important, enough to determine the very color of their soul. They also made them strong. The intensity of their predominant trait made it so most monsters couldn't drift with humans; few were strong enough to withstand such a link. But in monsters, traits played an even larger role. Traits could define their magic, their magic's type, the way they used and  _ lived _ it. And, since magic was a monster's essence itself, they influenced great part of the monster's personality as well.

People could get very surprised upon learning someone's soul trait. No one ever expected Grillby's soul to be  _ patience _ of all traits. Not everyone even believed him. And is he were to be completely honest with himself, not even  _ he _ could, at times. But as unlikely as it seemed, it was the truth.

People would often ask him and then laugh, thinking at first that he was joking. Everyone stopped asking after a few months. 

Given how rash and hotheaded (pun intended) Grillby could be, one would expect bravery or maybe even justice, if his sense of it involved taking reckless action. But Grillby was a very different person then than he had been growing up. Patience unfortunately wasn't the best tool to have in order to deal with the things he had to deal with, or at least that's what he would often think. 

How much he had wished for his soul to be bravery, to be able to charge into battle as many times as he had been forced to do with at least a little less dread. To be justice, so he would feel compelled to fight for what's right, to feel that it was at least worth it to fight for ideals he wished he had but didn't. To be literally anything else that would have given him a sense of reason, some semblance of meaning to his life after the war. But then again, he would also often fail to give his trait its due credit. Patience, after all, was the sole reason he hadn't gone fully insane over the years.

Patience had meaning before. Patience was waiting for his parents to return, and even when they never did, it gave him peace of mind during the wait itself. Whether they never came back because of the humans or because of their own volition, it was patience that allowed him to keep moving forward, even in the face of his family's hopelessness. 

Patience was waiting for his siblings to send letters from the front, waiting for the black envelopes with red wax seals and the kingdom's emblem after a long silence without any letters. Patience was the sense of calm in the face of despair, endurance throughout the hard times in knowing that even the worst of things would eventually come to an end if you waited enough. 

But he wasn't patience anymore. And he hadn't been for a long time.

He was overly aware of it, and he would  _ still _ find himself unable to accept it. He surely  _ couldn't _ have lost his own trait, his soul just  **couldn't** lack what gave it its very identity... 

... right?

Likewise, the few people that found out what Gaster's soul trait was had trouble believing it too, maybe even more than they did believing Grillby's. This was mostly because people only knew the Gaster that had come back to the base a few mere months ago, and in all honesty, the Gaster that came back looked the very opposite of his own trait. Perseverance had been a must in the life he led; he had certainly needed lots of it in order to survive and raise two infants no less, with no livelihood and virtually no resources at all. And he had needed even more to get into the jaeger program, despite his poor health and overall wretched state at the time. But that had been decades ago. These days, the skeleton just didn't seem to have anything worth doing anything anymore.

His children didn't need him. They hadn't needed him in years. 

Without his boys to take care of, those ten years alone had been completely devoid of direction, devoid of purpose. Where Grillby had chosen other paths to follow, however unstable, Gaster just couldn't. He had long since lost the drive to keep going forward, long before even returning to the base.

For the longest time, ever since being washed up on that remote shore, barely alive and breathing, he had nothing. Some people of the town would pity him, give him food every once in a while, maybe even a warm blanket if they could spare it to give him some cover from the freezing temperatures. But people were poor there, and they didn't have much to share. He didn't resent them for that; he knew that need all to well, the need to provide for a family when you have nothing.

For whatever reason, he didn't freeze to death. And he was too damn resilient to starve to death, to his grievance. It wasn't until he was approached one night by another homeless man in his same situation, offering to share with him what little liquor he had to fend off the cold, that he realized just how utterly  _ miserable _ he was. That heat in his chest, that warm buzzing in his head that helped him calm his thoughts down and forget his misery for a while... it was the first time he felt something  **good** ever since the fall. It made him feel better,  **_so_ ** _ much better, _ and it made everything suddenly feel  **bearable.** Then that thought popped up in his head, and would never leave him since. 

_ What's even the  _ **_point_ ** _ anymore? _

Nowadays he could do little more than merely exist, drinking to fill the empty hours of the day, and only because he knew that the alternative would upset his children more. Quite often he would regret that he hadn't gone with the alternative much earlier, when he first thought of it and no one knew he was still alive after the fall. But he hadn't expected to survive for as long as he did; he had actually hoped against it. He bitterly resented his trait for that.

Patience had become irritation and paranoia. Perseverance had given up.

  
  


...

After weeks of distance, Grillby finally decided that enough was enough. 

He started walking around the base, burning bright as he marched through the corridors with firm resolve in his soul, only to stumble across the person he was looking for and almost tripping on him with a startled yelp.

Gaster was sitting in a corner of a hallway that was less busy than most, one knee up to his chest with an arm thrown over it, just staring ahead. He didn't react to the elemental's presence, or look up at him when he stuttered an apology.

Grillby coughed, embarrassed. He hadn’t expected to run into him so quickly, which left him feeling somewhat awkward.

-So...

It had been a long time since their last real interaction. The elemental struggled to find words just to break the ice and end the silence that started to stretch on, and that his copilot seemed to be set on keeping.

-So, I see you haven't... been… drinking, as… much, as-

-What of it?

Gaster snapped a sharp retort, cutting him off with spite. His glare remained fixed somewhere on the opposite wall; he didn’t turn to acknowledge him, and looked like he almost didn't want to sign over his clipped words. 

Sleep-deprived, with deep, dark bags under his eye sockets, he looked completely miserable.

Grillby was taken aback, stuttering a quick reply.

-W-well, I... I-I just thought that... p-perhaps, we could, maybe… talk? Like before, just, aside from drift practice and just- th-that is-

Gaster gave him a sideways glance. Then went right back to ignoring him. The elemental coughed again.

-W-well, since you're not- I mean th-that's great! That- n-now that you don't, a-anymore, and- I-I mean I-

- **_Get on with it,_ ** will you?!  **WHAT?!**

Grillby sparked, going stiff, and looked away. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, nervous, hunching his shoulders and burning low with insecurity.

-I- w-well, that's- t-trying to say that, that it's a... good thing. Th-that's all I meant.

He went silent after that, fidgeting, and still unsure of what to do.

Gaster sighed. 

His voice was tired when he spoke again.

-Come on, sit down.

Very awkwardly, the elemental went closer to sit with his back against the wall, out of the way of the people walking by, but still keeping some careful distance. Like he was still afraid that the skeleton would snap at him again at any moment. Whether Gaster didn't notice or decided to ignore it, the skeleton didn't let it show.

-There's been quite a few vandalized corridors lately all over the place. It's all kind of a mystery, no one will come forward to say anything. It's pretty obvious that  _ someone _ must have seen something, but everyone seems a little scared to talk.

He looked up at the bashed in spot in the wall closest to him with an amused hum. He then turned to face the elemental with a softer look in his eyes, giving him a small smirk.

-You wouldn't happen to know about that, right?

Grillby just kept coughing into his fist, burning a few shades brighter in embarrassment as he turned his face away. Gaster snickered quietly.

-Yeah, that's what I thought. Those damn troublemakers, destroying army property.

A short, companionable silence followed, after sharing a few laughs and just resting.

Grillby closed his eyes, sighing. Starting light conversation wasn’t the only reason why he had wanted to find him. 

-I know how hypocritical this is and that by now it's a really stupid question, but... how are you, Gaster?

The skeleton’s smile fell. He looked up, away from the elemental's gaze.

-I'm alright. Nothing to worry about.

-I  _ know _ you haven't been well lately.

Gaster scoffed a scorning laugh.

-Why ask then, if you seem to know the answer already?

-Look, don’t get me wrong, you’ve been mostly sober for a few weeks now and I'm  _ really _ glad that you stopped drinking all the time, but you can’t just-

-Who says I stopped?

Grillby’s whole fire stilled.

The skeleton kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

-... Wh-why?  _ How? _

He didn't answer. His face was blank, indescribable even.

-Gaster, this is  _ not _ alright. You're clearly not fine.

-Why are you so worried about me anyway, candle? You should be focusing more on yourself. As far as I know, punching holes into walls doesn't constitute being 'fine' either.

Grillby stared down at his lap, rubbing his arm.

-Gaster, I... the things I'm seeing in the drift lately...

-Are mine to deal with. Don't waste your time on that. You never gave yourself a break to even mourn properly. Make your peace; you will feel calmer. Less angry.

His eyes were vacant.

-Better.

Silence.

Grillby kept his gaze low, but quickly looked up in surprise when he heard a clinking noise as Gaster fumbled with his coat. He looked up just in time to see the skeleton get a flask out of an inner pocket of his jacket and take a quick swig from it. The elemental jumped, burning higher.

- _ Wh-what are y-?! _

-You really can't expect me to stop altogether and just be  _ fine _ afterwards, can you?

- _ You're  _ **_not_ ** _ fine!! _ Why would-?! You'll get  **killed!!**

Gaster said nothing. The elemental was barely short of pleading.

-Don't... Don't do this. Please don't-

-Stop it, will you? Just  _ stop. _ It's bad enough to hear it from them already, I don't need to hear it from you too.

He didn't even sound angry. He just sounded tired.

-Then why keep doing it?

The skeleton scoffed a short, bitter laugh, bringing the flask to his teeth again with a self-deprecating smile.

-Trust me, I hate it as much as the next guy. I'd rather go back to selling my dust in Russia than being here like this. Heh. Ironically enough, I sold it in exchange for booze. Go figure.

… Silence. Long, long silence.

-Y-you... y-you kept... s-selling...

-Legs kept dusting for years, what, was I supposed to let that go to waste as well? Make do with what you've got, right?

Gaster didn't bother to look at him, like he didn't bother to hide the fact that he was drinking in the middle of the day to anyone who happened to walk by. He was just too apathetic to care.

None of them moved for a while, aside from the skeleton raising his flask to drink every once in a while.

Grillby gave him a sideways look, voice quiet.

-... So... care to talk?

-What about?

-I don't know, whatever. Wanna vent about anything in particular?

Gaster snickered with amusement, smiling weakly. It was a clear effort to do so.

-Sure, why not.

-What's on your mind then?

They both stayed quiet for another while. 

The silence was heavy, but not necessarily uncomfortable. It was more like it was the weight of their thoughts that made the air feel thicker around them. Gaster sighed.

-You know... Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I did with my life to get here.

The elemental scoffed a quick, quiet laugh. A small and empathetic smile appeared on his fire.

-Don’t we all.

-Things used to be so different before...

Gaster's gaze became distant. He hummed.

-High school sweethearts, you know? 

Grillby hummed back in acknowledgement, glancing at him with surprise. The skeleton scoffed a weak laugh of his own, that tired smile back on his face.

-Yeah, I know, too stupid and  _ way _ too young for kids. And yet we were so excited. Love lasts forever and ever...

Silence. A swig from the flask.

-See I don't even  _ care _ that they made her leave me. Don't even care that they didn't want to raise them, they could've just dropped them off on their way out with someone else. Only thing I'll never forgive is how the bastards refused to get them out of the city when they  _ knew _ I never could. Left them behind to  _ die. _

… Silence. 

-My sister died in the Sydney kaiju attack, you know.

Gaster slightly turned his head towards him, raising his brow bones, but didn’t comment. Grillby was looking at the ceiling.

-She was on her way to meet with me, back when I was about to be released from prison. My niece was with her too. They traveled all the way there, just about to reach New Zealand...

His eyes were vacant, emotionless.

-They traveled the world to get to me, only to die in a foreign country with no one to spread their dust, or even try to search for it in the debris. All because of me.

A short pause. Dimming fire.

-I'm really sorry...

Grillby nodded. He then turned towards him with a faint smile.

-But then again, you already knew that, didn’t you.

-Not really, no.

The elemental's eyes widened a little, giving him a surprised, quizzical look.

-I only saw a few memories from when you were told, and I heard some thoughts. But they were always too fast and blurry to make much out of them. I only got a vague idea of what happened, mostly because of the things you imagined, and the strong feelings attached to them.

-Huh.

-It’s weird, you know.

Gaster's eyes went back to the punched hole in the wall. 

-In a way, it all feels like this already happened before. Deja vu, they say. 

-What do you mean?

-I only got into this damn program for my kids in the first place, and now I'm back in a second time for the same reason. It's almost like my last time here is repeating itself all over. And now we're waiting for a mission...

Grillby barely suppressed a shiver. They didn’t speak after that, immersed in thought, and sharing a very bad feeling in their souls. 

There was tension in the air; it had been there for a long time, lingering, tangible. Every single pilot felt it. 

Something was about to break, and there was dread in the wait, like the stillness that followed right after an earthquake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, an icon.
> 
> I'm not dead yay! Long chapter to make up for the wait :D With any luck this will not become a habit anytime soon, as long as the story doesn't get any major changes (which it SHOULDN'T but you never know for sure). There are quite a few more chapters mostly written already before I get to another blank spot that I have to make from scratch, so, fingers crossed!
> 
> Take a shot every time you read the word "silence". Yeah no don't do that. I'M RUNNING OUT OF SYNONYMS OK?! If I kept tweaking this thing until I was happy with the way that the last part describes dramatic pauses we would still be waiting for this.


	17. Second wave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very loaded and depicts a mental breakdown quite graphically. Take care of yourselves, and stay safe.

Grillby was startled awake by ragged breathing and loud pounding on his door. He rubbed his face, still drowsy from sleep and the strong sedatives he had been given, and stumbled clumsily out of bed. 

His dim fire sparked a bit higher upon opening the door and having a tall skeleton throw himself at him and nearly knock him down, wheezing and screaming to his face. 

- **GRILLBY** **_OH GOD_ ** **PLEASE TELL ME DAD'S HERE DID HE COME SEE YOU IS HE OKAY** **_WHY DID HE RUN AWAY?!!_ **

Barely awake and very disconcerted, the elemental closed his eyes, wincing at Papyrus’ loud voice. Groaning, he put a hand on the skeleton's shoulder to push him back and covered his face with the other. As he rubbed his temple, he slowly collected his thoughts.

-Papyrus I have no idea what you're talking about. Gaster's not here, I just woke up.

Papyrus let out an anguished wail, snapping Grillby wide awake. He only then noticed the tear tracks on the young skeleton’s _really_ pale face.

-Why? What's wrong?

- **_DAD DISAPPEARED FROM THE HOSPITAL WARD!!_ ** THE DOCTORS WANTED TO KEEP AN EYE ON HIM A LITTLE LONGER, BUT WHEN SANS AND I WENT TO VISIT HE WASN'T THERE! THIS WAS **HOURS** AGO, HE COULD BE _ANYWHERE!_ N-NOBODY KNOWS WHAT H-HAPPENED TO HIM...

Papyrus stopped talking, choked by his sobs as he hugged himself to control his rattles. 

Grillby got outright _horrified._

Why the **_hell_ ** would Gaster leave the hospital? He was in a terrible state and even _Grillby_ could see that. 

-I'll help you find him, calm down. Where have you searched already?

-E- **EVERYWHERE!** SANS HAS BEEN ALL OVER THE PLACE ASKING PEOPLE IF THEY'VE SEEN HIM. I'VE SEARCHED THE TRAINING GYMS, THE OFFICE WARD, THE ROOM WARDS, THE DINING HALL. WE BOTH CALLED AND TEXTED HIM A MILLION TIMES BUT HE WON'T ANSWER. IT'S LIKE HE'S N-NOt Even In The B-base Anymore...

A cold chill went down the elemental's back.

-Calm down. Keep searching this floor, and I will go to the next one. It will be okay, we will find him.

He squeezed his shoulder and closed the door behind him, after hastily grabbing his jacket. Papyrus nodded stiffly and sprinted to the other end of the corridor, still wheezing weak sobs and rattling. Grillby ran on the opposite direction, towards the elevator, and started to think. 

Gaster ran away; he was acting irrationally, which meant he was scared, and most likely still in a state of shock. It made no sense otherwise; that only made the situation more dangerous-

_It’s my fault._

Grillby shook his head, as if that could rid him of the thought. But it weighed heavy on his chest; he could have done more. He **should** have done more. Everything that could’ve gone wrong went _horribly_ wrong…

.

.

.

_-Gaster we’re almost there, hang on!_

_The skeleton nodded, panting, but he was still shaking as they took a defensive stance._

_The beast was ready to strike again, growling as it aimed for the chest to fully rip it open. They held their ground, grabbing it by the mouth and dislocating its jaw; the creature wailed, and tried to sting them with its tail to break itself free._

_It didn’t reach them. Hurricane Zero grabbed its tail and dragged the kaiju away, and after getting a better grip on it they smashed it to the ground. It was severely injured, thrashing weakly and screaming. Blaster Hazard went up to it, raising it by the neck, and loaded their cannon…_

_-Hurricane, Blaster, we need help here! Our kaiju got outside radar’s range, can’t see it!_

_Gaster froze._

_Hurricane was quick to respond._

_-Copy, Cherno, we’re on our way! Blaster, finish it off!_

_The drift had gone cold and silent; Grillby felt the beginnings of panic rising up his chest._

_-Gaster._ **_Gaster_ ** _come on, we’re almost done! We just got to-!_

_A sudden strike to one of their jaeger’s legs destabilized them, and they lost their footing._

_-Snap_ **_OUT_ ** _of it Gaster, wake up!!_

_The kaiju in their hands bit their arm and wriggled itself free after successfully stinging their leg, and coiled away with a broken cry. They fell on one knee. The people on the other sides of the intercom started yelling one over the other. Grillby screamed._

_-Blaster?! What’s going on there?!_

**_-GASTER-!!_ **

.

.

.

They survived by miracle. 

Grillby let out a half screamed curse, trying to control his shaky fire as he kept running. 

It shouldn't have gone that way. None of it should have happened. He was supposed to contain this, things weren't _supposed_ to-

As he stepped into the elevator, finger hovering over the button to the next floor, an idea struck him. He slammed the button to the roof and braced himself.

He ran out as soon as the metallic doors started to slide open, looking everywhere in search for hidden spots in between the largest metal structures. A sudden, strong gust of wind caught him off guard, almost throwing him off his feet; it was downright _freezing._

The roof was like a huge labyrinth, making him duck and turn every few meters to avoid tripping on anything. Another gust of wind made him stumble, and brought with it a clear smell of alcohol that he quickly followed. His stomach dropped when he saw the small pile of bottles littered around a cluster of large pipelines. 

Many tubes and thick wires bent and intertwined with each other several times, forming a crevice next to the wall they were all fixed on. And, in between it all, a long arm was dangling from the makeshift bunk, limp and barely hanging onto the neck of a large and empty bottle.

Gaster's eyes were wide open and empty, no lights to indicate he was conscious or even _awake_ for that matter, as he stared vacantly at the cables above him. He was sprawled on the small surface like a boneless chicken, half his body starting to slip down in a position that couldn't possibly be comfortable. He didn't respond to Grillby's calls or the sound of his heavy footsteps as the elemental sprinted towards him.

- **GASTER!!** _THANK GOD,_ what the **hell** are you doing here?! Your sons are worried **_SICK!!_**

The skeleton's hand twitched around the bottle, a faint tremor going up his arm, but he didn’t react otherwise. 

Grillby looked down, taking in the sheer amount of bottles of various sizes and kinds of booze on the floor near them. Some had most of their liquor still inside; a few were lying down half empty, their contents spilled and pooling around them. The majority was mostly empty. 

The elemental let out a loud scream as he flared higher, holding his head.

- _What the fuck have you_ **_DONE?!_ **

Gaster turned his face away. New tears started to pour down already dry tear tracks, along with a few quiet hiccups. Grillby's breath hitched; he didn't know what to take care of first. 

He quickly walked the last few steps that separated the two of them and snatched the bottle from the skeleton's hand, kicking the others away to make some room. Gaster didn't react.

The smell hit him suddenly like a brick wall, a strong stench of badly refined liquor combined with the godawful chemical odor of whatever the hell it was laced with. Grillby gagged, covering his mouth as he turned away to inspect the bottle in his hands. 

The only things written on the label were a batch number and some sort of markings that appeared to indicate the intensity of the liquor. Based on smell alone, a few glasses of the stuff seemed toxic enough to get an average person _very_ drunk. Drinking enough bottles of it may or may not turn one blind, but he was willing to bet it was the former rather than the latter.

Taking many, **many** deep breaths, Grillby forced his wild and anxious fire to burn less bright and more controlled. He tried his best to soften his voice in an attempt to conceal the growing panic in it, until it resembled something akin to composure.

-Aren't you cold out here? It will probably rain soon, we should get inside.

No answer; still no reaction whatsoever. 

Very carefully, Grillby reached for his arm and tried to coax him out of there. He found some weak resistance. 

-Come on Gaster, get up. Don't you want to go back inside to your sons?

The skeleton shivered. A small, pained whimper bubbled up from the bottom of his chest, and he turned around farther away from him. To the elemental's insistence, Gaster pushed him back again with a little more force, muttering a complaint. Grillby kept tugging at his arm more and more, worried and angry and outright _scared_ for the stupid, stubborn skeleton that fought to stay out there in the cold, just freezing and drinking himself into a coma…

A sudden, high-pitched wail startled him; he flinched backwards, barely managing to suppress the urge to drop to the ground and summon a volley of offensive magic.

Gaster finally reacted, shoving him away with violence and screaming hoarsely. He curled into a ball and made himself as small as possible, rocking back and forth, as he kept screaming. His every bone was rattling against the metal pipes, and the sound kept growing louder and louder the more he tried to press himself against them. He held his head in his hands in a tight grip, shaking it maniacally as he heaved broken cries. Grillby backed off, scared and unsure of what to do. 

A long stream of painful, screeching noises came out of the skeleton's mouth. His naturally unintelligible font slurred with weird modulations and absolutely no breathing pause as he spewed out more and more words in a crying frenzy. Magic hands were cast unconsciously in the air by force of habit, making half formed signs that accompanied the words. But the hands were twitchy and uncoordinated, and unable to catch up with his speech. The elemental would have given _anything_ in that moment to understand his warbled font… not that he would have probably understood much anyway. Yet the sloppy signs made what was going through Gaster's mind sadly clear. Grillby barely made out the signs 'please', 'sons', 'fail', 'die', 'drunk', 'sorry'.

Grillby tried again. As soon as the skeleton stopped wailing, he held his arm once more and nudged him to come out, only to be weakly pushed back again. 

Scoffing in frustration, the elemental gauged Gaster’s strength based on his outbursts so far, and decided that he could probably overpower him and bring him out fairly easily. He only hoped he didn't get a nasty attack to the face, like he had a few times before; he found that drunk Gaster was still full of surprises, after all. But luckily, he managed to get him out with little trouble. 

Getting him to stand up, he realized soon after, was a whole different problem. 

Upon being moved out of his hiding spot, the skeleton worked himself up into another fit. He started wheezing for air, kicking and screaming as he desperately tried to go back into the small crevice. Grillby started to _actually_ panic.

Quickly sitting him back down, he grabbed Gaster's hands to stop him from hitting the pipes and hurting himself; his knuckles had gotten scratched and bloody, and starting to bruise. He was very pale, and a few faint shades of blue were starting to creep into his already ashen face _oh god do skeletons actually need to breathe-?!_

Grillby tripped over the pile of bottles, stumbling backwards. He was still holding onto Gaster’s wrists, so he pulled him along and yanked him out as he fell. In the split second it took him to react, he grabbed the nearest pipeline with one hand and tried to keep the skeleton from toppling over with the other, just before they could both fall face-first on the glass and the hard concrete floor. The skeleton somehow managed to stay standing, wobbling in place. The elemental, not so much. 

Gasping for air and petrified, Grillby hang from the pipe he was holding in a death grip, halfway to the floor, with his soul pounding in his chest and throat. And to top it all off, just as he started to straighten himself and regain his balance, with no warning Gaster pushed him back to free himself of his grasp and scramble away. 

Trying to stop the skeleton’s escape while barely able to stand himself, the elemental tripped over his own feet and got dragged along, both holding onto each other and staggering away from the wall. And with increasing panic, Grillby realized that they were staggering closer and closer to the railings that marked the end of the rooftop. 

At some point, Gaster finally managed to shove him back and successfully get rid of him, throwing him to the ground and running off. To Grillby it was as if time had slowed down. In slow motion, the elemental saw him as he stumbled away, heading straight towards the edge.

Before he could even scream, the skeleton was bent in half over the railings, puking his metaphorical guts out. Grillby let himself fall completely, lying on the floor with his eyes closed and panting loudly. His whole body had gone limp. It took him a little while longer to fully register that the light feeling washing over him was in fact relief.

Once he regained some presence of mind, making sure that his legs were steady enough to hold him up, Grillby slowly followed him. He held on very tight to the railing, encompassing the skeleton's trembling frame in his equally trembling arms (whether to support him or to get support himself he didn’t know nor care). Gaster was bawling, shaking pitifully from the cold and the intermittent pangs of pain that would go through him. He coughed and retched in between vomits, desperately taking in gulps of air in weak, shallow breaths. And all the while, the elemental stood beside him, hugging him weakly and trying to stoke his very shaky flame, until Gaster's rattles decreased and his violent heaves finally eased down into mild gags and a few quiet hiccups. 

When he was done throwing up, he just slumped forward, wheezing. The last of his energy seemed to be focused on holding his stomach and controlling his labored breathing, which was interrupted every few seconds by quiet sobs and whimpers. He looked absolutely miserable.

Maneuvering his light body in the most careful way possible, Grillby steered him away from the edge, getting him to sit down on the lower step of some metal stairs nearby and then dropping to the floor himself to fully wind down. Gaster opposed no resistance, letting the elemental handle him like a rag doll with blind trust. Or, the elemental thought, perhaps he just lacked the energy to fight back. He didn't seem to have enough strength to even keep crying anymore. 

Fumbling a bit with his pockets and finding them empty, Grillby ripped out part of the inner lining of his jacket, and with it he started to wipe Gaster's face as the skeleton swayed in place. But even when he got rid of the tear stains, his eye sockets were very red and swollen, and his awful state was more than obvious. Still, he went over his mouth and chin very thoroughly nonetheless, and then moved on to his clothes, scrubbing them clean. He burned away any remaining alcohol still soaking his tattered sweater, and made sure there was no trace of vomit left on him. His sons didn't deserve to see him like that; it was the least he could do to spare them.

The sudden noise of a short ringtone started to play, startling him. Gaster paid it no mind, eyes still closed as he leaned heavily on the railing of those stairs that went _god knew where_ into the upper structures of the building. The melody's few notes rang one or two times, and then stopped abruptly before the elemental could find its source. He searched the skeleton's pockets and, sure enough, his cellphone screen was lit, indicating that it had a new message. 

Speak of Gaster's sons; there were multiple missed calls from the both of them. The poor boys had each sent message after message asking where he was and if he was okay, with various and increasing tones of worry as the texts became more recent. The last one simply read 'PLEASE LET US HELP YOU', sent by Papyrus just then.

He tried to calm down and think more rationally through the haze in his head, and debated on what to do next. 

The skeleton sitting in front of him was so sick that he ought to be sent back to the hospital immediately. And if Grillby was correct in his assessment (though it was hard to tell with the _immense_ amount of alcohol that the skeleton had consumed), part of Gaster's state could also be symptoms of hypothermia. He had been out in the cold for _way_ too long, and drinking was the **worst** way possible to retain body heat. But still...

On the other hand, sending him back like that would only mean lots of trouble for Gaster, _and_ his sons. He quickly went through his options.

It was worth a shot, Sans and Papyrus were sure to take good care of him. They could always send him back to the hospital ward if his state didn't improve in the next few hours. He searched for Papyrus' contact number, and before he hit call he stopped and turned to look at Gaster. 

The skeleton had slowly slid down the railing and ended up lying on his side over the stair step, curled around his stomach. Distress was evident in his features; his brows were knit in a pained expression, and his eyes remained sealed shut. His mouth was locked in a scowl, a few gags making him jerk and shudder. If he hadn't already, Grillby would've been sure he was about to throw up.

He hesitated, and then went back to the last message on the phone. He quickly texted a reply.

_This is Grillby, I found him. He's really sick but he'll be alright. Meet me back at your room, I need someone to open the door for us. Bring a large kettle, some hot water bags and lots of water, and don't tell anyone but your brother._

The answer came in no time, short and to the point and so unlike the young skeleton.

_THANKS WE'RE HEADING THERE._

Grillby sighed and pocketed the phone. He gently shook Gaster's shoulder.

-Gaster? Are you awake?

A low groan was all he got for an answer. The skeleton scrunched up his nose, shivering.

-We're going inside, Gaster, help me a little.

He whined, trying to get up and turn away from Grillby. Halfway through the movement his body stilled. 

A few spasms went down his back as he retched many times in quick succession, forehead resting on the stair step while he dry heaved. The metal seemed to be the only unmoving thing anchoring him to the ground.

The wave of nausea didn't last long; he had nothing left in him to throw up anymore.

-Being out in the cold will only make you feel worse. Are you coming or what?

Trying to get him to move after that proved to be very difficult, so the elemental was forced to carry him. He first got the skeleton to sit up, carefully keeping his skull and torso as vertical and still as possible in an attempt to minimize his disorientation and dizziness. Throwing an arm around his back, the other under his knees, Grillby made sure he was secured in his hold and, very slowly, got up.

The sudden movement seemed to disturb Gaster, who kept constantly falling in and out of consciousness. He emitted a few pained noises, whimpering weakly as he pressed his face in the crook of the elemental's neck. Grillby barely contained a flinch; the skeleton's bones were cold as ice. His weak fire couldn’t possibly thaw that, at least not out in that freezing weather. Gaster was shivering so much he kept rattling, huddling even closer upon feeling the faint heat that managed to reach him through the wind.

Grillby could only _hope_ that he would be able to reach the bedroom without dropping the skeleton from his unsteady, shaking arms; that his wobbly legs would support him all the way until they got there, and that he wouldn’t have a mental breakdown of his own before he could get them both back to safety.

* * *

**Note:**

That last bit? Totally not inspired by [Silverskye13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverskye13/pseuds/Silverskye13)'s beautiful wonderful fic [Pleasant Warmth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8511385) that I love very very much. Nope. Not at all. What no I’m not lying you’re lying shut up.


	18. Disaster-containment measures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damage control.

In a stealthy route that involved many,  _ many _ detours and several scares, Grillby  **finally** managed to reach the skeleton brothers' bedroom without being seen. 

Sans was waiting outside, pacing up and down the hallway with a nervousness that didn't suit him. The small skeleton jumped upon seeing him, and after a quick lookover and a shudder, he opened the door and urged him to hurry inside. His usually bright eye sockets were devoid of light, and even his constant grin was gone from his face. He didn't look like himself at all.

Papyrus jumped off the bed he was sitting on and ran towards them the second that the door opened, and then stopped dead on his tracks when he got a good look of the two. It was plain visible that he had been crying until very recently, and the look on his face was miserable. Both brothers were obviously beyond themselves and, quite frankly, Grillby couldn’t be more relieved that it had been  _ him _ the one to find their father.

Sans closed the door quietly behind him once the elemental was inside.

-dunno what we expected, paps, but i s’ppose its not so bad. coulda been  _ way _ worse.

He huffed a short, humorless laugh as he started to prepare one of their beds. Papyrus covered his eyes and sighed.

-I-I DON'T KNOW EITHER, BROTHER. BUT YOU'RE RIGHT. IT COULD BE WORSE, I GUESS.

Grillby carefully laid Gaster down, and Sans quickly started to roll up the legs of his pants. To his questioning look, the skeleton replied, a faint smile back on his face.

-yeah, dad doesnt like to sleep with these on. says it hurts his bones to wear the false legs all the time.

Grillby blinked a few times, while Sans kept talking as he casually removed Gaster's prosthetic limbs and put them aside with care. He couldn't help but wonder just how many times they must've had to do this before, for it to be so natural to them.

A small whimper interrupted his thoughts as Gaster tossed his head and squirmed. The elemental rested the back of his hand on his cheekbone, and then reached under the sweater to touch the base of his neck. He was too cold, even under his clothes. 

Sans inspected his every movement and looked up at him, guarded but curious.

-whats wrong?

-He was at the roof when I found him. I don't know how long he's been out there, it's biting cold outside. Papyrus, could you fill the kettle and bring it here?

Without a word, he did as he was told, while Sans fetched a few hot water bags. 

When he passed him the full kettle, Papyrus stared down at the floor, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and rubbing his arm.

-S-SO... H-How Much This Time...?

His voice sounded tiny. Sans was strictly avoiding his gaze, focused only on the task of arranging the bed’s blankets over Gaster.

As he slowly heated up the water with whatever magic he could muster, Grillby looked away and sighed. He felt really bad for the both of them.

-... I'm not sure. There were many bottles all over, but I didn't see him drinking. There’s no way he  _ actually _ drank all of them.

-why not?

-It's impossible to drink so much and not die.

Papyrus sucked in a sharp breath and tensed, hunching his shoulders; his eyes went very wide. Sans only stilled. Since his back was turned to them, the elemental couldn’t see his expression, but the shudder that went down his spine was very visible.

Grillby closed his eyes, cringing. Wrong phrasing. 

-I mean he wouldn't be like this if that were the case. 

_ No I don’t. _

-He would've been much worse when I found him. 

_ There’s no way it could possibly get much worse than this. _

-I don't think one even  _ can _ drink all that at once…

_ … at least I hope so… _

Sans lowered his head and scoffed bitterly, muttering under his breath.

-... never stopped him from trying...

Papyrus gave him a look that was probably supposed to be scolding, but it was more sad than angry. Grillby carefully poured the boiling water into the rubber bags and walked over to the bed, passing them to Sans while Papyrus gathered more thick blankets and quilts to put over their father. 

The elemental checked Gaster's temperature again. Still too cold.

The skeleton was shivering under the covers, face twisted in pain. As the brothers arranged the bags in between blankets, Grillby placed his hand over Gaster's chest and, making a huge effort, pushed his soul to summon more magic.

A wave of heat extended throughout the small room, rolling off of his flame, and quickly seeped into the covers until it reached the skeleton underneath. The elemental focused intently to direct as much heat as he could to him without letting it dissipate, making it spread until it surrounded him completely. 

Gaster let out a long, deep sigh as his body relaxed. Sans and Papyrus looked at Grillby as he kept his magic going, until their father calmed down and eventually stopped shaking altogether. A few labored breaths, followed by some weak gasps, and Gaster was fast asleep, looking less pale and overall a little better.

Grillby closed his eyes tight with a quiet groan, panting. Frowning from the exertion, he let his shoulders go slack, releasing some tension as a small shudder went through his flames. He was exhausted, and his fire had dimmed considerably. What little magic he had recovered during the short trek to the room was all gone, and a little more. But he didn’t regret it; it felt right.

When he turned around to speak to the skeletons behind him, he found himself facing two blank, unreadable stares. Both their expressions, despite being in starkly different faces, were identical. He shrunk under their gazes, coughing nervously. 

-I don't, er… think there's much more I could do. You should send him to the hospital immediately at the first sign of trouble, he was very ill up there. Call if you need help.

They all stared at each other for a few moments, before the elemental cleared his throat one final time and took a few hesitant steps towards the door.

-Well... I guess I'm off then-

-... thank you.

Grillby froze mid step, sparking in surprise.

-It’s not neces-

- **_shut up._ **

He blinked, confused, but did as he was told.

Papyrus turned to glare at his brother.

- _ SANS! _

The shorter skeleton scoffed loudly, scowling, and pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

-just… i **just-** _ugh_ why must you make this so damn **difficult?!**

The other two were completely taken aback.

-B-BROTHER? WHAT DO YOU-?

- _i dont_ **_know_** _what i mean,_ **okay?!** just...

Sans buried his face in his hands and stifled a scream, turning around and heading to the door.

-call me if anything happens, ill be back in a while.

Papyrus' eyes widened.

-WHA- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

- _ i dont know,  _ **_out!_ **

He threw his hands up in the air, and with that, he slammed the door shut and stormed out.

Papyrus sighed. The elemental turned to look at him with concern.

-Is... is he going to be okay?

The skeleton looked up at him with a weak smile. It was painful how many times Grillby had seen that same smile in another, very similar face.

-YES, HE IS. I GUESS HE'S JUST A LITTLE... RATTLED, THAT'S ALL.

The elemental nodded, expression vacant.

-Is there anything else I could do?

Papyrus quickly recovered some of his usual liveliness. His answer was a little more energetic than before.

-NO, YOU'VE DONE SO MUCH ALREADY. DON'T WORRY, WE'LL CALL YOU AS SOON AS THERE ARE NEWS. AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT SANS, THE LAZYBONES JUST NEEDS SOME TIME TO SULK AND THEN HE'LL BE BACK TO NORMAL. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT, I JUST KNOW IT!

Grillby couldn't help a small smile. He nodded once more, walking to the door.

-THANK YOU, GRILLBY. FOR EVERYTHING. 

The elemental stopped again. 

A beat of time passed, while he looked down at the floor unsure of how to reply.

-It's just the decent thing to do. I'm sure your dad would have done the-

He cut himself off, huffing a quiet laugh. His smile widened fondly, turning much softer along with the slow, lazy swirling of his flames.

-... already  _ has  _ done the same for me.

When he finally turned back around to face Papyrus, the skeleton was looking at him with the brightest eyes the elemental had seen in him all day.

-I MEAN IT. AND SANS DOES TOO, IN HIS OWN WAY.

Grillby nodded again. He was completely drained.

-Good night, Papyrus.

-GOOD NIGHT, GRILLBY. SEE YOU.

With that, the elemental left. 

He had a lot of mixed feelings and conflicting thoughts, enough to keep him up all night. But throughout the years he had gotten very good at compartmentalizing, and he decided that he wouldn't let any of it stop him from getting sleep. The last twenty hours had been long and exhausting, and he  _ needed _ to rest.

He had all day tomorrow to stop and properly think about the huge mess that was today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so looking forward to these next chapters you have no idea.


	19. Ocean floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you hit rock bottom...

The audience that the military higher ups held the day after the utter  _ disaster _ that was their participation in their first mission was long and tedious, Undyne told him later. He had been mercifully excused from attending due to how recent the events were and the toll they had taken on him, so their superiors let him rest that day. But his copilot and him weren't in a good spot; they were treading dangerous ground, and they hadn't exactly landed there on their feet. 

Apparently, the focal point of discussion in the meeting had  _ not _ been his lengthy history of fuckups, but  _ Gaster's _ instead. He was deemed 'mentally unstable', 'erratic', and 'a dangerous haphazard', plus a whole lot more of other less kind adjectives. Therefore, the entirety of the blame fell on  _ his _ shoulders. The committee basically reduced him to a bunch of insulting appellatives and a stain on the program's reports, and as glad as Grillby was that his own history hadn't come back out to light, he was equally  _ furious. _

There was nothing they could do for the time being; Undyne's hands were tied. They could only wait and see how things eventually turned out. 

He could barely get any sleep that night, no matter how long he tossed and turned on his bed, and he couldn't get any rest no matter how much he  _ did _ actually manage to sleep. As he stared at the ceiling with no clear thought in mind, there was a knock on his door, so soft that he almost missed it. After a moment's hesitation, there was another knock, less certain, and then silence. Grillby was baffled; hardly anyone was walking around the base at such late hours. People were either working night shifts or sleeping. 

When he opened the door, he was surprised to find Gaster, barefooted and with a large quilt draped around his shoulders. The skeleton looked away and smiled awkwardly, like he was trying to come up with an excuse on the spot to justify his presence there. He opened his mouth a few times, only to close it and finally fumble with his hands from under the quilt to sign.

-Can... can I come in?

Confused as he was, Grillby didn't hesitate to move aside and make way for him nonetheless. Gaster gave him a small smile and hurried inside, the long blanket trailing on the floor behind him.

-May I sit?

The elemental nodded and pointed towards the unmade bed, but the skeleton walked straight past it and flopped down on the floor, propping his back up against the wall and pulling the quilt tighter around himself. Grillby followed his lead and sat beside him.

-My boys are working night shifts today, and Papyrus has training later in the morning, so they'll be pretty busy all day tomorrow. Heh, even Sans, only he'll be sleeping instead; he may be lazy but he's still very responsible regardless. I'm so proud of them.

His signs were shaky, and Grillby noticed that he wasn't using his magic hands at all. That was unusual. 

A short, awkward silence followed, accompanied by the skeleton's nervous fidgeting. Finally, he added, shying away from the elemental's gaze.

-I... didn't want to be alone. I hope you don't mind?

Grillby shook his head. 

-No, not at all. 

Silence.

-... how are you feeling today?

Gaster smiled sadly, looking down at his lap. His expression was a complex mix of emotions, and yet it remained somehow vacant.

-I'm much better, my sons were very attentive. And... forgiving. They even managed to talk a doctor into seeing me at their room. I truly don't deserve them.

He looked up at the elemental with an earnest and slightly wider smile on his face.

-Well, and it's also greatly thanks to you. I meant to swing by yesterday to thank you but, heh, I guess my body disagreed.

He gave a small humorless laugh and looked down again, that strange, tired smile still in place. 

Grillby didn't know why exactly, but something about it seemed  _ off, _ out of place. Like that expression didn't belong on the skeleton's face at all. He somehow felt that it should be different, that his smile wasn't the way it was  _ supposed _ to be. That it was meant to be fond, and happy; a  **real** smile, like the ones he wore when he talked about his boys' achievements. It just didn't feel  _ right. _

-There's no need.

-Of course there is. You were very kind, Sans told me all you did for me.

The elemental couldn't help his confused expression and a few startled sparks at that. Gaster raised his brow bones, seemingly curious. 

-You look surprised.

-Well...  _ yes, _ I mean... it's no secret Sans never liked me.

-Huh. Well it seems you're  _ warming up _ to him.

The skeleton received a blank stare. It didn't stop him from giggling at his own joke.

-Wow.

-Yeah, I know, not my best.

They sat for a while in companionable silence. Gaster was resting his head against the wall with his eyes closed, and for whatever reason that also struck Grillby as odd.

-You look tired.

He opened one socket. 

-Hm?

-Did you sleep well?

-I could ask you the same.

-It looks like you may need it more.

There it was again, that sad look in his eyes that couldn't quite be masked with the feeble smile he put on.

-I look that bad, huh?

-I'm just worried.

Both of Gaster's sockets were fixed on him now, a look of intrigue in them.

-Why?

The elemental jumped.

-Wha- what do you **mean** _why?_

The skeleton frowned, disconcerted, and turned away.

-I... I don't know, just...  _ why? _ After everything I-

He stopped abruptly, putting his hands down on his lap and curling up even more into his quilt. He hesitated before he raised his hands again.

-I... didn't really think you would care all that much.

His words felt like a slap to the face. 

It  _ hurt, _ but there was no logical reason behind it. Sure, the drift was a very personal experience to share, but they were only copilots, nothing else. They weren't like the rest of the jaeger pilots who had deeper bonds with each other, siblings, parent and child, spouses. They only just met a few months ago, but still... 

But it still stung.

Gaster immediately recognized his mistake and stuttered out an apology with panic in his eyes, speaking out loud as he signed without realizing that he was doing so.

-Wait no  _ no _ I- s-sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like- I-I mean...

He huffed, rubbing his temples and wincing.

-I'm  _ not... _ exactly easy to deal with. You had no reason to help me.

-... I  _ do _ care. You were always very kind to me whenever I needed it…

He got distracted by the skeleton's hands, neatly folded over his lap again and shaking quite noticeably.

-Are you sure you're okay? Y-your hands...

Gaster turned his head to follow his gaze.

-Oh, this?

He gave a small, sarcastic scoff of a laugh as he raised one hand and held it out. He wasn't moving it, but yet his pulse trembled very badly.

-This is nothing. It will get much worse tomorrow.

- _ Wh _ **_-what?!_ **

Grillby's flames flared a pale yellow, and his body tensed. Streaks of purples and blues flickered across his face, shifting quickly in his unease. Gaster's entire demeanor remained nonchalant, like he had just told him what the weather was like outside.

-You see, when a person drinks too much, they only get a hangover the next day, and then they go on about their life as usual. But as that same person keeps drinking more and more often, their body in turn becomes accustomed to regularly ingesting large amounts of alcohol. It then becomes a necessity to  _ always _ have alcohol in their system, because the body can no longer work properly without it, and it gets harder to turn things back around the longer it goes on. It's a vicious cycle. That's the biological basis of any addiction.

Grillby's whole fire shuddered. Oblivious, and partially ignoring him on purpose, the skeleton kept signing shakily.

-The hangovers start to stretch out for days at a time, and soon enough days and even weeks all blend together as the line between drunk and sober gets blurry; all their time is spent either drunk or hungover. That furthers isolation, which in turn strengthens the heavy psychological dependence this person probably has already. So it's easier to just keep drinking instead and try to forget about it.

Gaster's face was expressionless, completely detached from what he was saying. His hands trembled more and more as he went on, which forced him to stop for a moment. His eyes were devoid of emotion as he made tight fists with his hands and slowly relaxed them with a deep breath. Grillby moved to touch his arm, but then stopped, hesitating. He didn't know what to do in a situation like this... 

_ As usual. _ He found himself feeling useless very often lately; he just  **never** seemed to know what to do.

The skeleton took another breath and let out a tired sigh before he relaxed his fingers completely, that same nothingness still in his features as he stared blankly ahead. It was as if an underpaid, apathetic teacher was giving out a boring lesson he wanted nothing to do with, that he had repeated a thousand times over to the point where he was just reciting each sentence by heart without any real commitment.

-The drawbacks also get stronger as time goes on, so every time this person tries to stop, the withdrawal only gets  _ worse, _ and every time it lasts longer. It starts with shaking, nausea, you know, the regular stuff. But then it doesn't stop there. 

Silence. 

Grillby, still wearing a concerned expression, finally mustered the courage to reach out and gently rested a hand on his shoulder. Gaster tensed, but didn't move to get him off. The elemental took that as a sign that he was probably heading in the right direction. 

-And then what happens? 

The skeleton drew another shaky breath, turning his face away from him. 

-Th-their... their body keeps... keeps getting more sore and stiff as days go by, shutting down to the point where they can barely move... Their personality changes; they get **very** uneasy. Like... well, anxious, irritable, downright _paranoid_. That's also along the time they may start... s- **seeing...** _things._ V-vivid sensory hallucinations, the stuff of nightmares. Every room feels like it's constantly getting smaller, like the walls are moving and closing in. Constant pain, everything feels just _wrong._ That's usually when the paranoia hits the hardest; they get totally delirious... they stop being able to tell what's real anymore...

There was a long, heavy silence, broken only by the sounds of Grillby's swirling fire.

-That sounds terrifying. 

-... it is.

Gaster hugged his knees. His purple hands finally appeared, twitching badly as they signed. 

-I'm... I'm scared, Grillby. I've been drinking for a really long time now. I never  _ truly _ tried to quit before, not really, but because of different circumstances I  **have** gone sober a few times, and the withdrawals only got more violent over the years. Last time was awful enough that I told myself I'd never get completely sobered up again.

-Well, given what you just told me it's kinda understandable.

The skeleton scoffed in disdain, frowning; his gaze was low, fixed on a point in the floor ahead of him. A few quiet, almost inaudible noises in his font stringed together as he got his real hands up, each sign very slow and deliberate.

-It's funny you say that. I find it disgusting.

He practically spat the words, his mouth curling in distaste like he was smelling something foul. His black, vacant sockets filled with tears, and his angry frown quivered. 

-... I disgust myself.

He lowered his head, clenching his teeth and squinting his eyes in an attempt to stop himself from crying. It wasn't too long before he broke down. 

He covered his face, breathing harshly into his hands and hiding against his knees.

-I-I can't keep  _ living _ like this anymore! I'm hurting them so much... b-but I'm still too scared to... I'm t- **terrified...**

Grillby saw briefly the tears that rolled down his cheekbones as Gaster sobbed and wheezed for air, before the skeleton stopped to take one really deep breath, and with that his entire demeanor suddenly  _ changed. _

In a matter of seconds, he had squared his shoulders and straightened his back, lowering his knees to sit in a cross legged position and lifting his head to look forward. In one fluid motion, to the elemental's complete astonishment, he fully composed himself, each individual feature of his face shifting with ease as he laid back nonchalantly and quickly masked his distress behind a half smile. And he just started laughing. Had the tears not been there still, Grillby would've been none the wiser about the complete breakdown that had just taken place. 

_ -H-hah, _ look at me, still rambling... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to annoy you with all this...

Grillby held his arm firmly and made him turn around to face him; the skeleton jumped, thrown off. The elemental was telling him,  _ forcing _ him to acknowledge his worry, so that he couldn't keep ignoring the intense crackling of his fire that burned and popped in all kinds of distressed ways.

-Don't turn away from this. Please.

Gaster stilled. His facade immediately crumbled and fell; his body shrunk and started to rattle as he looked down with shame written all over his face. He couldn't hold the sad gaze that the elemental had fixed on him.

-I-I'm...

More tears fell, as his breathing grew quicker. Grillby shifted, gently holding his shaky hands in his own.

-How can I help you?

He shrunk even more, shuddering violently, and looked up at him with those wide, hesitant sockets. His eye lights were gone, but Grillby could still feel his piercing stare on him, searching his face for any kind of derision, any sign of deceit or mockery. He laid completely bare in front of the elemental, showing himself at his most vulnerable, and somehow seemed even more exposed than he did when they were connected through the drift. He was showing him his deepest fears in the raw, and he looked desperate for something,  **anything** to hold onto...

_ The drift. _ Suddenly Grillby got an idea.

He turned aside and quickly scrambled to his feet. The skeleton flinched, confused, and followed him with his gaze as the elemental fetched something from under his bed and put it between them.

It was a small box, the one that contained the portable neural bridge Alphys had built for them not too long ago. It had been a gift to allow them to practice, and help Grillby get more comfortable drifting without being constantly monitored in the piloting stations of their jaeger. The elemental got both headsets out and offered one to Gaster, who only stared at it. He looked back up at Grillby, who in turn smiled warmly at him.

-The whole purpose of drifting is to share the burden of piloting so one doesn't have to do it alone, right? To make it easier on the pilots. Maybe that's not the only burden it can ease.

He saw the hesitation in Gaster’s eyes as he fidgeted, hugging his knees closer. The skeleton started and stopped signing many times, until he finally managed a full sentence. 

-... I... I-I'm not sure... it's not your burden to carry, Grillby...

-But I want to help. It may do nothing at all, but it also may make things at least a little less scary to handle on your own. 

Gaster still hesitated, but he slowly reached out for the headset.

-... You really don't want to be in my head right now...

Grillby smiled again, encouraging.

-Let's see, shall we?

The skeleton avoided his gaze, putting the equipment on. Grillby did the same, and his hand hovered over the power button.

-Are you ready?

Gaster wiped a few tears away, regaining some of his composure, and nodded. The elemental nodded back, and firmly pressed the button.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stuff like this is totally not the reason why I got so interested in the concept of drifting in the first place.


	20. Into the deep-ocean trenches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... the only way is up.

  
  


.

.

.

Grillby was instantly flooded with an intense set of different emotions. 

_ Doubt. Self-hatred. Guilt. Shame. _

Many images flashed through his mind, quickly shifting and changing in a confusing blur; he recognized a few, from different times he had seen Gaster drunk or hungover, but this time he got to experience them from the other side. 

Long talks and harsh reprimands from his sons about his deplorable state, stretching late into the night; hangovers filled with regret the mornings after, when they left him alone in the room to deal with his thoughts on his own.

Happy memories from long ago played over and over, clouded and glossed over by a burning feeling in his chest, always ending in tears and vomiting into some dirty dumpster.

Most of the times, the main emotion in each memory was a faded sense of resigned hopelessness.

Grillby sifted through the chaos with some ease in the motion, gained by force of habit, and kept digging further and further until, under it all, he finally found him.

Gaster was standing, looking down vacantly into the memory they were in. In front of him, three skeletons lied on the floor, holding each other in a pile and fast asleep.

He crouched, kneeling next to the pair of children who were huddled under the protective arms of the older skeleton of the group. He disregarded his past self entirely, eyes fixed on the two small skulls that bobbed a bit with every soft snore. He slowly extended a shaky arm, reaching for them with hesitation. 

Papyrus whined and turned around in his sleep. Gaster quickly pulled his hand back.

The child squirmed, eyes closed and face scrunched up in distress as a few whimpers escaped him. He was shivering, caught in some bad dream. Gaster reached out again, and posed his hand over his head with reverence.

Slowly, gently, he caressed the tiny skull with delicate fingers, rubbing small circles on it. He started humming, a quiet, simple melody that seemed to calm the babybones down almost instantly. Little Papyrus hummed along in his sleep, nuzzling into the hand for one moment before he relaxed again over young Gaster, who only shifted to hold both of his sons closer to his chest.

Grillby walked over, taking in every detail of the scene. The skeleton in the memory looked nothing like the one he was drifting with. Young Gaster had no scars on his face, no holes in his hands. His features were tired and worried, but not overly so, not yet at this point in time. This was before the kaiju attacks that destroyed their city and their lives, before all the madness. This was, in all possible ways, an infinitely more peaceful time, even if the skeletons from the memory didn't know it yet.

Gaster, present Gaster, took a shuddering breath, slowly getting back up on his feet. His prosthetic legs and ribs were clearly noticeable through the ragged sweater and the hems of his pants, making a stark contrast with his past self that was sleeping barefooted, with his chest intact and all his metatarsals in plain sight. 

-So this is where you go to when you're upset?

Gaster laughed weakly, sockets empty.

-At least it's where I try to go. I don't always manage. It's easy to get lost on the way here.

Grillby nodded.

-It's a good place to be.

-Much better than the rest anyway.

They stayed in silence for a while, watching the peaceful family sleeping at their feet.

-Sometimes... I come here to look back, to think of ways I could have something like this with them again. How things could be... different. Better. Ways of going back to how we were before, the way that the boys and I were a... a family. A  _ real _ family. 

He shook his head.

-But lately I've only been able to just sit here and think of nothing. Just forced to watch, only to be reminded of everything I lost. I can never seem to find a solution,  _ any _ way out of this; it feels like I'm  **trapped** here. Like there's just nothing that could fix this anymore.

Gaster's mouth trembled, as he lowered his head and stopped talking. Grillby stepped closer.

-Well, you already got a good idea of where to start. You just need to get it going.

The scenery changed quickly, shifting again and again and again, the looming shadow over their heads growing darker with every new sight. The feelings attached to each memory kept growing stronger and wilder until both monsters were completely surrounded by a black nothingness, pierced only by Gaster's screams. The drift felt tight and thinned out, stretched into a thread that barely held itself together and threatened to snap. The elemental closed his eyes, and focused.

Their surroundings started to become clearer and more stable, as Grillby focused all his willpower to disperse that suffocating darkness away from their shared mind. Very slowly, Gaster lowered his hands from his face, looking up from the floor where he had fallen on his knees.

A clear sky above them spread as far as the eye could see, green fields under their feet, vegetation waving lazily as it got caught in the soft breeze.

-daddy  _ come on, _ its starting already!

A familiar giggle reached them, startling Gaster out of his thoughts and making him look around, away from the small pouting skeleton he was following with his eyes.

-Slow down, Sans, your brother can't walk very fast yet.

The tall skeleton walking towards them held a little toddler's hand, laughing and helping the child stay on his feet. Small Papyrus was wearing a very frustrated frown on his face, giving him the most comical and adorable expression in the world. He gave up trying to catch up with his brother and stopped next to his father, whining and making grabby hands at him. Gaster smiled down at his child and lifted him up, blowing a raspberry on his face and making him burst into a fit of giggles.

Sans was sitting ahead on the highest part of the mound they were standing on, his eyes fixed on the horizon. Gaster reached him and sat down on the grass, a giddy toddler on his lap and another one leaning against him with a bright glow in his sockets.

Beyond the fields, the sun was quickly setting, and the sky started darkening in a moment's notice. An amazing display began, a beautiful array of colors and lights that reflected on the white clouds and painted them all in different shades. It was like staring into a huge kaleidoscope, a whole rainbow of color spread out over the last of the daylight in the sky. Slowly, the first stars appeared, visible even before the sun fully went down. Sans stared, mesmerized, and didn't move his eyes away until night fell.

Gaster threw an arm around him, hugging him closer, before unexpectedly pulling him down and over his chest as he threw himself back to lie on the grass. Sans laughed, rolling on him and pushing Papyrus over to the ground.

-NYEH! SAN,  _ STOP! _

-cant hear paps; stars are too loud.

-You can’t hear sounds from outer space, Sans. If you're going to tease your brother at least be accurate.

More laughter was exchanged as the three of them settled down for stargazing. Gaster taught them about a few different constellations and how they changed depending on the time of the year, and both kids listened with wide eyes, enthralled. 

Suddenly, something else caught their attention.

-DADDY, DADDY _LOOK!_ **_STARS!_**

-dad...? are… stars supposed to fall...?

The tall skeleton snickered as he sat back up, extending his hand. In no time, one of the many fireflies that had appeared seemingly out of thin air landed on his palm, beating its wings. Both children hurried to his side, snuggling closer.

-WHY THE STAR HAS WINGS?

Papyrus' confused and concerned look was precious. Gaster was quick to reply. 

-Well, how else do you expect them to stay up there all night? 

The child hummed in acknowledgement as he and his brother kept looking at it. Sans had already realized by then what the 'stars' actually were, but he was not any less fascinated by them.

-WHAT IS STAR DOING HERE, THEN?

-I asked it to come.

Gaster looked down at his sons with a warm smile. The firefly flew off, making lazy shapes in the air that were bright enough to float in the darkness for a moment before vanishing. Sans and Papyrus followed it with their eyes, wearing a toothy grin each and laughing out loud in wonder.

-REALLY?!

Their father rested a hand over each of their small skulls, lovingly kissing them both in turn.

-Of course. Didn't I tell you I would bring you the stars one day-?

.

.

  
  


.

  
  
  
  
  


When he opened his eyes again, the first thing he noticed was a quiet rattle beside him.

Gaster was sobbing, curled up against the wall and covering his mouth with a shaking hand. He was wrapping the quilt even tighter around himself and, very slowly, starting to calm down. Grillby straightened his sore back, and waited.

Laughter suddenly came from behind the skeleton's hand, quiet and hesitant. It grew steadier with every breath he took, and a wide smile spread on his face, gaze wandering.

-... Th-thank you...

He closed his eyes, laughing and sobbing weakly as his trembling started to settle down.

-Th-thank you, Grillby. Thank you...

The elemental leaned on him, letting some of his warmth pass onto the skeleton. Gaster pressed himself against his side, resting his skull over his shoulder and taking great care to wipe his tears before any could fall on Grillby. 

A soft smile rested on his face, a genuine, happy smile that he hadn't been able to produce in a very, very long time. A budding feeling was forming in his soul, one that seemed as amazing as it did unreal. 

A growing sentiment of relief. A huge weight being finally lifted from his chest, one that he had been carrying for years. But most of all,  _ hope. _ Grillby felt it all; they were still connected through the drift.

He felt the way that the skeleton breathed as his sobbing slowed down to a more manageable rhythm, the way that his soul beat within his ribcage. He felt the way that his  _ own _ heat felt on Gaster's bones from the skeleton's perspective, fire nuzzling and calming him. He felt the drift change, gently pushing and pulling until both sides eventually reached an equilibrium, balancing itself out. Both of their minds were at ease.

They remained quiet for a long time, sharing whatever shallow thoughts and sensations came randomly to mind and letting them flow freely through the drift without dwelling or worrying. They just rested, enjoying the calmness of the moment as it stretched on for what felt like hours...

A slightly urgent knock on the door pulled them out of their drowsiness. Grillby yawned.

-Come in.

The door opened quietly, revealing two antsy skeletons standing awkwardly in the hallway.

-I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, GRILLBY, I KNOW IT'S TOO EARLY BUT DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE OUR-?

He stopped upon seeing Gaster, who was still sniffling with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face. Papyrus instantly brightened up.

-DAD! THERE YOU ARE!

Sans quickly poked his head into the room, sighing a relieved laugh.

-hey, you scared us, dad, dont disappear like that. 

Gaster giggled, wiping his face with the heels of his hands.

-Hello, boys. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you.

They both walked in, brows knitting in concern when they got a better look at him.

-DAD? ARE YOU OKAY?

With a quiet laugh, Gaster rubbed his sockets one final time and gave Grillby a quick look, wordlessly asking for confirmation before he turned the device off. 

-Yes, Papyrus. I'm okay.

He removed the headset from his skull, taking a deep breath and laughing in between a few hiccups. The brothers approached and sat down in front of him, extending their hands towards his. Gaster gently pulled them close, surprising them into a soft hug; they immediately latched onto him, holding him tight. He sobbed a choked giggle, resting his forehead on theirs.

-I'm okay now boys. I'm going to be fine. 

When the family broke the embrace, Gaster had stopped crying, but Sans and Papyrus were trying to disguise a few fresh tears of their own. The oldest skeleton got up with some struggle, and his sons quickly helped him stand.

-THANK YOU FOR KEEPING HIM COMPANY, GRILLBY, WE REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM ALONE TONIGHT BUT OUR BOSSES WOULDN'T GIVE US THE NIGHT OFF.

Grillby only nodded. He was burning brightly, looking at all of them with a content smile.

-My pleasure. 

Before anyone could say anything else, Sans yawned loudly. 

-welp, dont know about you two, but im tired as  _ balls _ here, so perhaps we should head back to our room.

-SANS! DON'T TALK LIKE THAT, IT'S RUDE!

-yeah i know, rude as  _ balls. _

- _ SANS! _

Gaster only laughed, looking fondly at them. His whole demeanor seemed infinitely more relaxed than it had been when he'd just arrived at the elemental's room, posture loose, smile resting easy on his face.

-You know, I'm quite tired as well. Perhaps we should go.

Papyrus did a hundred and eighty degree turn, his frown disappearing entirely as he addressed his father.

-OF COURSE DAD, WE SHOULD TOTALLY GO TO BED! BYE GRILLBY!

With that, he lifted his brother up and strode confidently down the hall, an echo of 'NYEHEHEH' bouncing off the walls. At almost five in the morning, the neighbors were surely not happy about that.

Gaster turned to the elemental one last time, giggling quietly as he pulled his quilt over his shoulders, wobbly magic hands signing.

-A funny pair, huh?

Grillby huffed, smiling.

-Funny indeed.

The skeleton kept his eyes on him a moment longer, his own smile growing wider.

-Thank you so much, Grillby, I really mean it. I'll see you soon; if all goes well, I may need to ask you another favor in the near future.

The elemental nodded, knowing already what he was meaning to say.

-Anything, ask away.

Gaster laughed softly, that sincere, childlike laugh of his, and headed towards the door.

-Good night, candle.

-Good night, Gaster. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the one before are some of my favorite things that I’ve written. I hope you liked them as much as I do! I'm so proud :'DD


	21. Murky waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stagnant waters are finally starting to flow again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations Gaster! It only took you twenty chapters to figure out you needed some help after all.
> 
> Tags have been updated.

He hesitantly opened his eyes to the uncomfortable lights of a white room, squinting at a few machines beeping and whirring next to his bed. The noises weren't technically loud per se, but the pounding in his head told him otherwise. 

Trying to coordinate two separate thoughts was  _ agony; _ merely processing one full thought took too much effort to be worth the trouble.

The nausea was the worst part. He didn't know which caused which, whether the headache intensified the nausea or vice versa, but the fact remained that having a migraine split his skull open while the ceiling spun wildly over him wasn't exactly his definition of  _ pleasant. _

Gaster squirmed and closed his eyes tightly again, holding in a groan of pain as he tensed. His stomach tossed and turned in every possible way imaginable. Along with the pressure that kept building up inside his head, it was the only sensation he could actually make out over the overwhelming  **pain** that went through his entire body. 

It came back to him out of the blue; he remembered now. He was in the hospital ward. He had agreed to get detoxed and treated.

How many days had it been already? The fact that he was still somewhat conscious indicated that it couldn't be more than three; the fact that his body felt like it had been run over by a truck wasn't indicative of anything, but it sure was a pain in the ass. This was going to be a  **harsh** withdrawal, he just  _ knew _ it. He tried to take a deep breath, the searing pain behind his eye sockets making his every attempt at getting comfortable one  _ very _ frustrating task. 

The vacant eyes of the elemental staring at his general direction from the chair beside his bed weren't making him feel any less uncomfortable either. 

-... G-get that stupid look off your f-face, I m-may look like shit but I'm not d- _ dying... _

Grillby lifted his head, startled out of his thoughts by the twitchy hands that appeared in front of him, and sparked a small laugh. It didn't feel very genuine, though. 

Gaster didn't have to look down to know his limbs were shaking quite badly under the covers. He felt the slight  _ thuds _ on the mattress as his arms hit it repeatedly, he felt Grillby's hands put the blankets back in place every once in a while. Judging by the look on his flames, the skeleton imagined that he surely looked pretty terrible, if the quiet concern burning on his copilot's face told him anything.

A low whimper escaped his mouth against his will. He arched his back and gritted his teeth, a pang of cold and stinging pain washing over him as it ran down his spine. It felt like thousands of tiny needles prickling sharply into his bones, not enough to make him scream but  _ just _ enough to make it  **torturous.**

The elemental merely grabbed his hand, gently unclenching it from the mattress and holding it in his own instead. Though basically useless, it was small gestures like that which gave Gaster some well needed comfort in his few confusing hours of mental clarity.

-How are you holding up?

The skeleton made a face.

-D-do I really h-have to answer? 

Grillby smiled tiredly, squeezing his hand. The air around them got a little warmer.

-Try to get some more sleep, it's still nighttime. 

He didn't  _ care _ what time it was; time was very inconsistent in his warped state of mind, especially during some of the worst nightmares. He felt a sense of dread quickly building up in his chest as an unpleasant drowsiness already started to take over, darkening his vision and drowning out his thoughts. A heavy, mindless stupor settled steadily like lead over his cold bones, his panicked breathing getting quicker as he fought to stay awake...

A strong squeeze on his fingers briefly brought his mind out of its empty, scary numbness. A warm hand over his chest eased some of the stiff tightness around his soul, its thumb gently drawing lazy figures on his sternum. It gave him something else to focus on, a pleasant sensation he desperately latched onto as the darkness engulfed him once more. His feverish consciousness dwindled away with thoughts of wild bonfires and vibrant streaks of flame that made the shadows in his head feel less menacing.

...

Grillby sighed, exhausted. He hadn't slept in well over 20 hours, and it was starting to show. And yet, he still couldn't find it in him to leave the skeleton's side. 

Four days had gone by already. Four entire days during which Gaster hadn't touched a single drop of alcohol. He had at first thought they would've been celebrating by then; he had clearly not taken the withdrawal as seriously as he should have. He could have gotten at least a  _ little _ bit better mentally prepared otherwise, but it was his own fault, really. He should have known better; Gaster had been very clear about how it worked. It had just seemed so awful, so hard to believe at the time. But now, as he saw the skeleton unconscious and rattling in a pain-induced delirious trance, Gaster's every word replayed in his head over and over. 

It all made him wonder with a heavy soul just how many times he had gone through this same thing all on his own. No wonder he was so scared of it.

He yawned deeply as he turned to look at the bed. Gaster was stirring, and the last two times he'd been awake hadn't gone well. He braced himself. 

...

The periods of time Gaster was awake could last a couple of minutes or a few hours at a time, and his level of consciousness varied widely. He would wake up screaming sometimes, eyes unfocused and signing desperately that there were bugs in the bed, ants crawling up his spine and stinging his every bone. Loud noises that weren't there would give him strong migraines, making him cry out that they wouldn't let him sleep. He would wail and scream in terror, saying that the shadows of the room were getting darker, that they were staring at him and moving closer to get him. He would curl up sobbing, begging to make the pain stop, to make the darkness go away. 

Grillby tried to calm him down as best as he could the times that the skeleton could be somewhat reasoned with; the times that Gaster didn't recognize him or even  _ see _ him at all, he would only grow more agitated and distraught, to the point where the elemental had to hold him down and call a nurse to sedate him.

The doctors at the ward had inserted a large needle in his spine to keep him hydrated, pumping all kinds of things into him just to try to keep him stable. The way his bones popped and snapped in and out of place with his violent shudders was enough to make Grillby nauseous, especially when the vial needle scratched his vertebrae with sounds that made his metaphorical skin crawl. They said the worst of it would be over by the end of the first week. He honestly wished he could make time go faster; it hadn't even been five full days at the ward and he already found it unbearable to witness. 

He shook the thought out of his head as well as he could; this wasn't about him. The poor skeleton was having an infinitely worse time, and this wouldn't be over for him after that one week.


	22. Drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark, darker...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the one where the 'body horror' tag applies. Heavily. Dissociation, altered perception of reality, very graphic and disturbing imagery, you probably know the drill already from other fics. 
> 
> Stay safe guys <3

* * *

_Falling_

_Darkness  
_

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**_F A L L I_ **

**_N_**

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**_._ **

**_._**

**_._ **

_Darkness, darkness all_

_around him_

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D a r k.

**_D A R K E R ._** _  
_

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**D A _R_ K _E_ R ****_e ve n_**

**_D A_ R k _e R_ D _A R_ **

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_**

**.**

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_**.** _   
  


  
  


**_._ **

  
  
  


He cried out, but there was no sound. He screamed, wailed, begged, but all noise was sucked right out of his mouth and into the void.

He looked up, or down, and his body was melting. Time and directions had no meaning in the dark, his body was the only thing on sight as his bones dripped away and slowly became one with the vast emptiness, disappearing into nothing. Everywhere was aching and numb, feeling everything and nothing and everything was agonizing **P AI N . . .**

He screamed, and there _was_ sound this time. Some feeling returned to him, passing senses of touch and light and just _cold._ The very **core** of him felt tight, freezing, burning **_cold_ ** and he was just in _so much_ **_pain..._ **

A faint voice reached out to him from the edge of his consciousness, like white noise that fizzled out and dissipated just before he could fully understand what it said. A set of flashing lights appeared in the dark, and kept shining and getting bolder by the minute; they fought to stand out from the shadows, hurting in ways he couldn't tell apart from the rest of the mess that he was feeling. The voice got steadily clearer, and he still couldn't make out what it said, but it sounded vaguely familiar in an odd way.

A nasty feeling spread through him, of something cold and viscous and oozing, dripping all over him and paralyzing his body. An icy weight on his chest kept him pinned down, relentlessly crushing his ribs and making him wail in pain. Shadows shifted; distorted faces circled him slowly and laughed as they clawed at his limbs and pulled in every direction trying to rip him apart. Hundreds of spiders, or hands, kept crawling up his body, walking on his face, going into his eyes, his nose, into his mouth and down his throat. Shapes kept appearing in the dark around him, lurking, trying to drown out that light that kept shining stubbornly right in his eyes.

- _... ast... ter you'r... on't worr... not leav... alm do_ wn Gaster you're okay, it's okay...

The flickering light became clear enough for him to make out a face, blurry and distant as it smiled with kindness in its eyes. His body was frozen, unmoving, and he tried to tell the light that he was cold, that he was hurting, that he wanted help.

A small whimper and a stream of sobs was what came out instead, but that was apparently enough. Feeling returned to him in small waves, and very slowly, the pain in his chest started to ebb with the sensation of touch and warmth. He felt himself shudder at the sudden heat, clashing with the cold in his bones, but that a _lso went slowly aw a y . . ._

The shadows came back and intensified, darkening the edges of his vision once more. The warm light got further away, glowing weakly at the end of a black tunnel that pulled him deeper and deeper in. His panic spiked, violent tremors going through him. Numbness was overtaking him again, the heat in his body was already fading _nono no no stop_ ** _stop_** _p-_ ** _please_** _stopst op stop_ ** _please_** _sto p_ _ple aseplea sest op_ ** _st op_** _j u st_ ** _S T O P-_**

A sudden force held his shoulder down in a tight grip, snapping him back into focus; he freaked out, until he realized that he was starting to warm up again. He felt a faint pressure on him, holding his chest down, but just like the one on his shoulder, it wasn't painful. The touch was gentle, encompassing his soul with a pleasant, tingling warmth. 

-... That's it, breathe, Gaster, that's great. You're doing great, it's okay now...

He choked on a weak sob, unable to talk. Vaguely aware of his movements, he raised his hands with great effort, shaking badly and trying to get them closer to his face to sign.

-... d-dark, d-d-dark c-can't... s-s-see...

Soft caresses on his chest and forehead eased his anxiety a bit. 

-Yes you can, the room isn't dark. Don't worry, you just have to relax first. Focus on your chest, and try to take a deep breath.

The voice was so soft, so calm...

It took several attempts, but after he managed it the first time, the next breaths came more easily, expanding his tense ribcage. The light became faded and hazy, and it no longer felt overwhelming to his senses; it remained close but not blinding. The heat never stopped spreading over him, seeping into every bone and bit of magic that made up his body . . .

.

.

.

When he opened his eyes again, his sight was a lot clearer. Grillby was looking at him with a soothing smile, holding his hand in his own and rubbing it gently with his thumb.

-Better?

Gaster kept trying to breathe, and started to register different things that he couldn't before. His whole body was shuddering violently, almost convulsing, and drops of water rolled down his face into his nose and mouth. He realized he was crying.

He tried to speak up but choked on his words again, coughing weakly. His mind was foggy, sluggish; he could only process some sensations and few other things at a time. Thinking felt like trying to swim in a pool of tar.

Grillby must have noticed his confusion, because he immediately started to comfort him before he had the time to work himself up.

-Don't think too hard, try to keep calm. Everything else will come naturally. Focus on my hand, and the feeling of touch. Stop thinking, relax...

The voice washed over him, getting fainter as it talked. His sockets felt heavy, and the slight pressure and heat on his chest acted as a pleasant reminder to keep breathing, anchoring him to reality. The darkness retreated, cast away by the soft light that enveloped him. His breaths became quieter, and even if he was hurting and his shaking was uncomfortable and he was still crying, everything got slowly fainter. His soul felt lighter, beating a bit easier... 

A small, hesitant sense of comfort spread throughout his body, and for a few moments as he fell asleep, everything felt slightly more bearable.


	23. Resurface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly reaching up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What, you thought I was over with this? Oh no this ain't over yet, the skelebean still has a lot of stuff to go through before it is.
> 
> Short-ish chapter, I originally wanted to add some other small snippet to make it longer but then thought 'what the hell nah man it’s gonna feel forced'. Next chapter may take a while, bc I want to explore more of Grillby’s perspective through all this and how it ties in with his own healing process. I can easily come up with lots of stuff to write about Gaster and his POV, but for some reason I always struggle with Grillby, so it takes an extra effort to make sure I don’t unconsciously fall back to generic tropes or character traits. So yeah. Unexpected blank spot in the story that I have to fill in order to add everything I want and keep a good pace.
> 
> Completely unrelated but OH MY GOD 400+ hits?! Holy shit guys thank you so much! I still can’t believe it?? Like??? Oh god.

Gaster woke up with a start, shivering and holding in a scream that got stuck in his throat.

His mouth felt like sandpaper; he didn't think he could have made a sound even if he wanted to. He coughed, trying to steady his breaths and to focus on the present.

A warm light appeared within his visual field, followed by the soft, ethereal touch he had come to associate with Grillby's fire. Specifically, the touch of his hand on his ribcage, a simple, soothing gesture that never failed to bring him some comfort. The icy feeling in his chest slowly dissipated, helping him breathe and calming him down from his panicked nightmare. 

When he fully came to, he let out a shaky sigh, dropping his head back to the pillow.

-H-how long h-has it b-b-been already?

His weak magic hands twitched in and out of existence, taking Gaster a huge effort to keep them somewhat consistent. 

Grillby smiled tiredly, his eyes half closed, and tilted his head to rest it on his free hand.

-Six days, turning on seven. You're almost through your first week.

The elemental took a small damp towel (only wet on one side) to wipe the sweat off of his forehead.

-How are you feeling?

- _T_ - _terrible._

He had a small coughing fit as he tried to speak, voice raspy and hoarse. Grillby's dim fire sparked and flickered worriedly through many colors.

-Do you want some water? They said drinking water is important. 

-Y-you c-can't handle the s-stuff...

-Let _me_ deal with that, yeah?

Reluctantly, the skeleton accepted, letting the elemental help him sit up with a frustrated huff. The action proved to be a struggle, since Gaster was still very weak and his bones felt like jelly, not to mention his inconvenient shaking that hadn't eased up in the slightest.

Grillby waited patiently through his slow movements and helped support him all the way, until the skeleton finally managed to prop his back up on the wall and sit on his own. He threw his head back, taking huge gulps of air and trembling even more from the exertion. 

As the elemental carefully poured a glass of water, Gaster opened his eyes to give him an apologetic look, still huffing and panting breathlessly. 

-I f-feel s-so useless... S-sorry I'm s-still s-so dependent...

Grillby scoffed a small, annoyed puff of smoke.

-None of that. You're recovering, and I agreed to help. You keep feeling guilty over stupid shit and I won't have it. Now _shut up_ and drink this.

He brought the glass to Gaster's mouth, and held it steady for him as the skeleton slowly took small sips of water. He successfully worked his way through half of the glass, quenching his thirst a little, until a sharp and sudden stab of pain made his whole body jerk forward. He hit the glass and it fell over, spilling the rest of the water on his lap; Grillby cursed under his breath and pulled his hand away. His focus was quickly back on the skeleton when he started to gag. 

A few more spasms went down Gaster’s back. The elemental's first instinct was to approach him again, but he retreated immediately as the skeleton threw up on himself. 

The only thing in his stomach was the water he'd just drank, which came back out completely clear.

When the dry-heaving stopped, he wiped his mouth sloppily with shaky hands and bent forward to catch his breath. His forehead was firmly pressed onto the mattress, arms crossed over his stomach and holding it in a death grip. 

Pulling the dirty blankets away and then moving to sit on the bed by his side, Grillby leaned on him a little, holding him tentatively in a loose embrace. The skeleton shivered, starting to rattle; he was desperately trying not to cry.

Gaster's conjured hands had faded, whatever little magic had cast them completely depleted and gone along with the contents of his stomach. He raised his shaky right fist, and he started to rub circles on his chest over and over as he whimpered.

-... s-sorry...

Grillby pulled him closer, rubbing his lower back.

-Don't be.

-... s-s-sorry...

The rattles grew louder. He tried to hide his tears behind a pillow he tugged closer, burying his face out of sight. Grillby started humming.

-... s-s-sorry...

-No need to be. I'm here because I want to, and I won't leave. We'll get through this, okay?

Gaster nodded weakly, finally leaning on the elemental and letting himself be held as he wept.


	24. A sailor's song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grillby needs some help too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This. Took. So. LONG. 
> 
> *Mushu gif* I LIVE! We’re BACK, baby! Holy shit we’re over 550 hits and I’m McFreaking™ LOSING IT.
> 
> This was suuuuuuch a longer break than I expected. It’s not that I was in a bad mental place, but I just wasn’t in the RIGHT mental place, y’know what I mean? My brain just wouldn’t do it. Goddamn you brain.
> 
> For real I had such a huge writer’s block with this fic specifically. And godDAMNIT did I have a hard time writing this bad boy. Turns out I needed to take some time away from the story to get a better idea of where I want to take it from here. I’m slowly trying to get back into the swing of things but next updates will most likely still be very irregular. 
> 
> Fun fact: it wasn’t this chapter itself that caused the delay, it was actually planning it out along with the next two or three ones. They’re all part of a pretty long sequence because I hate myself. I’m not even sure I like this chapter but fuck it, if I kept waiting until I felt like working on it I wouldn’t post it ever. 
> 
> I also may or may not have gotten sidetracked with a new fluffy little Gaster fic I started. Oops. I’m finally giving the guy a break from all the awful stuff I put him through in here xD
> 
> Huge disclaimer: I AM NOT A THERAPIST. In this chapter, and the following ones, I tried my best to convey realistically what a therapy process would be like, but I am in no way a professional you should take advice from, only some random person with an internet connection. So please don’t interpret these fictional sessions as a truthful representation of what actual therapy is supposed to be like irl, especially if you’ve never been to therapy before and are considering to try it out. Don’t let fiction, good or bad, discourage you from getting help. It’s easy to get misconceptions about these topics from poorly written media and perpetuated stereotypes, so I believe that it’s always good to be reminded of it every once in a while. 
> 
> If anyone believes that something in this therapy process is not accurate or could be portrayed better please let me know in the comments. It’s very important to me that mental illness is portrayed correctly in fiction, and that the treatments for mental illness are shown in a positive light. I’m only pointing this out now and not earlier in the story because only now are we getting into the actual recovery process. My opinion is that, should a story get into it, recovery shouldn’t be glossed over as it often is. People tend to focus on the illness but not on how to overcome it, and I think it’s something worth exploring in fiction.
> 
> So yeah, Grillby also gets some help at last. Just because his struggles aren’t as visible as Gaster’s doesn’t mean they’re any lesser. And ho boy is there a lot to unpack here.
> 
> With all that huge chunk of text behind us, I give you: DA CHAPTAH. I hope it was worth the wait <3

* * *

-Good evening, mister Grillby. I hope calling you mister is alright?

The elemental coughed into his hand, clearly uncomfortable.

-U-uh, j-just Grillby, if it’s all the same to you.

The petite dragon monster sitting in front of him gave him a gentle smile, and adjusted their glasses.

-Very well, Grillby. I’m very glad that you’re here today.

-Yeah, I… thought it was… about time.

He vaguely wondered if the choice to set him up with another fire monster was deliberate or not. Either way he didn’t really have a say on the matter, so it wasn’t much worth wondering about.

-How are you doing?

Of course. It was only natural they would start with that question. He had been expecting it. And  _ dreading _ it.

Well, it was a very standard one, people asked it all the time in passing. Only he had never been actually expected to elaborate until now.

-Er, f-fine? I  _ guess? _

_ Way to go. _ Because  _ that _ explained a lot.

Their smile remained patient. They were surely used to dealing with awkward situations, which he was grateful for, but at the same time it somehow made him even more anxious.

The dragon gave him a few seconds to elaborate, and when he didn’t they continued the conversation before the silence became uncomfortable.

-So what’s on your mind right now?

They allowed him time to think his answer through, and their expression never turned eager or impatient, so he felt comfortable enough to break eye contact and look down to his lap to consider the question. It made him less nervous than the previous one, but he found that his mind was blank. What  _ was _ on his mind?

-I guess… confusion. About… this.

He gestured around vaguely.

-I mean, I honestly don’t know what to talk about. I know I need this, but I have no idea what to do.

-It’s a common feeling. These first encounters are mostly meant to explore the things we need to work on and then decide how we will go about it, so it’s normal to feel a little lost. We’re only starting to get to know each other, after all.

He laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck and sparking.

-H-heh, yeah, I guess that makes sense.

They adjusted their glasses again over their snout, and leaned a bit forward in a more casual manner.

-Alright then, how about you tell me a little about yourself? When did you arrive here at the base?

-Well, I was officially transferred last year, but I’d been here already a few times before, to see the jaegers first-hand and use the simulators. We were introduced to the other pilots too.

-Hm. And what was that like?

As time went by, Grillby started to feel slightly less tense. The questions were short and simple, and they didn’t get into any complicated topics that day. By the end if the session he was feeling much more at ease already…

-I heard mister Gaster is doing much better these days. How is he?

… Grillby froze. 

The therapist's face became concerned after several seconds went by and the elemental's fire remained still and rigid. His eyes were lost.

-Grillby? Are you alright?

It was almost unnoticeable, but that simple question got him to snap out of… whatever that was. He blinked his sight back into focus, and his flames started to shift very slowly again.

He scoffed a weak, breathless laugh. There wasn’t any malice behind it; he wasn’t even smiling. He kept his gaze glued to his lap, and focused intently on his fidgeting hands.

-No, not really. He definitely wasn’t doing great yesterday.

The dragon gave him a long, uncertain look. 

-And how is he today?

Silence. Quiet crackles. Even breaths.

-He… says he’s fine.

-You don’t sound too convinced.

He didn’t move nor say anything else.

-I think we’re done for today. It was really nice to meet you, Grillby. See you in a couple of days.

…

-You don’t have to stay confined here with me, you know.

-I'll leave whenever the fuck I want to. 

Gaster gave him a weak smile. Everything about him was weak.

-You should.

-Don’t test me.

The skeleton laughed, coughing.

He was still bedridden, because the lingering pain in his joints still wouldn’t allow him to move on his own. Drinking so heavily for so long meant that the drawbacks were worse than was typical. He looked up at Grillby from the pillow with a tired smile.

The color of his face and bones was an unnatural grey, pale and glistening with sweat. The bags under his eyes were a deep red; whenever he tried to smile, his sockets would crinkle a little, accentuating the color and the puffiness of his eyes.

Grillby knew for a fact that he himself looked terrible, but he didn’t care much with how bad the skeleton was doing. 

A full week had come and gone. And he was still as sick as day one.

-How are you doing?

Gaster laughed weakly.

-Still pretty wrecked. With one hell of a headache. Same as usual, really.

He sighed with an air of resignation. It was almost imperceptible, lost in the tiredness of his features. His smile wavered.

-The doctors changed whatever they were giving me before to some other thing I also don’t know what’s for. I think it’s supposed to help with the last of the withdrawal.

He winced, holding his skull.

-Sure could use something for the headache though.

-Still having migraines?

-Not too often, they’re mostly just regular headaches. But  _ damn _ if they’re not annoying.

No response. Gaster sighed again, finally looking straight into his eyes.

-It’s  _ fine, _ candle. I’m  _ fine. _

His hands shook so much that his signs were barely recognizable.

Grillby stayed for another hour, but none spoke again. He took his book, his crossword puzzles, and left.

…

-Mister Grillby?

He shook his head, blinking rapidly and sparking higher with a start as his flames recovered their normal height and movement.

-Sorry, what?

-Are you quite alright, mister Grillby? You zoned out for a while.

He crackled a small laugh.

-Just Grillby, please.

Then the awkwardness of the situation dawned on him.

-Uh, s-sorry, you were saying?

-I was asking about your day. You seem a bit distracted today.

He sighed in defeat.

-I know. I’m just… it’s just a lot.

-Would you like to tell me about it? What’s on your mind?

He stared at his hands, hesitating.

-I've been reminiscing a bit these past days, I guess.

The therapist encouraged him with a smile. He looked to the side, quite uncomfortable.

-I've been thinking about my siblings lately. Since before the, the…

He gesticulated a bit with his hand as he rambled, as if that could explain what was on his mind without actually having to state it. 

Of course he  _ knew _ what was on his mind; he just didn’t want to  _ say _ it.

-Yeah, before. It’s been on my mind for a while.

The dragon hummed, nodding.

-Tell me a bit about your family. How many siblings do you have?

Grillby lowered his head. His flame wavered, and shrunk.

-I don’t… have siblings. None that are alive.

Silence.

-I’m so sorry for your loss, Grillby.

-Thank you.

Silence.

-How was your family while you grew up? Were you one of the youngest or the oldest children?

-I was the youngest of the bunch. My oldest sister raised us, it was somewhat chaotic.

The dragon smiled softly, looking at him from over their glasses.

-Chaotic, huh? How so?

Grillby crackled a fond laugh under his breath, shaking his head subtly.

-We were _eleven._ **Eleven** fire brats, running around in a wheat field full of woods and vegetation. We were a forest fire waiting to happen.

They laughed along.

-How was your older sister? Why was she the one to raise you all?

-My parents weren’t around. We never really knew why, they just… weren’t there.

Pause.

-How was she as a guardian?

He gave the question some thought.

-Ember was strict, but very understanding. I was kind of troublesome and she would scold me often, but I knew I could always go to her for advice or comfort. She was the only one that could bring me down from a tantrum or a crying fit.

He smiled fondly as he looked at his folded hands.

-Even when I was away, she always knew how to talk me down. I kept all the letters she sent me during the war. They helped me deal with the nightmares and the small mental breakdowns, I would always reread all of them in solitary confin-

He shut up abruptly and froze, almost jolting upright. His eyes widened, and remained glued to the end of the desk.

The therapist tactfully ignored the interruption.

-So she was a nurturing figure to you.

-I… guess.

He hated how long he hesitated his answer.

-You didn’t always get along?

-Well. No.

Pause. 

They wordlessly prompted him to continue when he stopped. He sighed.

-I mean, thinking back it makes sense. She wasn’t even eighteen when mom and dad disappeared, and all of a sudden she had ten kids to take care of, all on her own. Our other oldest siblings had to work full-time jobs to provide for us and they were never home, so most of the household responsibilities fell on her shoulders.

-And how did you feel back then, when you didn’t have this perspective? 

He felt bad for feeling the things he was feeling as he formulated his answer. It took him a while.

-She used to yell a lot when we made her mad. Me in particular, I was very loud. She would storm out of the house and leave us on our own for hours, maybe a whole day if she was mad enough.

-How old were you when your parents disappeared?

-Around two I think.

The pause that followed quickly became very uncomfortable. At least for him. 

He cleared his throat, laughing nervously under his breath.

-It got better with time. By the time I was five she seemed calmer and less stressed, and she started to play with us again. I was confused, but I didn’t care at the time. We never really got to talk about it.

The dragon therapist hummed, fiddling with their glasses.

-Well, our time is up for today, but I would like to continue this conversation. See you in our next session, Grillby.

The elemental went through the motions of saying goodbye and walking out of the room, but his mind had gone quite blank. He was aware that he was moving on autopilot, but could only focus on the dread that was squirming in the pit of his stomach.

…

After therapy, walking down the hallway to his bedroom, Grillby felt like a ghost. A fading candle an insomniac would carry around to wander off at night. He briefly thought of Gaster.

After his therapy sessions, he would leave feeling hollow. He was drained. And he couldn’t go spend time with Gaster, feeling like that. 

The first and only time he did, he quickly realized that his absentmindedness only worried him, and the skeleton didn’t need any more things to worry about. Grillby just wanted to be alone.

He felt guilty, of course. He didn’t think he would ever stop feeling guilty over the time he didn’t spend by the skeleton's side.

Gaster had never had someone by his side when he needed it in the past. Not ever in over twenty years. Grillby kept feeling worse for him the more he realized just how much he struggled during withdrawal alone. His resilience was a trait he admired deeply.

On a subconscious level, in a way he couldn’t quite pinpoint or explain, he thought he understood. The memories that would show up after certain events during their training, the glimpses Grillby got of his estranged relationship with his sons, the seemingly nonsensical way he would act and talk when he was drunk… it all made some weird sort of sense when put together. The signs had all been there, subtle, and as Grillby started to think back, he only kept finding more.

He couldn’t wrap his head around the realization that, after being linked in the drift for so long, he was only then starting to notice. He had always spent too much time drowning in his own problems to notice anything else. 

The elemental felt selfish. Gaster never took issue with him while helping him deal with his problems, but Grillby couldn’t even care to notice the skeleton’s own.

…

Grillby started to wonder why he had developed the small compulsion to lie when people asked him how he was. He wasn’t sure when it started, but it was curious.

He wouldn’t even think before he said he was fine without missing a beat, and didn’t think twice when he replied the follow-up question saying he didn’t need any help. He got angry when people insisted. He would get defensive and nervous and even snap to shut them up, but he would always regret it afterwards. 

_ There’s no point in helping someone who doesn’t want help. _

He wondered about that sometimes.

…

-How are you today, Grillby?

-Fine, I guess.

-And how is Gaster today?

Pause.

-I'm not… I don’t know.

Silence. A long silence.

-Would you like to continue last session's conversation, or would you rather tackle another topic?

-Another topic. Any topic.

…

Gaster’s withdrawal was a full week’s worth of time during which the elemental found himself unable to do absolutely anything other than worry and think. Even if he didn’t technically have to stay in the hospital room 24/7, his own anxiety prevented him from leaving. He was in constant fear of Gaster having a panic attack and not being there when it happened.

The first days before the most intense symptoms started were the easiest for Gaster, but weirdly enough they were the worst for Grillby. He couldn’t sit down for more than fifteen minutes at a time, even less if the skeleton was particularly unwell. His own racing thoughts wouldn’t let him eat, wouldn’t let him sleep, wouldn’t let him  _ breathe. _

It was only when Gaster’s symptoms started to reach their peak that the elemental finally started to get ahold of himself. And think properly. 

He thought of many things while Gaster was asleep and delirious. For the first time in years his head quieted down enough to let him revisit old feelings he had pushed deep, deep down.

He really didn’t want to revisit the past, but during all those dead hours he found himself doing it anyway.

…

Grillby had always been good at compartmentalizing. It was something very familiar to him.

It kept him sane. And it allowed him to process things at his own pace.

He felt he needed that now more than ever.


	25. Staying afloat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At least trying to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to our scheduled skelefamily angst.

* * *

  
  


-I get the feeling that something is bothering you, son. 

The young skeleton crossed his arms in front of his chest with a huff (which sounded a lot like a quiet _NYEH)_ and looked down, frowning. 

-IT'S JUST... I KNOW I COULDN'T COME AS OFTEN AS I WOULD’VE LIKED, AND I FEEL BAD FOR THAT, BUT SANS HASN'T VISITED YOU EVEN _ONCE._ IT'S NOT FAIR, AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'S BEING SO WEIRD ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING. HE _WANTED_ YOU TO DO THIS, BUT NOW THAT YOU ACTUALLY _DO,_ HE DOESN'T EVEN SHOW UP! NOTHING! WOULD IT KILL HIM TO BE AT LEAST A **_LITTLE_ ** BIT MORE SUPPORTIVE?

Gaster sighed, giving him a tired smile.

-Your brother has every right to be mad at me. I _did_ hurt you two a lot with this. I honestly can't blame him.

Papyrus' frown deepened, but he said nothing.

They stayed in companionable silence, making some small talk every once in a while, until they were surprised by the sound of the door opening just the tiniest bit. 

Sans poked his head in very shyly, and entered the room.

His clothes were disheveled, which wasn’t particularly noteworthy, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. That was _very_ noteworthy. And concerning.

-... can... can i talk to you for a sec?

Papyrus gave him a long, nondescript look, before he got up silently and left.

…

Gaster had many regrets. Many were very recent; some as recent as his last few days of rehab. He wasn’t proud as he dwelled on them afterwards, but he was having lots of trouble controlling his temper lately.

  
...

Grillby woke up with a start, almost jumping out of the chair he had fallen asleep on. He rubbed his face, sighed into his hands. And he stayed there.

Gaster was getting increasingly annoyed the longer the elemental was there. He was doing just **fine-**

… or, well. Better anyways. There was no need for Grillby to stay in the room every single waking hour of the _goddamn day._ But the stubborn idiot refused to leave.

-Why are you here?

Grillby jumped again, still not fully awake, and stared at the magic hands in front of him with bleary eyes.

-What do you mean?

Gaster could have groaned. He did, in fact. But at least it wasn’t as loud as he would’ve liked. 

Which wasn’t much better.

-What are you _doing_ here? Don’t you have better things to do?

He was irritated by the confusion on his flames as they burned a pale yellow. _What’s so hard to understand?_

-Not really. I just want to keep you company.

-There's no need.

Grillby smiled tiredly, and it infuriated him. 

_Why can’t he take care of himself? Can’t he see how exhausted and awful and_ **_terrible_ ** _he looks? Why isn’t he in his room sleeping, or reading or doing_ **_something?!_ **

-I know. But I want to.

-Why would you _ever_ want to be stuck in this tiny as fuck hospital room with nothing to do but stare at the ceiling? Are you really that daft?

He realized he was taking out his frustration on Grillby and it wasn’t fair, but he couldn’t help it. The idiot had finally realized he needed to start therapy _(FINALLY)_ and he was visibly upset by whatever he was working on in there. It was weighing down on him, and he had other, much more important concerns to be worrying about anyway, _so why the_ **_hell_ ** _was Grillby wasting his time in that_ **_stupid_ ** _hospital room with him?!_

The elemental didn’t answer. He was clearly trying to be understanding, but he was too tired to even reply, and the look in his eyes told Gaster that he was hurt by the skeleton’s jabs. He was trying his best to be patient with him, and it made Gaster feel guilty. And angry.

He didn’t _deserve_ being treated with patience. He did all of this to himself, he was being an asshole on purpose and people were _still_ worrying over him like he deserved any better. Everyone ended up gloomy and depressed every single time they left the room after a visit, and they were shit at hiding it. Gaster **hated** it.

-And what if **_I_ ** don’t want you here? Hm? Will you still insist on staying in this _stupid_ room just to suffer?

Grillby sighed. He looked tired. 

So, so tired.

-I’m not suffering by staying, you really don’t have to think-

- **Don’t** tell me what to think. I’m not _stupid,_ as you all seem to think judging by the way you treat me like a child.

Grillby sighed again. He somehow looked even more exhausted than he had just one moment ago. 

Gaster turned his head away, scoffing. He couldn’t bear to look at him.

-I don’t think you’re stupid, Gaster.

-Then _you_ are the stupid one. You think I don’t have eyes? I can be on my own for a couple of days without your babysitting.

Grillby was burning very low. He had an incredibly sad expression on his flames, and Gaster **hated it.**

-Get the fuck away. Go to your bed and get some _actual_ sleep since I can’t, and mind your own business for once. I don’t need you here.

He needed to leave. Grillby needed to leave the room so Gaster would not have to look into his sad eyes any longer. 

-Are you alright then?

_What the fuck does it look like?_

-I’m well enough.

He needed to leave, _leave,_ Grillby needed to leave **right now** before Gaster started to cry.

-Just _go,_ there’s no point in being here. It’s _fine._

_I’m not fine. I hate this._

-I’m only two days away from leaving anyway. I don’t need your help anymore. I promise I won’t die the moment you leave the room.

-You’re not fooling anyone, you know.

The skeleton froze.

-But alright. I’ll leave if you want me to.

_I don’t want you to leave…_

**-Finally.**

He heard a low, very long sigh beside him. 

Gaster managed to rip his eyes from the wall to look at him one last time. The elemental's eyes were on the floor, and he was visibly hurt. He looked like a kicked puppy.

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m not fine, please don’t-_

-Bye then. See you tomorrow.

Gaster broke into tears as soon as the door closed behind him.

…

Gaster didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. He was tired of having regrets.

…

They stayed in silence for a while. 

Sans didn’t sit down. He kept fidgeting nervously and shifting his weight from one foot to the other, looking very uncomfortable.

-so, i heard youre being discharged tomorrow?

-Yes.

-right. uh...

He kept stealing furtive glances at Gaster’s hands.

-u-uh, y-your…

Gaster didn’t have to follow his gaze to know what he was pointing at.

-Ah yes, they’re pretty shaky. They will be like this for a while.

He gave his son a slightly wider smile, followed by a quiet laugh.

-Good thing we don’t need to sign, huh?

Sans tried to laugh along, but it fell very short. His forced smile was very strained.

-h-heh, yeah…

Silence. 

-so... youre doing... better.

-I am.

-good, thats... good. 

Silence. 

Sans was incredibly awkward, not knowing what to say or do. He looked around this way and that, anywhere _but_ at Gaster. Anywhere but at Gaster and his hands that shook on his lap, neatly folded and fidgeting almost unnoticeably with the blanket.

-look, i... i dont really know what to say...

The skeleton gave his son a small smile.

-You don't have to. It's okay.

Sans finally looked up at him, and gave him a blank stare.

-you dont even know what im talking about yet. 

-I think I have an idea. 

The small skeleton scoffed, ultimately giving in and snickering under his breath.

-when _dont_ you.

-I'm not upset that you didn't visit, Sans. 

His son stilled. 

When he didn’t reply, Gaster continued.

-I can imagine a few reasons why you wouldn't want to. And really, it’s _fine._ I’m not surprised that you’re mad, not after what I put you and your brother through. 

Sans only stared back.

-... you... you think im mad at you?

Gaster was about to say something else, but paused. His train of thought got lost as he closed his mouth, blinking quickly a few times in confusion. 

-Yes...? Aren't... you?

Sans laughed. It was the same kind of nervous laugh he always had when he wanted to deflect attention from himself and change the subject.

-wow, i... uhm, well not... exactly? this is... kind of... hm.

He hesitated. 

He looked away, very carefully avoiding Gaster’s eyes as he turned his thoughts in his head.

-i... i cant really... _explain_ this, but... but im just **so**... 

He inadvertently started moving his hands, trying to convey what he wanted to say with various gestures. His sockets had gone black; his expression kept turning angrier and more frustrated the more he spoke. It escalated until he was throwing his hands around wildly, magic seeping into the air in his agitation.

-i just... im just so _sick_ of-!

He threw his hands down, and scoffed.

-i **hate** seeing you like this! i-i just...

-Sans, I understand that-

- **NO YOU** **_DONT_ ** **UNDERSTAND!!**

Gaster shut his mouth again. 

Sans immediately looked away from him, rubbing his sockets harshly with the ends of his sleeves.

-its **NOT** \- i _dont_ -

He leaned forward and let out a muffled, almost screamed groan into his hands, and took a few heaving breaths as he held his face.

-i-i cant **bear** to see- not after-

Gaster stayed quiet. He listened closely to his son as be sputtered and stammered, trying to make some sense out of the downpour of emotions that spilled out in his magic that couldn’t be put into words.

-i **HATE** seeing you so- so _HURT!_ i **hated** every single time i had to see you when you showed up shitfaced or-or hungover and just try to brush it off saying you were alright... _like youre doing right now!_ youre clearly not alright, youre not _supposed_ to be alright, youre mid fucking **_rehab_ ** for **fucks sake!!** but you _still_ just-!

His voice grew quiet as he started to slow down. A few sobs got mixed in with his now breathless ramblings.

-... y-you f-fucking… g-got chopped into f-fucking **pieces** just to feed us, and k-kept saying you were _f-fine_...

Gaster stayed quiet all the while.

The small skeleton seemed to shrink. Shoulders hunched, hugging himself, he tried to hide his face as he wiped his tears with his sleeves. His sobs only kept getting louder.

-... i-im sorry, i-im s-sorry i didnt visit, i-i didnt- i c- _couldnt-_

- **Sans.**

The skeleton finally looked up, and froze.

Gaster was crying, clutching the blankets in his lap with his shaking hands. 

-Stop it. You _don’t_ … just don’t.

His head was hung low, and his position was pretty much the same one. The quiet noises of his jittering bones had mixed in with Sans’ own rattling at some point, and the constant trembling of his hands got even worse when he clenched them into tight fists.

-Don't apologize. You were a **child** for God’s sake, never apologize for that. It wasn’t your fault.

Sans choked. 

-b-but you-

-No buts. Come here.

Very slowly, he approached the bed. Gaster opened his arms as wide as he could with a small, teary smile. His voice softened.

-Come here.

Sans sobbed, looking away.

-… y-youre… youre n-not m-mad…?

-I could never be mad at you, Sans. I’m only thinking about just how much I want to hug you right now.

Sans didn’t hesitate to lean into the embrace. He hid his face in the crook of his father’s neck, crying openly as Gaster rubbed his back and rested his teeth on the top of his skull. They stayed like that for a long time, just crying.

Finally Sans pulled away, just enough to wipe his face without breaking the hug.

-s-so… what now?

Gaster sighed. His arms had gone slack, but he kept his son close to his chest, still cradling his head like it was the most precious thing he ever held.

Well, in reality it was. One of the two most precious things he ever held in his life.

-I have no idea. And if you and Papyrus are generous enough to forgive me, I truly don’t care.

He sobbed into Sans' skull, hugging him closer. His rattling got louder as he heaved a choked laugh.

-Wh-what did I do s-so _right_ to deserve you…

…

Everyone had been given a bunch of instructions when he was released from the hospital ward at last. About the lasting effects of withdrawal, what to expect from the next weeks, what signs to look for in case they feared he might be close to a relapse, how to handle a small crisis. All in all, how to become a functional support system for him once he was discharged. 

The last twelve days had been draining, to say the least. And the next few months weren’t shaping up to be too great either. But Gaster was perseverant, treading the line of stubborn sometimes. And he had been given a good reason to persevere this time.

He had four reasons not to give up altogether when he first arrived at the base. Sans, Papyrus, not getting Grillby killed in the jaeger, and himself by proxy he guessed but that one wasn’t a very valid reason. The fifth and most recent reason was unexpected, or at least it was to him. He had been given the chance to have his family back. And for that he _was_ willing to persevere.


	26. Battleship, pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Military, therapy, and many meaningful conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unexpected update! Happy holidays guys, and merry Christmas specifically to those who celebrate it, since it's the 25th today.
> 
> We meet some of the actual Pacific Rim characters. There won’t be many more appearances.

* * *

  
  
  


-There is a topic I would like to discuss today if it’s okay with you, Grillby.

He nodded, but something cold settled on the pit of his stomach. He braced himself.

-Sure, what is it?

-We haven’t talked about your past in the military very much. From the file I was given, it seems that you spent a big part of your life being involved in the military in some way or another. I would like to delve a little more into that, if you don’t mind.

Oh he did mind. He minded a  _ lot _ . Because he knew what kind of questions would come out of that.

-What do you want to know?

His unease must have been evident to some degree, because the therapist smiled empathetically and softened their voice, the way they did when the conversation was starting to steer away from his comfort zone. 

-It says on the file you were recruited at fifteen, correct?

-Yes.

-How did that happen?

Grillby stiffened in his seat.

-The king needed soldiers. Not many qualified.

-At fifteen you shouldn’t have qualified either.

-They weren’t picky.

Silence.

He knew the unspoken question. He knew the therapist well enough by then to recognize the look they were giving him, expectant but patient, not pushy but determined to get an answer either way.

-Each area had to provide a certain number of people. Not many volunteered.  _ Obviously.  _ Elementals are strong, the army had their pick.

-You didn’t want to go then.

The subtle  _ tsk, _ followed by a long silence, was answer enough. They nodded.

-And by the time the war was over you were, how old?

He clenched his teeth.

-Nineteen.

They nodded, mouthing the word as they wrote it down.

-That must have been tough.

-Yeah, no  **shit.**

They looked up from their notes and lifted an eyebrow. 

Grillby was looking straight at the end of the desk, arms crossed and glaring vaguely at an indefinite point in front of him. His back was tense, shoulders squared. Light sarcasm wasn’t new, but cursing was unusual. He knew that. And the therapist took great care to notice that.

The elemental was getting impatient already.

-What does that thing say after that?

-Almost nothing, actually. There’s a big jump in time, almost four years, and then it just starts again with the records of your jaeger training.

-Is that so?

-Yes.

Silence. 

Grillby breathed in deeply through his nose, closing his eyes.

-And you want to know what happened.

-It would be useful, yes.

-You’ve been leading up to it from the beginning of the conversation. If you want to ask me something don’t dance around the subject and just  _ ask the goddamn question. _

They regarded him carefully.

-Direct, precise questions could be faster, but they only yield direct, precise answers. You know the facts already. I don’t want you to recite a summary of what happened. I want you to elaborate. And that’s easier to do with questions that make you think, don’t you agree?

He didn’t reply. 

-Very well then, I will ask directly. What happened during those four years?

-… I was momentarily relieved of my duties.

-That's one way to describe a jail sentence.

He tensed even more. His breath hitched.

-If you knew already why the hell even ask?!

_ Breathe. _

-I don’t  _ care _ about the plain facts, Grillby. We know what happened. What I want to know is what happened to  _ you. _

He burned higher, turning away to look at the wall. He took another deep breath through his nose, closed his eyes, and exhaled very slowly.

_ Air in, air out. _

-I burned someone. They sent me to jail.

-Was it someone close to you?

-It was some  _ stupid _ human that didn’t quite understand who he was fucking with.

-Was it on purpose?

-Yes-  _ no- _ I  **didn’t-**

_ In, out. In… _

His fire was starting to become unstable. He made the conscious effort to bring it down to a manageable degree.

_ Out… _

Thin smoke started to rise from his nostrils.

-He- scared me.

-It was on reflex.

-Yes- I mean-

He raised his head, closing his eyes tighter.

_ … air  _ **_in_ ** _ … _

-I-I  _ wanted _ to hurt him. I didn’t realize who he was.

-Who did you think he was?

-I thought he was going to kill me.

_ … air  _ **_OUT_ ** _ … _

-So you defended yourself.

- _Yes-_ **NO!** _There_ ** _WAS_** _no threat!_

-But you  _ thought _ there was one.

-It doesn’t  **MATTER** what I thought, I  **hurt** someone! I  _ wanted _ to hurt someone!

-You couldn’t control it.

- ** _OF COURSE I COULDN’T CONTROL IT,_** and people got _HURT!!_ **GASTER** GOT-!

He stopped, only then realizing that he was panting heavily for air. At some point he’d become so worked up that his clothes were starting to fume a little bit. 

Then one moment later he realized what exactly it was that he said.

He forced his fire to calm down, taking more, very deep breaths, relaxing his shoulders. He hadn’t even noticed when he had gotten so tense. Or why he was almost out of breath.

His voice remained level once he opened his eyes and spoke again.

-What else do you want to know?

The dragon therapist gave him a long, measuring look.

-I think that’s enough of that for today. Let’s end this session, shall we?

Grillby nodded stiffly. He couldn’t deny how relieved he was for that.

…

He was only half aware of all the ruckus that was happening in the base, given everything that he had going on those last weeks. But he never really found out what all the fuss was about. Not until he accidentally bumped into the source of it one morning.

To be fair, he was rather absentminded and it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t notice someone was on his way, but it wasn’t the human's fault either. Luckily Grillby had a much better grip of his magic than he did when he was nineteen, so nothing happened other than a small, startled flare and a quiet curse. 

He didn’t know exactly what it was, but something about the human gave him the impression that he was confident in how to handle startled dangers. The blond man quickly raised his hands in surrender, taking a step back and smiling amicably.

-Woah sorry, didn’t see you there.

Grillby quickly took notice of the human in front of him, and ran a hand down his face to hide a tired huff.

-I’m so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. Are you alright?

The man looked at him with some amusement.

-Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?

-It’s just- forget about it.

The human hummed in acknowledgement. He smiled a bit wider, and offered his hand.

-Right, sorry, I never introduced myself. Name’s Raleigh. I just got to the base.

Realization hit the elemental as he shook his hand.

-Wait, you’re the new pilot?

Raleigh raised his eyebrows, smirking.

-Well,  _ new _ is not the word I’d use.

Everything fell into place as he quickly pieced together the few things he had heard around. A human pilot, veteran, left the program years ago. Recently brought back due to the program’s crisis.

_ Disaster mission, finished a kaiju off on his own after his copilot was killed, lone survivor, brought his jaeger back to shore all on his own, disappeared and then left for dead… _

-You a pilot too?

A cold chill ran down Grillby’s back.

He quickly snapped back into focus, shaking his head.

-Huh? Oh, yeah, how did you-?

-The jacket.

The elemental looked down at the front of his leather jacket, following his gaze. Raleigh was staring at the embroidered logo with a strange kind of fondness in his eyes.

-‘Blaster Hazard'. A new one, huh?

Suddenly Grillby found himself at a loss for words. An eerie feeling filled him, and he felt very small. He was almost ashamed to be standing in front of a pilot of Raleigh’s caliber.

The human kept looking at him with confused curiosity, almost like he could read his thoughts. Grillby coughed and turned away, nervous.

-U-uh, y-yeah, that- I mean, yes.

-Gonna have to meet your copilot sometime. I’ll get going then. Still have to find my room in this damn maze.

He waved vaguely and walked past him, leaving Grillby to his thoughts.

…

-How are you today, Grillby?

-… fine.

-And how is Gaster today?

He stayed silent. 

-I- fine, I guess.

-He didn’t say?

-He… doesn’t really say much of anything these days.

The therapist nodded and changed the subject.

…

She was standing alone on one side of the long platform when Grillby first saw her during one of his aimless strolls through the building. She was clutching a clipboard close to her chest, looking up.

-Hello. I didn’t think there would be anyon-

-Hello sergeant Grillby.

He stopped walking, sparking a bit in confusion.

-Uh, yeah, hello. I hope I’m not bothering-

-I only came here to relax, you are not bothering me. Thanks for asking.

She kept her gaze fixed up and away, not paying much attention to his presence. His flames swirled and swayed as he tried to find a conversation topic.

-I don’t think we’ve ever met, how did you know I-?

-I was the one to review your files when you first came here, sergeant, I’ve always known who you are. But yes, we never met before. My name is Mako Mori.

She turned around to face him briefly and made a small reverence, which he returned, before she turned her back to him once again.

Grillby was pretty disconcerted.

-Right. So, you work in the program, or-?

-Do not feel pressured to make small talk, sergeant, I also came here to find silence. 

He finally took the hint and stopped talking.

The elemental leaned over the rails of the platform, wanting to see what Mako was gazing so intensely at. It was a breathtaking sight, once he took it all in.

Every jaeger of the base was standing tall and proud, all lined up in their dock stations against the wall and ready to be deployed if needed. 

There were much fewer than before, during the Jaeger Program's golden days, and fewer even than there were in the days that Grillby was just a rookie starting his training. They all looked worn and jagged; they were the last relics of a past when people still held their hopes up high, still believed that the kaijus would soon learn their lesson and stop coming. That they had beaten the enemy already, and victory was only a matter of time. These days, the few remaining jaegers were all that was left standing between the kaijus and complete chaos, and the morale was low.

Grillby turned his eyes down to look at Mako, and let out a quiet, thoughtful hum. She noticed, giving him a brief, curious sideways glance.

-Is something on your mind, sergeant?

-I thought you didn’t want to make small talk.

She didn’t respond right away. Her eyes were still fixed on the jaeger right in front of her, almost unable to look away. 

Her presence was quiet, but incredibly solemn. And intense. As if something raw radiated out of her, like heat waves. Grillby knew very few people like that, and he knew to respect them.

-I don’t. I was just wondering.

They both kept staring up in silence for a while, deep in thought.

-That jaeger is imposing.

For the first time, he thought he could see a small smile on Mako's face, almost shy.

-I directed the restoration project myself. She is very beautiful.

Grillby smiled along, nodding in agreement.

-She is.

After another short, companionable beat of silence, she readjusted her hold on the clipboard, and sighed. The soft aura seemed to change, in a barely perceptible way. He thought he could detect a small sense of longing in her expression.

-My dream is to pilot this jaeger, while I still have a chance.

-A chance?

-There are no other available jaegers in need of a pilot. She was the last restoration project in this base, and there have not been funds to build new jaegers for a long time now. This is my only chance.

-I hear the trials will start soon.

She nodded sharply, whispering a quiet  _ hai. _

-I am confident I have what it takes.

Grillby laughed under his breath, and that caught her attention. Her black and blue hair spun abruptly as she fixed a knifelike glare on him, not fully sure whether to be offended or not. He quickly explained himself.

-You reminded me of myself, at my trial. I was very self-assured during the spar. But I could never quite convince myself that I was good enough, not even after I was chosen. I still have no idea why he chose me.

Mako’s look was no longer a glare, but its intensity didn’t change. It only took a different meaning. What that meaning was, Grillby didn’t know. 

She turned around and nodded sharply again.

- _ Hai. _

-Is that why you want to join the program? Piloting the jaeger you restored?

She seemed startled by the question. Her posture stiffened, and her hold on the clipboard tightened.

The elemental smiled apologetically.

-You don’t have to answer.

She took a deep breath through her nose.

-It is alright.

Her expression steeled, and she stared at the jaeger in front of her as if her life depended on it.

-My family was killed in a kaiju attack. And I will avenge them.

Grillby froze. 

The answer was short, clipped. He was completely taken aback by the absolute certainty in her voice. 

-I’m sorry.

-For what?

-Your loss.

Her expression didn’t change.

-It was a long time ago.

-It never goes away.

She slowly turned her intense eyes towards him, and he couldn’t deny he felt intimidated by them. He hoped to never be in a position where those determined eyes were fixed on him with a truly angry intent behind them.

-True. I forget that not everyone cannot understand.

Grillby tilted his head. He knew what she meant, but he found the choice of words interesting.

-Was that also what made you want to join the program then, sergeant Grillby?

He was tempted to tell her that she didn’t have to refer to him by his rank, but something told him that her formal nature wouldn’t be able to do it anyway.

-Most likely. I don’t really know.

She nodded.

-It is a noble purpose. I believe there is great honor in it. Despite what others think.

He hummed, nodding along.

-Sergeant, may I…

He turned to her again. She wasn’t facing him, staring at the floor, and there was something strange about her. Almost… vulnerable. He felt that not many people got to see her vulnerable, to any degree.

-I also needed help, after I lost my family. I never wanted to accept that I did. It made me feel weak, distracted from my goal. But in the end I felt really grateful after I accepted it.

She finally looked up at him, seizing him. Grillby couldn’t find one single definite emotion in her expression, only vague impressions. Seriousness, and a strong sense of resolve somehow. It was such a mature expression to be in such a young face.

-There is no shame in it. It was hard, what we went through. But it is also our duty to get better. For the people we love.

Grillby sighed quietly, smiling as he leaned a bit more on the rails. He looked up at the jaeger, Raleigh’s jaeger, and huffed a small appreciative laugh.

-I truly wish you the best for your trials, miss Mori. May you also fulfill your goals.

She bowed, and turned around lo leave. 

Grillby stayed there a while longer, thinking of that conversation, and contemplating her words. The jaeger above him was imposing, but as he saw it looming over him it almost felt like it was looking down on him protectively, like it wished him no harm and only wanted to keep him safe.

He turned to look at Gaster’s jaeger next to it. 

**_Our_ ** _ jaeger, it’s also my jaeger too. _

The thought was bizarre. But… comforting, oddly. 

He wondered what Mako's first impression of Raleigh would be. She seemed so structured and calculating, and Raleigh was so loose and unpredictable…

He started laughing out loud. It almost felt like it was meant to be.

...

Gaster was leaning casually on the railings of the rooftop when he found him. He wasn’t looking at him; it didn’t really look like he had noticed his presence yet.

Grillby’s fire shuddered, but just as it did he calmed it back down. He couldn’t get rid of the dread in the pit of his stomach though.

Gaster leaned in a little further, then rocked back. The motions made Grillby sick.

The skeleton spun around suddenly when he noticed him, surprised, and his face brightened up.

-Hi Grillby! I’m glad you saw my message. How are you?

-Hey, how’s it… going…?

Gaster leaned back on the rails, a little further this time. Grillby was starting to get a little nauseous.

The skeleton noticed that something was off, and gave him a confused look. The elemental ran a hand down his face.

-Yeah sorry I trailed off, I just- could you  _ please _ just get a  _ little _ away from there?

Gaster blinked, quickly catching on. He took a few steps towards him, still smiling, but didn’t acknowledge it other than that.

Grillby sighed in relief.

-You said you wanted some company? How are you doing?

Gaster hummed, looking around. He didn’t seem fond of the change of topic.

-Fine, mostly? I… _guess?_ **Hey** not fair, I asked you first.

Grillby laughed, letting himself smile a bit wider.

-You did. I’m… I don’t actually know to be honest.

-Yeah, I get that.

Grillby leaned on a wall closeby.

-How's rehab been, outside of the hospital?

Gaster hummed again, thoughtful.

-Well, it’s not like… It’s-

He huffed through his nose. He crossed his arms casually and leaned on the wall next to him, and started snickering.

-Yeah what the hell, it’s shit. I’ve been like shit.

-You started therapy too, right?

-Yesterday, yes.

-And how’s that going?

-Just had the one session.

Grillby turned his head to better look at something that briefly caught his eye, and he felt his stomach clench. He didn’t comment on it.

Gaster just laughed, following his gaze.

-Water, candle, it’s just water. Go take a look.

The elemental sparked, nervous.

-N-no, I don’t-

-Go. I want you to see for yourself.

Grillby felt very guilty as he turned away from him and headed to the wall where he had seen the small plastic bottle. He carefully hid from the skeleton's stare as he opened it and poured a few drops on his finger.

It was water.

-Well?

-It’s water.

-Yup.

Grillby felt really uncomfortable during the short silence that followed.

-Hey, don’t- it’s not that I don’t believe you. I wasn’t judging you, you don’t have to prove that-

-I actually do. You shouldn’t trust me, you know. I’ve done nothing to earn that trust yet.

He smiled tiredly.

-I told my sons to go through my stuff whenever they want to. No idea if they’ve done it yet or not, I just told them I don’t mind. Not that it matters much. They should do it anyway. You probably should, too.

The elemental didn’t know how to respond to that. Gaster, as always, seemed to see right through him.

-I mean I clearly don’t do good with the whole ‘taking care of myself' thing. This all started because of bad choices and impulse control on my part, so someone else has to check in every so often, right? To keep me in check.

Grillby still felt horrible, but his therapist said that it wasn’t a bad thing to need reassurance, that he deserved to ask for explanations. That being concerned throughout the whole process was ultimately inevitable. He felt he shouldn’t press him, shouldn’t ask too many questions, but he couldn’t deny that the thought of Gaster lying to him crossed his mind many times.

-So no more hidden bottles up here then.

-No more bottles. I asked Sans and Papyrus to get rid of all my stashes so I could keep coming here comfortably. 

He let out a small laugh.

-Hey it’s not like I came to the rooftop  _ just _ to drink, you know?

Grillby smiled despite himself. 

He was about to say something else when Gaster covered his mouth and retched; the elemental froze. 

Gaster turned away from him and took a few rushed steps to lean over the railing again. Something cold stirred in Grillby's stomach that dropped like lead. 

The skeleton retched weakly again, and then threw up. It wasn’t strong or violent, and it was over quickly.

The elemental pushed past the nauseating feeling and hurried to his side, wanting to help. Gaster just waved him off, coughing.

-Sorry, I just…

He dry heaved again a couple more times and wiped his mouth on his sleeve, stepping back. 

The skeleton fell heavily on the floor nearby and sighed, holding his head between his knees.

-I’ve been trying to get on a normal eating schedule, and it’s… yeah it’s not great.

_ Trying to get on a normal eating schedule. _ Not trying to get  _ back _ on a normal schedule, just trying to get  _ on _ one. It wasn’t a very encouraging statement. 

Grillby sat down by his side, paying close attention to him.

-I’m still trying to get used to it, but most of the time it just makes me sick. And I’m not really sleeping much either, I’m just-

He sighed again, rubbing his face.

-I’m just tired.

He looked up at the elemental with a weak smile.

-Heh, but who wants to hear about that. How have  _ you _ been? For real.

Gaster was clearly uncomfortable talking about himself, but he looked even more nervous at the change of topic. 

It was the first time they had a chance to talk in private after the hospital stay, and their only other interactions had avoided the main topic they needed to discuss very much on purpose. The elemental had wanted the last days of Gaster’s hospitalization to go smoothly and not be stressful, so he had tactfully averted the conversation. But they couldn’t keep putting it off much longer.

Grillby didn’t reply right away; he’d been asked that question so many times recently that he didn’t even care to come up with a passable answer. 

The skeleton seemed to take his silence as a sign of offense. He gulped, anxious.

-L-look, I-

He opened and closed his mouth several times, but no words came out. He was skittish, fidgety, and looked overall miserable. 

Before he could sign anything that was actually coherent Grillby just raised one finger. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to collect his thoughts. He then turned to face him properly and gave him a deadpan look.

-You’re adapting, mood swings are a thing. Don’t worry about it.

He was still a bit hurt and mostly annoyed after Gaster’s outbursts, but he would never admit it. He wasn’t about to let everything good the skeleton had achieved be undone just because he was annoyed. 

But Gaster looked so grateful and relieved, with his wide smile and almost teary eye sockets, that it made Grillby’s bad mood dissipate immediately. It put a warm feeling in his chest, and a subtle smile on his flames. 

-You don’t have to prove anything to me you know.

Gaster tilted his head, confused at the sudden change of topic.

-If you start drinking again I will be the first to know. The drift is useful like that.

The skeleton snickered.

-I guess it is.

-I won’t keep quiet. Your sons will be the first ones I will tell if you relapse. So I  _ will _ keep you accountable.

Gaster started to chuckle quietly, with a growing, thankful smile on his face.

-Thank you, candle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit I didn’t realize how much Grillby’s therapy sessions would change the pacing of the fic. In such a wonderful way, because I love it. But man. I’m procrastinating so much on this story. I really hope this whole thing will be worth the months of wait in between chapters :'D


End file.
